All I Want
by delena1997
Summary: "And if you loved me, why'd you leave me?" Damon is gone and Elena has long since accepted that he's not coming back. When her reality is flipped and she finds that what she longed for most is suddenly back in her life, Elena's life and her family is shaken to it's core, dealing with the aftermath of their own personal earthquake.
1. Innocence

_**Chapter One**_

"_All I want is nothing more, than to hear you knocking at my door."_

* * *

_**2012**_

_**August 16**__**th**_

Elena woke that morning feeling the same way she did every morning. She felt the dull, crushing sense of emptiness overcome her once again. She tried to lie there in the quiet, keeping her eyes closed for as long as possible. She knew that when she opened her eyes the other side of the bed would be cold and unslept in the way it had been for years now. Still, she let himself lie there for a few moments before the day began and she had to battle through the same way she always did. She just lay there, praying when she opened her eyes he would be there.

But he wasn't and he never would be again. It had taken months for her to accept the fact that he would never return to her and even longer before the thought stopped crippling her with pain. She shifted slightly, feeling the cold metal of the silver dog tag she always wore against her skin. Once again her eyes opened to an empty room and once again it took all her willpower to get up and face the day. She slid out of bed wearily and wandered lazily to the bathroom, splashing water on her face to wake her up before having a shower quickly. She pulled on her clothes and padded through the wooden floored hallways.

She crept into the dark bedroom and peeled back to dark blue and green checked duvet.

"I know you're awake." She told the wriggling mass of blankets.

A childlike giggle erupted from the bed as small hands peeled back the colorful cave surrounding the young child.

"Momma!" the child giggled. "How did you know?"

Elena laughed and grabbed the covers off her son and climbed into his bed with him. "You're always awake, Ben." She kissed her son's head. "Happy birthday, baby."

Ben grinned widely and hugged his mom fiercely. "Since it's my birthday you shouldn't make me go to school." He said, with all his five years worth of logic.

Elena chuckled and lifted Ben out of bed. "But you're all grown up now aren't you? So you go to school and when you get back you get all your presents. Deal?" she asked him, crouching down in front of him. "If you're lucky auntie Care will come round and take you to school."

Ben pouted. "Why can't uncle Ty take me?"

Elena rummaged around in his drawers for some clothes as she spoke. "Uncle Ty comes with auntie Care, silly." She chucked his clothes at him. "Catch!"

Ben laughing in all his childlike innocence didn't help the aching longing she felt when she looked at him. "Can I have ice cream for breakfast?" Ben asked suddenly, in the tone he used when he knew he was getting what he wanted.

Elena laughed and knelt down to pull his t-shirt over his head. "You can have anything _breakfasty_." She told him, tapping him on the head. "Go on, I'll be down in a minute."

Ben scrambled off downstairs and with him, her sense of wholeness disappeared. She wandered involuntarily back into her bedroom and glanced at the picture on the nightstand. She closed her eyes for a moment, reliving the day as if it was yesterday.

She opened her eyes again, snapping back to reality. The doorbell ringing shrilly and Ben's excited squeal had her grinning as she wandered into the hallway where Ben was bouncing up and down excitedly. "Mom! It's auntie Care!"

Elena laughed as she opened the door. Typically, the blonde ignored her completely and scooped her dark haired godson into her arms. "Happy birthday Benny!" she squealed, ruffling his jet-black hair. "What your momma get you, eh?"

Ben scowled as he unwound his small arms from Caroline's neck. "Momma didn't let me open anything yet! And she won't let me stay off school!" he moaned, pouting. "Boo!"

"Boo!" Caroline echoed, setting Ben down at her feet. "Don't worry, I'll talk to her for ya." Caroline winked and stepped over the small boy to embrace her friend who was making Ben's breakfast. "How are you?" she whispered quietly in her friend's ear. "I know it's still hard around his birthday."

Elena shrugged. "You ask me every day and every day I tell you: I'm dealing."

Tyler stomping clumsily through the house cut their conversation short. "Benny!" he yelled, lifting his up and tossing him in the air. "How you doing, kid?"

"Momma won't let me stay off school." Ben pouted.

Tyler shrugged and placed the young boy on his shoulders. "Just pull a sickie."

"Tyler!" Elena yelled half amused half annoyed. "Don't encourage him. He's done it twice already." She grumbled, setting a plate of toast on the kitchen counter.

"You gotta fake it at home too, Ben!" Tyler told him seriously, while Caroline chortled with laughter. He lifted him up and dumped him on a kitchen school. "Eat. I'm taking you to school today."

Ben cheered loudly through a mouthful of toast. "Can we get ice cream?"

"Course we can kiddo. You gotta be fast though." Tyler replied immediately. Much like Caroline, Tyler was quick to give in to his every demand.

Ben demolished his breakfast and charged upstairs to clean his teeth. He was back downstairs, bag ready, in record time.

"You finish your homework, baby?" Elena asked, kneeling down to wipe toothpaste off her son's mouth.

Ben rolled his eyes. "Yep." He hugged his mother's neck fiercely. "Bye momma."

Elena kissed his cheek. "Bye Ben. I better not get another letter home from school this week!" she called as the two boys ran out of the house to Tyler's car.

"Letters from school?" Caroline asked smirking.

Elena sighed. "Couldn't have been more condescending. Apparently our Benny is quite the little ladies man."

"Well he would be." Caroline said laughing. "What's wrong with that?"

"He's five Car'." Elena pointed out reasonably.

"He's just like Damon was." Caroline said softly, staring at the picture of him on his first day of school.

Elena smiled sadly. "You know what he told me yesterday? That he wants to be a soldier when he grows up." Caroline's gaze softened. "And I keep telling myself it's because of all the stories my Dad tells him but…"

"But you know it's not." Caroline finished for her.

"Right before his birthday too. That's when I got the letter. Just before I went into labour."

Caroline wrapped her arms tightly around her best friend. "You'll be okay. It's hard; it'll always be hard. But you're dealing and that's all that matters."

Elena hugged Caroline fiercely. "He keeps asking me questions about who his Daddy is. All his friends go into school on Monday and tell him all about their weekends. They play football, they go to the cinema." Elena blinked away tears that were threatening. "I hate it, Care." She snapped violently, pulling away from the blonde. "I hate that he can't just have a Daddy."

"It's not your fault 'Lena. It's not Ben's fault and it certainly wasn't Damon's." Caroline said soothingly. Every year without fail, on Ben's birthday, was the one-day Elena allowed herself to break down and really miss Damon. After all, that was the day she got the answers she had been begging for for nine months.

* * *

_**2007**_

_**August 16th**_

_Elena stretched and sat up, her heavily pregnant belly straining against her t-shirt._

"_I hate being fat." She grumbled to Caroline, who had loyally spent the majority of the last year in Elena's house._

"_You're pregnant, 'Lena, Go back to sleep." Caroline said sleepily. _

_Elena shook her head although Caroline couldn't see her. "I'm awake now." She told her sleepy friend. "And I've got to check the post." She waddled out of the bedroom and made her way cautiously down the stairs the way she did every morning,_

_Caroline sat up slowly, rubbing her eyes blearily, feeling a jolt of pain for her best friend. Damon had been deployed into the heart of battle only weeks before Elena found out she was pregnant, and with the circumstances of his tour, she had no way of letting him know the news. She rolled out of bed and wandered sleepily into the hallway._

_Elena silently held out a sealed enveloped. Caroline took it, slowly flipping it over to see the sender._

_United States Military._

_Her breath caught in her throat as she handed the envelope back. _

"_Why didn't you open it?" she asked quietly. "It might be his vacation schedule."_

_Elena smiled weakly and she stared at the envelope in her hands. "I'm scared."_

_Caroline sat down in the hallway floor next to Elena in silence. "I can do it if you like."_

_Elena shook her head, turning the envelope over in her hands and running her finger under the seal._

_Time seemed to slow down as Caroline watched, terrified of what that innocent sheet of paper might hold. As Elena unfolded it and her eyes scanned over the first few lines, Caroline thought she might crack and rip the letter from her hands._

_Elena dropped the letter to the floor and stood up shakily, tears trailing silently down her face and she held tightly onto the cold metal tags hung permanently around her neck. Caroline slowly lifted the letter from the floor and didn't need to read more that the first sentence. Tears too leaked down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around her best friend who was growing more and more hysterical as the seconds slid by._

"_Damon." She choked out, sobbing into her best friends arms. "No. No!" she sobbed._

_Caroline rocked the brunette in her arms, muttering soothing words as her tears soaking Elena's hair. "Shh." She soothed. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay." She kept repeating into nothingness._

_But it wasn't okay. It wasn't going to be okay._

_Caroline extracted herself from Elena as she called Tyler, interrupting his work for the first time since they met._

"_Care?" he asked, his voice muffled. "What's wrong?"_

_Caroline took a deep breath and closed her eyes to relay the news. "I need your help," was all she managed to say._

"_Caroline, I can't-"_

"_It's Damon, Ty. Please." She told him. That's all she needed to say. _

_The next few hours flew by. Somewhere between the news they had received in the morning and before the turn of the day, something beautiful and life changing happened._

_During all the sadness and pain that surrounded his family, Ben Lewis Salvatore was born. The letter still lay, untouched on the hall floor._

* * *

_Dear resident,_

_It is with our deepest regrets that we inform you that Captain Damon Salvatore of UNIT 51B8 was declared deceased on the morning of August 9th 2007._

_Sincerely,_

_Lieutenant John H. Miller_

_United States Military _

* * *

_ A/N: I know, I'm awful. Reviews would would be appreciated a lot on this one!_

_Polyvore: itstartedwithaswhiper_


	2. Ghost

_**Chapter Two**_

"_If I could see your face once more, I could die a happy man I'm sure"_

* * *

_**November 29**__**th**_

_**2006**_

* * *

"_Don't go." Elena mumbled into his bare shoulder, a curving silhouette against the moonlit walls. "Please don't go._

_Damon closed his eyes tight and wrapped his arms around her torso. "I have to. You know I have to."_

_Elena nodded, pressed her face into his neck. "When do you come back?"_

"_I don't know." He murmured. "Nothing's set in stone. I could be going back into active duty or I could be sent undercover. I just don't know." He kissed her hair hard and felt a drop of moisture against his skin. "Hey." He said softly, cupping her face with both hands and wiping her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. "Why are you crying?"_

"_Because you're leaving again and I'm scared you won't come back." She whispered into the still night._

"_I _will_ come back." He said fiercely, hugging her close to his chest trying to memorize the feeling of her body against his. "I'll always come back. I promised you."_

"_I know." She told him, arms locked tightly around his neck._

_Soon, the only sounds were the deep, even breaths Damon was taking as he stroked her hair in a slow rhythmic pattern. The hours ticked by, sometimes sleeping and sometimes not, they lay together, entangled in a mess of limbs and sheets and sadness. "I'm so sorry." He whispered to her finally._

"_Don't be sorry, Captain." She replied ruefully. "It's amazing what you do. I've just been used to having you stationed here."_

"_I love you." Damon whispered into her ear. "Don't forget. Never forget that."_

"_I would never." She told him softly, as he moved her hair from her face. "And I love you too."_

_Ever since Damon was eighteen he had been enlisted in the military. With two active tours of duty under his belt and placements ranging from Germany to Texas, at twenty-six, he had never expected to find a girl who was willing to take a real chance on him, much less that he might fall so deeply in love with her. With stolen moments and scattered months over the last six years, their love story was hardly ideal, but it was real, as no matter what happened on the field, it kept him grounded. It kept him sane._

* * *

_**August 15**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

Staring incredulously at the older man in front of him, Damon was at a loss for words.

"So why can't I go back?" Damon asked in disbelief. "My tour is over. I have no outstanding commitments to the military unless I sign on for another tour or you call me back into active duty. I know my terms."

Alaric Saltzman ran his hands across his face. "Orders are orders Salvatore. They came from the General. You can't go back." He told him sternly.

Damon fumed in his seat. "This is such bullshit! I've served nearly half my life in the military! I've been stationed all over the world, fighting in every damn fight you've sent me to!"

"Captain!" Alaric barked roughly. "You've been undercover for the past five years, there is protocol to follow when it comes to being discharged."

"I've been discharged two times before! Every time I could go back home. That's how it works! " He yelled.

"Captain Salvatore, undercover work has different circumstances when being discharged." Alaric explained as calmly as possible. "Returning home is possible but-"

Damon stood up abruptly. "Well if it's _possible_ I'll do it. I've been in active duty since I was eighteen _sir_ and over a decade's worth of tours, years of training and placements on bases thousands of miles away from my home and my family stole the best years of my life."

"Since when do _you_ address me as sir?" Alaric asked incredulously, the formalness disappearing. "Bloody hell, Salvatore, _I'm_ not the one saying you can't leave."

"But I _can_ leave." Damon protested stubbornly. "You said it's possible."

"For you it's not." Alaric said bluntly. "General ordered that you be retired from active duty until the time calls for return and stated that in the event of you returning home the dangers to you and your family would be too high risk."

Damon stared at Alaric. "What do you mean high risk?" he said flatly, his eyes blazing.

"I mean high risk, Salvatore. Undercover work is different from serving in the regular branch. Only you know the ins and outs of what your objective was but I'm guessing it was pretty damn dangerous and now you're suffering for it."

"I'm going back." Damon stated finally. "I'm going back home _sir_."

And he did just that. For the last five years, his letters to her had been unanswered or undelivered and never before had he felt such an aching separation from Elena. His whole being clenched in anticipation of seeing her; the thought of her being there before his eyes was too much, let alone the thought of being able to hold her in his arms. He stepped into the terminal, painfully aware of the stares he was attracting around the terminal. Many nodded respectfully to him as he walked firmly, head held high and khaki duffle bag slung casually over his shoulder. The U.S military uniform was synonymous with 'hero' for many people in New York and other states and nothing made people, whether from America or Antarctica, more overjoyed than the image of a soldier returning home. He looked around, his heart beating erratically in his chest. Standing in the middle of a crowded airport terminal, Damon had never felt more alone. Not only had his letters to Elena been unanswered, but also every one of his friends had been unresponsive. The thought sent a tinge of unease down his spine as he hailed a cab and clambered in, throwing his bag onto the seat beside him.

New York, Damon thought, leaning his head against the seat and closing his eyes, letting the sounds of his city wash over him. How he had missed her with her towering sky rise blocks that shone like the stars that were so rarely visible and her bustling streets alive and crawling with people no matter what time you ventured out. New York; how he had missed her.

Five years had been long enough for Damon to forget the joy he felt when he saw his home. The familiar cream stonework and grey slate steps of the house he and Elena had called home for a too short period of time had not been don't justice by his memory. He breathed in a deep sigh, contentment washing over his features.

What he saw next drew the breath out of him.

Elena – with her dark hair falling in shining waves down her back – stood with Caroline, talking energetically, her bright smile illuminating the room. Tyler and a blonde man stood by the bar in the kitchen, laughing with the girls. Stefan walked in, throwing an arm casually around Elena's shoulders and messing up her hair. His heart began beating faster in his chest, only slowing down as she shoved him away, laughing and fixing her hair. Elena's father, Grayson walked in holding a large present, grinning like an idiot.

But that wasn't what shocked him.

Elena crouched down suddenly, hoisting a small boy into the air, laughing and kissing his hair when he said something, pouting. He had to be four years old at the very least. Even with a different colour hair and eyes, he was the spitting image of Elena. There was no mistaking that the child in her arms was hers. A knife twisted in his gut. Frozen in shock, Damon stared unmoving at Elena moving with ease within her new life. Elena turned slowly, staring out the window and for a second he watched a look of heart breaking sadness overcome her beautiful features. Her gaze flickered towards him and then away again for a split second before it was trained unblinkingly on his still form. Her brown eyes met his blue ones through the glass. Her face drained of all colour as she slowly put the young boy in the blonde boy's arms, all the while, keeping her eyes trained on his own.

He didn't know what do to. He didn't know how to react. Normally, she'd be in his arms by now, laughing and holding him tightly, but instead she was frozen in one position with her pale face and wide eyes as if she'd seen a ghost.

* * *

_I was overwhelmed by the response to the first chapter, I'm sorry this is short._  
_ Feedback would be great!_

_____Polyvore: itstartedwithaswhiper_


	3. Blaze

_**Chapter Three**_

"_When you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside"_

* * *

_**August 16**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

"Momma!" Ben shouted, charging into the kitchen dodging between Grayson's legs. "Momma, Grandpa brought me presents!"

"Nothing less for my favourite grandson." Grayson said, putting the present on the kitchen counter and opening a beer from the fridge.

"I'm your _only_ grandson." Ben said bluntly.

Elena laughed and lifted Ben into her arms. "You're too smart for your own good, mister." She told him, winking.

"That's what my teachers tell me." Ben pouted, giggling innocently when his mother kissed his hair fondly. Everyone laughed loudly at the young boy, almost identical to his father, though only three people in the room had ever had the chance to know the man Ben was so similar to.

Elena looked out of the window smiling. It was just an involuntarily glance, a reaction to flash of light she'd seen as a car drove past and there he was, standing against a lamppost, looking into the kitchen with his blue eyes shining like stars against the night sky.

She almost dropped Ben. All colour drained from her face. Wordlessly, she placed Ben in Matt's arms; all without taking her eyes off of the blue ones that had whispered through her dreams and plagued her nightmares.

""Lena?" Caroline asked quietly, coming to touch her shoulder gently. "Elena." She said more firmly when she got no reply from her friend. Without really meaning to, Caroline followed the line of Elena's sight, dropping her glass when her eyes also locked on the dead man's form. It shattered into a million tiny pieces; along with all sense of reality she had.

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" Tyler asked, taking Ben from Matt as he stared at his mother, looking like he was about to cry and gently soothed him.

Elena didn't speak. She backed away from the window, skirting around the people in her kitchen in her haste to get to the front door. She flung it open and stepped outside, her brain refusing to believe what her eyes were seeing.

Tyler gaped questioningly at Caroline who was still staring, her mouth open at the three men still standing in the kitchen.

Caroline shook her head and ran her shaking hands through her hair. Tyler moved hesitantly closer, wrapped his free arm around her shoulder and stroked her hair softly. "What did she see Care?"

"She saw Damon, Tyler." She whispered into the now silent room.

* * *

Elena threw open the front door as quickly as she could, panicking in case she had lost sight of him amongst the shadows.

But she hadn't.

There he stood, standing awkwardly on the other side of the wrong, hands shoved deep in his pockets. He was fully dressed from head to toe in his military uniform. Raising a shaking hand to her mouth, she let out a choked sob as he moved hesitantly towards her, crossing the road and coming to a halt not five feet in front of her.

He opened his mouth to say something, quickly closing it at the look on her face. Elena looked as if she was ready to crumble; as if there was only one thing holding her together and the very foundation of her life was beginning to shake. Elena sat down heavily on the steps of the porch, burying her head in her hands. Salty drops made tracks against her cheeks as the tears just kept falling.

"Elena." Damon whispered her name hesitantly, crouching slowly in front of her. "I'm sorry I had to go." He reached a hand out to wipe away a teardrop with his thumb.

Her head snapped up, her chocolate eyes molten pits of fury. She ran her hands through her hair; her blazing eyes and tearstained face had him wondering if she'd even changed at all the past five years. She stood up and quickly turned around, running straight into the house and up the stairs, without a second glance at him. Damon stayed where he was for a while: crouching in front of the steps that led to his home. He stood slowly, and made his way cautiously into the house, glancing around. His heart thudded in his chest as he was propelled backwards more than five and a half years. A small noise alerted him to a presence in the doorway. Tyler, his best friend, stood tall in the wooden doorway, his eyes suspiciously red.

"Damon?" he asked cautiously, staring at him in the same intent, dumbstruck way Elena had. It was like they were all scared he was going to disappear.

"Tyler?" he replied, feeling like he was the only one out of the loop.

And that was all it took before Tyler hugged him tightly, embracing him like a brother. "It's really you." He said, his voice cracking ever so slightly.

Damon nodded slowly. Movement caught his attention from behind him, and being in the military, he whirled around, ready for a fight only to be met with the blonde man from earlier, staring at him dubiously.

"Ben's pretty restless. I figured I should head out." The man said explanatorily, staring at Damon warily.

"Yeah. Bye Matt." Tyler said distractedly, waving him away with a casual hand movement.

"Damon?" came the unnaturally subdued voice of Caroline Forbes – or Lockwood? Caroline and Tyler came as a package deal and they had done for years. They had met the same night he and Elena had; only their love story wasn't centred around the few spare months they could grab together every year.

"Hey Care." He said quietly.

Caroline smiled wearily, half running, half walking towards to him to throw her arms around his neck. He hugged her tightly. Caroline Forbes: annoying, neurotic and about as close to a sister he'd ever had.

Caroline stepped back, looking him up and down in shock. "I-" Caroline stopped short shaking her head. She was speechless. Tyler kissed her temple softly, never taking his eyes off Damon. Damon shook his head slightly and moved past his two friends.

He climbed the stairs cautiously, peering around corners and taking in the little details that hadn't changed; the little crack in the corner above the landing, the small stain on the cream skirting board from when Elena had split hot chocolate when he refused to stop tickling her and the scratches on the wooden flooring from when he'd refused the removal men's help with the furniture. He stared at the door that hid their bedroom. He'd passed through that doorframe a million times. Why did this time seem so much harder?

"'Lena." He murmured, not really expecting an answer. He creaked the door open and peered inside. Damon craned his neck further into the room, and his eyes fell onto a sight that completely broke his heart.

Elena was sitting on the end of their bed, with her head in her arms and her arms resting against her knees. He fell to his knees in front of her and without further thought pulled her tightly into his arms.

"Talk to me." He whispered pleadingly in her ear as he wrapped his arms around her shaking form and rocked her slowly back and forth.

Elena shook her head against his shoulder as her arms slid around his neck, holding him tightly. She breathed in the familiar smell of him and felt the familiar stubble on his cheek and the rough material of his uniform. He stroked her hair back from her forehead and wiped the persistent tears away as the continued to fall.

"I promised you, didn't I? I promised you I'd come back." he told her, looking her straight in the eyes.

* * *

_**December 25th**__**  
**_

_**2004**_

_**(Christmas Day)**_

* * *

_Elena stood in horror as the arrival's lounge slowly, emptied, leaving only her and the lone red suitcase circling continuously around the carrousel. It was seven in the morning on Christmas Day and Arrivals was all but deserted. Only the people from the last flight were visible; plodding their way through the airport. She ran her hands through her hair and refused to acknowledge the familiar, aching sensation building up inside her chest. She wrapped her arms around her chest and leant shakily against the cold stone pillar. It took everything within her to keep herself upright. __Eventually, the pilot appeared grinning and laughing with his co-workers. Their smiles stiffened a bit at the sight of her standing there, quite obviously waiting for someone who hadn't been on a plane._

"_You all right, ma'am?" the heavy-set pilot asked kindly. "Don't you worry yourself now, planes are always delayed, especially on Christmas, what with holidays and what not."_

_A sweet faced young girl nodded eagerly. She didn't look old enough to be a flight attendant. "That's right. Where was the plane coming in from?"_

_Elena swallowed roughly past the lump in her throat and forced herself to answer. "Germany."_

"_That's where we've just come from miss!" she told her brightly. "Next plane is only in a couple hours."_

_Elena smiled weakly, nodding and pretending to be thankful to the sweet girl. "Thank you." She choked out, trying her best to seem fine. The girl walked away smiling, with that little bit too much skip in her step._

_The older man looked at her suspiciously. "You sure don't seem fine, ma'am." He pointed out as gently as possible. "How's about heading up to the check-in desk and trying to get some information? Was it a connecting flight? Those next to never run smoothly."_

_Elena nodded, pushing her hair back from her face and taking deep breaths. "Yeah. It was a connecting flight." She confirmed, focusing on the familiar rhythm of the carousel and the red suitcase still circling around it. They began walking out of the arrivals lounge, heading in the general direction of answers._

"_See!" the smiling pilot said. "I'm willing to bet money that it's been delayed! We did have a few empty seats on out flight."_

_She sighed. She couldn't take anymore of the upbeat man. She sat down heavily against a wall in the empty check-in area only to be waved over to a desk by her extremely irritating little helper._

"_Ma'am, where was the flight connecting from?" the pilot asked helpfully. All that the poor guy wanted was to help the distressed woman waiting alone in the airport. She was probably waiting for a boyfriend, he thought curiously. He'd probably missed his plane and hadn't called the girl._

"_Afghanistan." She told him, staring straight at him defiantly. It was as if she was challenging him to continue his completely inappropriately positive attitude._

"_The next one gets in in an hour and a half and there's another one coming in at midday." The check in clerk told her helpfully. "You can wait in arrivals."_

_Elena nodded. "Thank you." She told the clerk and the helpful pilots before trudging wearily back. She tried to ignore the sympathetic looks she could feel on her back; every one, including her, knew that when your soldier didn't return home that he might never return home again._

_She sat herself comfortably against the wall and slowly let her eyes drift shut._

"_Hey." A soft voice roused her from dreamland._

_Her eyes crept open, blinking in the sudden bright light. "Mmm?" she asked, yawning. _

"'_Lay?" Damon asked her worriedly, cupping her face gently. "Hey." he smiled softly at her when she met his eyes blearily. "Merry Christmas." he whispered as he kissed her lips gently._

_Suddenly everything snapped into focus. Elena hurled her arms around his neck and let him hoist her into the air. She kissed him fiercely, silently begging that she'd never have to let him go again. "Damon!" she pulled away suddenly when she got glance of the time. "If you're going to be five hours late back isn't there anything you can do to let me know?" she hissed, her anger dissipating into tears._

"_Shh." He whispered to her, gently kissing her tears away. "I promised you, remember?" Elena blinked, making teardrops quiver on her eyelashes. "__February 18th 2001." He stated clearly. "I promised you I'd come back."_

* * *

_Polyvore: itstartedwithaswhiper_


	4. Forgotten

_**Chapter Four**_

"_I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side"_

* * *

_**October 25**__**th**_

_**2005**_

* * *

_Damon closed his eyes as the plane dropped closer and closer to the ground. His heart was pounding in his chest as the jarring impact of wheels on tarmac shuddered through him. He stood up abruptly the second the flight attendants clears it. Reaching swiftly into the overhead lockers he pulled his khaki duffle bag onto his shoulder and pushed his way through the crowded plane towards the door. People moved out of his way without question, clearing the way for him returning home; silently thanking him for his service._

_He moved restlessly through Arrivals, counting down the seconds in his head until he saw her again. Hastily shoving his passport into the hands of one of the staff, he craned his neck to see if she was standing there. The attendant handed him his passport back, nodding respectfully to him._

_Damon supposed a solider should have more restraint but the second he glimpsed her familiar form he was sprinting, running recklessly towards her, grinning like an idiot. Elena noticed the people staring at her and quickly turned around, a hopeful look on her beautiful face. She dropped her bag to the floor and threw herself into his arms, tears leaking steadily out of her eyes._

"_I missed you." He whispered into her hair, his own tears forming in his eyes. If you took anything about Elena Gilbert, you took the fact that she could make Damon Salvatore run flying across an airport arrivals lounge, dressed in full gear to swing her up into his arms and spin her around like a maniac._

_Elena smiled into his lips when she claimed the lips she'd missed so much as tears spilled down her cheeks. "I missed you too." She said, holding him tight._

"_I'm still sorry I left." Damon told her, stroking her tears away. "I hate leaving you."_

"_I don't mind," She said softly. "Because you always get to come back."_

_Damon wrapped his arms around her, stroking her hair. They just stood there in the middle of the airport, locked in each other's embrace with their bags scattered all around them. "When do you leave again?" she asked in a small voice. "Where's your next placement?" _

_They used to avoid the issue of separation. In the earlier years of their relationship, she hadn't asked and he hadn't told and all it did was make the visit tense and strained. Eventually, all Elena wanted to know was when he would have to leave again. That way they made the best of each day they had._

_He grinned, kissed her lips tenderly before he walked over to his bag. Squatting down, he unzipped a side pocket, pulled a large sheath of paper out of an envelope and handed it to Elena. She looked through it curiously, obviously not focusing on finding anything other than a country. She let out a small gasp and stared up at him with wide eyes._

_He winked at her, taking the paper out of her hands and shoving in back into an envelope._

"_You're really staying?" she whispered, dumbstruck. "You're placement is in Fort Hamilton?"_

_Damon grinned like an idiot and nodded, wrapping an arm around her and placing sweet kisses in her hair. "I'll be in Fort Drum a lot more than Hamilton, and I might have to go out to Saratoga or the Academy in West Point sometimes but yes, my placement is in New York."_

"_So you're really saying?" she repeated. She looked likes she wasn't quite sure how to react._

_Damon cupped her face with both hands and placed a soft kiss on her lips. _

"_I'm really staying." He whispered to her._

* * *

They sat there for a long time. Elena held onto him as if this could be the last time she ever held him, and he held her tightly, rocking her back and forward waiting for the tears to stop falling.

How many times had he held her like this? Rubbing her back softly as she lay in his arms, content to just have him there.

Suddenly, a small child's cry pierced through their embrace and just like that, Elena was upright, wiping away her tears and putting on a brave face. The small boy ran full pelt into his mother's room and without a single glance at the strange man crouching near her, he hurled himself at her.

She crouched down to his level and brushed his jet-black hair out of his bright blue eyes and for a second, Damon froze, a forbidden thought slowly forming in his mind. His mind flashed back to a day many years ago.

* * *

_**October 2**__**nd**_

_**2007**_

* * *

_Sitting on hard packed ground in the communal area of a base in war-ridden territory Damon stared into the distance, watching the sun rise over a new day. It had almost been a year since he had been deployed, and for the first time since he had met Elena nearly seven years ago, he hadn't made it back once since his tour began. _

"_Mail's up!" a rough voice shouted happily, sighting the rugged pile of unopened letters. _

_The group stood wearily and made their way to the large bin where the letters were delivered. Damon was amongst the ones who never received letters; he was amongst the ones who had been forgotten. He sat down against an old crate and began watching the soldiers eagerly search for envelops with their name. It overjoyed him to watch the joy wash over the men's faces and the watery smiles creep onto their lips as they read words from home._

"_Captain Salvatore." A young solider addressed him formally as he held out a letter for him. Damon forced a smile. He still found it difficult when men under his command insisted on addressing him as 'captain' off of the field. First names were too familiar for most, but even just Salvatore would be better; any sense of companionship would be welcome, no matter how scarce._

_He sighed and stuck his finger under the fold off the travel-beaten envelope and yanked it open. He grabbed the single slip of paper addressed with his name in vaguely familiar slanting handwriting. He opened it up, his breath catching in his throat as a picture fell out. He picked it up shakily, staring at the small Polaroid shot in his hand. It was a tiny newborn baby, with a small tuft of black hair sticking up slightly in the shot. The eyes were huge and blue, staring into the camera as the child laughed. His eyes were drawn to the single line of print of the sheet of paper._

'_I don't know if he's yours, but she had a son. –Grayson'_

* * *

"Momma." The young boy sobbed into his mother shoulders. "Momma what's going on?"

Elena closed her eyes, and rocked her son back and forth, ignorant to the knife twisting violently in Damon's gut.

"Shh." Elena murmured, picking the boy up. "You wanna sleep at uncle Jer's tonight?"

"No I don't want to!" the boy shouted desperately, his lip quivering dangerously. "Momma, no! Please. I want to stay here!"

From somewhere deep inside her, Elena pulled a smile. She leant down and whispered into the boy's ear.

"Me and Auntie Care might have a surprise for you." She whispered, kissing his cheek quickly. "So you gotta be a good boy for your uncle, okay Benny?"

Ben looked at her suspiciously, furrowing his eyebrows. "You're lying." He accused.

"I know." She admitted quietly. "Can you be good for me anyway, baby? Can you stay at uncle Jer's tonight? Jenna will be there. You love Jenna."

Ben looked into his mother's eyes, his icy blue ones reflecting back at him. He nodded, hugging Elena's neck tightly. "I love you more."

"I love you too. Go get your things." She set him down on the ground, and tapped his back, signaling for him to leave.

"You're a great mother." Damon told her quietly.

Elena shrugged, taking a deep breath and finally meeting Damon's eyes.

"You have to be when he's had no father." She told him breaking their eye contact as she picked up a coat hanging over a chair and walked out of the room.

* * *

Tyler charged at Ben and whirled him over his head and onto his shoulders. Ben laughed loudly, clawing at Tyler's back until he set him back on the floor.

"Race you?" Ben said suddenly, staring adoringly up at the closest thing to a father he'd ever known.

"Course kid. We both know Care will beat us both though." Tyler said, ruffling his hair.

Ben scowled and raced off towards the car with Tyler hot on his heels. "Bye Momma!" he yelled loudly over his shoulder. Caroline hesitated for a second, torn between helping her friend and beating her favorite godson in a race. The race won out. She darted out of the door, swinging it closed as she went with a final thud leaving a poignant silence behind.

Damon glanced at Elena surreptitiously; she was sitting, head in her hands at the bottom of the stairs. He took his hat off and unbuttoned his army shirt, leaving him only in his staple black t-shirt. He sat down gently behind her with his legs on either side of her and one arm wrapped gently around her waist. He leant his cheek against her temple and pulled off his dog tags from around his neck and held them out for her.

"Brought them back for ya." He said grinning slightly, holding the cold slivers of metal out to him.

_Captain Damon Salvatore_

And she laughed. She really laughed. The noise was so unexpected that it stopped as abruptly as it started. She took the tags and unhooked the silver chain from around her neck. Slowly and meticulously, Elena threaded the two tags onto the chain to join the others. Damon kissed her hair and squeezed his eyes shut as he pulled her close to him with both arms. Elena felt small drops of moisture in her hair.

"What's wrong with us?" He asked sadly.

Elena stood up and walked into the study. A thin layer of dust had settled over everything as she pulled open a drawer and found the envelope she was looking for, buried deep amongst other, less painful announcements. She made her way back to the stairs where Damon still sat, running one hand through his hair. She held it out to him and retreated several steps to sit with her back against the wall. It took several seconds before it clicked that she was sitting in the same spot she had all those years ago.

She watched him scan through the letter, and when his eyes met hers again they were glistening with unshed tears.

He opened his mouth, but no words came out. He stood up shakily and sat down heavily beside her.

He didn't quite know what to say.

What do you say after reading something like that?

* * *

_Polyvore: itstartedwithaswhiper_


	5. Attention

_**Chapter Five**_

"_But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?"_

* * *

_**August 17**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

It was past midnight when the large black car pulled up outside the house. Two silhouetted shapes wearily stepped out and made their way up the paved pathway. Caroline threaded her shaking hands through Tyler's fingers as she slowly opened Elena's door; she was terrified it had all been some terrible, haunting nightmare. They edged into the dark hallway, glancing around hesitantly. The faint light coming from the garage gave away Stefan's presence – he'd been staying in Elena's house the past few days, and with the way Ben completely adored him it didn't look like he'd be leaving any time soon. Caroline frowned ever so slightly. His brother was miraculously raised from the dead and he was locked in his room. They walked into the now deserted kitchen and made their way into the illuminated lounge at the back of the house.

"Hey." Elena said weakly from the far sofa. Dark smudges surrounded her red-rimmed eyes. Damon sat on the other sofa, head in his hands. He looked broken; like a man without a cause.

"Oh 'Lena." Caroline sighed as she wrapped her arms around her friend.

"Is Ben okay?" she asked quietly, leaning her head against Caroline's shoulder. "What did you tell Jeremy?"

"That you had a lot going on right now and that I'd pick Ben up for you tomorrow." She told her. "Don't worry, we stayed 'till he fell asleep. He's a terror when he doesn't want to be somewhere. Can't think who he got _that_ from." She shot a quick look at Damon, who was still holding his head in his hand.

Tyler sank down heavily next to Damon. "Do you have any idea what you've done?" he asked wearily, rubbing his face. "Coming back here, I mean?"

Damon groaned silently. "I didn't know, man. I was undercover. Disappearing was too risky."

"For five years?" Tyler asked flatly, bitter undertones lacing his voice. "You could have put us out our misery _years_ ago."

"He didn't know, Tyler." Elena said quietly. "He didn't know."

Damon locked his gaze onto hers, his chest aching with the pain she must have felt; the heartache cause by his broken promise.

"Do you want me to stay tonight?" Caroline whispered in Elena's ear. "You know I will whenever you need me to."

Elena shook her head. "It's okay."

"You staying with us tonight, Damon?" Tyler asked suddenly. Caroline whacked his chest. "Oh right. Awkward."

Elena couldn't help but smile as Damon shifted his weight from foot to foot and glanced at her awkwardly.

"This is still your house, you idiot." Elena told him grinning.

He stared at her, his frozen eyes shining. "So I'm still an idiot?"

"You're most definitely still an idiot." She snorted.

Tyler shook his head and grabbed Damon, pulling him roughly into a 'guy-hug' while Caroline hugged Elena tightly. "We'll talk." was all she said as Tyler finally released a disheveled Damon and she hugged him fiercely. "And so will we." She glared at Damon as Tyler finally dragged her out of the door.

She leant against the worn wooden doorframe and stared at him. Shadows threw his face into stark bareness, the pale blue eyes bright against his skin.

"When do you leave again?" she asked, her voice clear and strong.

Damon stared at his feet; hating how much pain he had brought her over the last twelve years. He looked up at her face; only her eyes were showing signs of emotion. He crossed the room and took her face between his scarred palms. He leant into his skin, staring into his eyes.

"I don't." he told her, leaning his rough forehead against her smooth one. "I'm done Elena. Really done."

* * *

_**April 27th**_

_**2003**_

* * *

_Damon walked back into his small Brooklyn apartment, setting his bag down onto the worn wooden floor._

"_Elena?" he called through the apartment. "I need to talk to you."_

_She stuck her head out of the kitchen. "Yeah? What's up?"_

_He sighed and took a deep breath, cupping her face in her hands. Elena froze, staring at him with fearful eyes. _

"_You signed on again, didn't you?" she whispered emotionlessly. _

_He nodded guiltily. "I hate the Fort, Elena. If I can make a difference, then I will and I can do so much more out on the field than training in a some building in New York."_

_Elena leant her forehead against his chest. "You've only been back two months. You've toured twice already. I thought you were done."_

"_I know." He murmured into her hair. "But I'm not."_

_Tears leaked from between her eyelids. "How long?" she asked him in a choked whisper._

"_Two years." He said, wrapping his arms around her tightly. "Just two years. Two years and then I'm done."_

_She swallowed roughly, and looked up at him. "Two years." She repeated, kissing his lips softly. "But you won't be done."_

_Damon wiped away her tears and kissed her forehead. "I love you. I really, really do."_

"_I know." She told him leaning her ear against his chest listening to his heartbeat. "When do you leave?" she asked after a while._

"_Ten days." He said quietly, unable to meet her gaze._

_Elena took a deep breath to calm herself and pulled away from him, fixing the familiar strong smile on her face. It came to her so easily after all these years._

"_You know I know that smile isn't real." He told her simply, tilting her chin up gently. She laughed and looked away, a real smile appearing on her face. "But that one is." He said as he kissed her warmly. _

"_Two years." She said finally, wrapping her arms around his neck to hold him close to her. _

"_Then I'll be done."_

"_You know I know that's a lie."_

* * *

"You're really done?" she asked in hushed tones.

He closed his eyes and waiting for a moment. "I'm as done as I can ever be."

She ran her fingers through her hair just as a movement so she wasn't standing staring in shock. Damon brushed her cheek with his thumb, never moving his forehead from hers. She watched his blue eyes flicker to her lips and ever so slowly, begin to close.

Then slowly, hesitantly, he pressed his soft lips to hers. He only meant to feel her lips softly beneath his. He didn't mean to lose control.

She wound her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and locking him there.

He lost his control like an elastic band snapping; it was there one second, only stretching to a certain point then suddenly it was gone, and he was spinning further and further out of control. Damon hoisted her into the air, pushing her firmly against the rough wall, kissing down her neck feverishly. She gasped, winding her long legs around his hips as she pulled his lips back to hers, threading her fingers through his hair.

"Elena." He breathed into her ear. "No. Not right now."

Elena sighed and unwound her legs from his hips and dropped to the ground ungraciously. She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms across her chest.

"Not right now." She repeated blankly, staring at him incredulously. "When? Another five fucking _years_?"

Damon clasped his hands behind his head, growling in frustration. He closed his eyes sighing deeply. He snapped his eyes open and stared her down.

"You have a kid, 'Lena!" he yelled, stalking away from her. "He's what- four? I left nearly _six_ years ago – you do the math." He snapped spitefully.

Elena closed her eyes in an attempt to calm her heart rate. "He turned five today." She whispered, opening his eyes. "For the past five years I've celebrated my son's birthday the day you died to me, Damon. _You_ do the math."

Damon sucked in deep breath, and Elena could practically hear the wheels turning in his head. She shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. She turned silently and was halfway up the carpeted staircase before her resolve snapped. She held out her hand to him, linking her fingers through his the way she had so many times when he reached out to her. She sighed and tugged his unsure form up the stairs.

"I've never seen you look so uncomfortable." She noted as she pulled off her boots and jeans.

Damon glanced at her finally, looking away from the open window that displayed the full moon. "Not to sure what the standard procedure is for this situation." He said wearily, trying to calm his racing heart.

She smiled wanly and reached behind her to pull on a soft cotton t-shirt. She padded across the wooden flooring and sat on top of the covers with her knees tucked under her chin. Damon shifted his weight from one foot to the other, glancing around awkwardly. Elena looked at him oddly.

"I didn't move your clothes." She told him quietly.

He smirked and shook his head disbelievingly as he changed into dark grey sweats. He pulled his t-shirt off and threw it at Elena who caught it grinning.

"Old habits die hard." He shrugged, sitting next to her and resting his head against the headboard.

She pulled on his shirt and breathed in the smell that had been missing from her wardrobe for so long. She slid her bare legs under the covers and rolled over to face him with her eyes drifting shut. He lay down besides her, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

"Did you do the math?" Elena asked sleepily with her eyes shut.

Damon took a deep breath. "Yeah." He managed to force out.

Elena nodded and slowly rested her head on his chest. "Good."

He let his eyes drift shut as his hand automatically it's way to her back and began to trace patters against her spine, moving his scarred fingers over the tattoos he knew lay there. He kept his eyes shut; rewinding time and watching the years fall away.

* * *

_**December 31**__**st**_

_**2000**_

_**(Hogmanay)**_

* * *

"_Him." Caroline said grinning as she nodded blatantly towards the two men sitting at the bar several seats away from them._

_Elena laughed freely and shot Caroline a look. "You've said that every time you've seen someone halfway attractive." She pointed out dismissively as she threw back the shot Caroline had just ordered for her._

_Her blonde friend shrugged and looked pleadingly at her. "He's the one. You just have to be the trusty wingman and keep the other one busy."_

_Elena rolled her eyes and glanced over her shoulder in the direction Caroline was indicating. Her dark calculating eyes appraised the man closest to her; with his dark hair and dark eyes he was anything but Caroline's type, but somehow, Elena knew that she had been talking about him. The dark eyed man looked up, and caught her gaze. He nodded to her, his eyes flickering to the beautiful blonde beside her and Elena tried to stop herself grinning as she saw his eyes widened._

_Watching the man lean into his friend, Elena knew the other man would be over any second to distract her. She ordered another drink. At least the job was easy tonight._

_Damon sighed noisily as he followed Tyler into the bar._

"Come on man, this is stupid." He said wearily as he sat down on a barstool. "I hate Hogmanay."

"_You've barely been back two weeks, Damon. It's New Year." Tyler pointed out, motioning to the bartender to bring them drinks. _

_Damon scowled and quickly threw back his shot. "You just want to get laid." He snapped._

"_Touchy." Tyler teased as he looked around the bar, slowly scanning the crowd for someone who caught his eye. He wasn't particularly fussy, he didn't have a particular hair colour or height preference, but he had a good eye for what he liked, and when she was right, the girl would be loved so deeply and purely, Damon got sick to death of his best friend's love sick expressions. _

_A brunette sitting near the end of the bar on the other hand, had caught Damon's attention immediately. He cocked his head to the side and trailed his eyes shamefully over her figure. The girl was looking in their direction, appraising Tyler with knowing eyes. Damon watched her smile and turn back to her friend with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. He smirked to himself and leant an elbow on the worn wooden bar top._

"_Dude." Tyler said, frantically tapping the bar top to recapture his attention._

_Damon sighed. "You want the blonde at the other end of the bar, right?" he asked, almost hopefully._

_Tyler raised an eyebrow. "You're scary sometimes." He glanced back in the girls' direction and winked at Damon. "You want the brunette don't you, man?"_

_Damon shook his head disbelievingly. "And you don't?"_

_Tyler shrugged. "There's just something about the other one."_

_Damon clapped his friend on the shoulder as he moved past him. "Good luck then man, she seems like a bitch."_

"_Fuck off." Tyler snapped, glowering at him._

_Damon chuckled and sauntered towards the other end of the bar. He leant one arm on the bar top._

"_Wanna know a secret?" he asked cheerfully as he slid into the seat beside the brunette._

_Elena turned as a man sat next to her and had to fight her automatic urge to allow her mouth to drop open. Next to her, offering her secrets was a gorgeous man, captivating blue eyes, dark messy hair and a defined jaw with just a scattering of stubble running across it._

_She leant her head to one side and ran her fingers through her hair. "And what's this secret worth?"_

_The man chuckled, his blue eyes bright and shining. "How about a drink?"_

"_And if it's not worth my time?" she asked coyly. _

_Smirking, the man leaned in and whispered huskily in her ear. "My friend's using me as a distraction." _

_Elena burst out laughing and motioned to the bartender. "Well my friend's using me too." She gestured grandly towards Caroline and the other man. "Looks like you did your job well." She winked and stood slowly, taking her purse form the counter. _

_The man reclined back in his chair, staring at her intently. "Damon Salvatore." He said casually._

"_Elena." She said, sitting back down next to Damon. "So do I get my secret?"_

_Damon sighed slightly as he caught sight of the clock on the wall. Seventeen minutes and this year would be over and he could add it to the list of years he'd survived. "I hate Hogmanay." He said simply, taking a gulp of his drink._

_Elena frowned. "Why? Or is that a secret too?"_

_Damon chuckled. "You're really something, you know."_

_She smiled at him, making his heart pound. She stared expectantly at him, waiting for his answer._

"_I keep celebrating a new year, not knowing if I'm going to live through the next one." He said quietly, downing his drink in several large gulps. Thirteen minutes and he'd begin another year._

_Elena stared at him emotionlessly, her large dark eyes slowly scanning over his face. He could see her eyes searching his face, picking out every scar, flaw and imperfection. She was staring into the face of a man who was old beyond his years. She was staring into the face of a soldier._

"_Damon Salvatore, what is your story?" she asked, cutting through his walls and doubts and fears, straight to the heart of it all; just like that, she was imbedded in his being and just like that; he knew he would fall in love with her._

* * *

"Damon?" Elena asked quietly, her voice muffled against his skin. Damon slowly opened his eyes, feeling dampness on his bare skin, like raindrops hitting paper.

"Yeah?" he asked croakily through a dry throat.

"Why did you leave me?"

"Elena," Damon breathed sadly, cupping her face with both hands and wiping her falling tears away.

"Why weren't you here?" she said shakily, his persistent hands missing a single tear as if ran down her broken face.

"Elena." He whispered, pressing his forehead against hers and keeping her face tight between his palms. "I will _never_ leave you again."

* * *

"_Take my body, take my body"_


	6. Dreamland

_**Chapter Six**_

"_All I want is, and all I need is to find somebody"_

* * *

_**August 17**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

Damon awoke early the next morning as sun filtered through the cracks in the blinds, creating bright, white strips of sunlight across the shaded room. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, rubbing his face wearily with his hands.

When did his life take such a downward spiral?

He sure as hell had no idea when it happened. He felt as though he'd missed six years of his life. Every time he'd served previously, he'd never missed anything too monumental. He'd made the memories that mattered and counted them amongst his most treasured possessions. Now, it was like he'd come back to a life he couldn't quite adapt too. There was still Elena. There was still Caroline and Tyler. Stefan was still around, and there was always Grayson, his favorite father figure. He knew their faces and their names; he knew their patterns and their fears. He knew them.

But he didn't know her son.

Ben was an enigma. A small boy who had thrown off his balance and he'd never even met him. His heart still ached and he felt the dull pain in his stomach the same way he had since Grayson had written him that letter, and now, all he was left with were more questions.

He had his suspicions. How many five-year-old boys were there running around that just happened to be his doubles – in looks and in personality if what Caroline had said was true?

Coming back to civilian life had never been difficult for him. He'd known what he was arriving back to and in a way, it gave him the sense of security and stableness he needed to readjust. He drew in a shaky breath. His whole foundation was gone; he had lost his safe harbor and now he was just waiting for the tide to sweep him away.

Damon stood up, stretching widely to crack his back and padded softly into the hallway, cringing against the cold wood floor and smiling to himself at his familiar reaction. He glanced outside the kitchen window. The sky was still streaked with pink and orange as the sun began it's ascent and as he flicked the switch on the coffee machine, he walked outside onto the front porch to greet the new day.

Standing in the mild morning air in front of a house in New York, Damon suddenly felt lost. He felt lost and empty and alone, but at the same time, he was where he belonged and the sense of fullness effulged him like a welcoming blanket. He sat down heavily on the wooden porch steps. It was a rather peculiar sensation. It was like being surrounded by people and feeling utterly alone.

Somewhere inside, the coffee machine made it's familiar noise, telling him that he could now kick start his day. He heard a car pull up in front of the house the moment the wheels crunched on the gravel driveway. He padded over to the window and looked out, watching Caroline climb out of the car and gently take a young boy in her arms, brushing his hair back from his sleeping.

Damon opened the door for her before she got there, earning a grateful smile.

"Well who knew? Damon Salvatore learned some manners." Caroline told him, winking cheekily at him.

"All part of the act." Damon replied, closing the door behind her. "They'll be gone in a few weeks."

"Good." She replied sarcastically. "Wouldn't want them to stick around or anything."

Damon shrugged absently. He still felt wrong; he still felt out of place. He was transfixed on the young boy in Caroline's arms, who was oblivious to him.

"I meant for him to be awake." Caroline said quietly. "I wanted you to meet him."

"Why?" he asked hoarsely. His hands were shaking by his sides. He couldn't seem able to get his breathing under control.

Caroline looked at him sadly, before she shifted the boy on her hips. "Ben, wake up." She said so him. "Benny!" she said, laughing at the young boy's sleepy expression.

"Auntie Care?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. Caroline kissed his forehead, laughing without really meaning to.

"You awake Ben-ben?" she asked.

"Course I'm awake Auntie Care." Ben said indignantly. "You're talking to me!"

"Just checking, silly." She rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at him. Damon cracked a wide smile, chuckling quietly to himself.

Ben turned around like lightning, his blue eyes fixing on Damon's. Damon sucked in a deep breath as he stared at every detail of the young boy's face. Caroline put him down in a chair and mussed up his jet-black hair.

"Make him breakfast." Caroline ordered sternly, before disappearing upstairs. "Benny, be good."

Damon's mouth hung open as he stared shocked between the perplexed young boy and the now empty staircase.

"Well kid, your Auntie Care is crazy." Damon said finally as he reached over to turn on the cooker and began fishing around the cupboard for ingredients. "Waffles or pancakes?"

Ben stared at Damon with concentration beyond his five years. "You get used to her. Momma says I'm not supposed to talk to strangers."

"I think it's okay when they're standing in your kitchen making you breakfast. Especially when you're crazy auntie tells them to make you breakfast."

"But she's crazy." Ben pointed out. He didn't look convinced. "What's your name?"

"Damon Salvatore." He said, still searching around the cupboards. "How about you?"

"Ben Lewis Salvatore, and I'm five years old." He recited proudly as if from memory, oblivious to the look of certainty that overcame Damon's features. Ben squinted, as though he'd suddenly figured something out.

"You're name is Salvatore too? Like Uncle Stefan?"

"Yeah, it is." He grinned at the young boy. "Now, waffles or pancakes?"

''Pancakes." He said after a moment of deliberation. "Why are you here?" Ben asked curiously.

"I knew your Momma a long time ago." Damon told him evasively, mixing pancake patter and setting it cooking in a frying pan.

"You upset her." Ben mumbled quietly. "What did you do?"

Damon looked at the five-year-old child, wise beyond his years and leant over the counter so he could talk to him. "I had to go somewhere very far away. So far I couldn't visit very often, and she got told some bad news and I guess she just tried not to think about me very often. Me coming to see her was a bit of a shock for her."

"Is she angry at you?" he asked matter-of-factly. "When girls are angry you just have to say sorry and pretend to mean it. That's what Uncle Ty says."

Damon roared with laughter for the first time since he had been on American soil. "Next time your auntie comes down, will you tell her that?"

"I already did. Then she got mad at Uncle Ty and Momma laughed." Ben told him looking confused.

Damon just shook his head at the young boy. "Women are _all_ crazy. You just gotta know if you love them enough to put up with the crazy."

"Do you love my momma, Damon?" He asked innocently. "Are you back to put up with all her craziness?"

Damon smiled slowly, fiddling with Ben's breakfast. "Yeah. I love her a lot. I've put up with her craziness for a long time."

Unnoticed in the shadows of the doorframe, Caroline folded her arms across her chest and smiled widely.

Ben shrugged and pulled his knees into his chest as Damon slid a plate of pancakes in front of him, complete with ice cream and a single flickering candle wobbling precariously in it.

"Hey." He said to capture his attention. "Happy birthday." He said, slightly shyly.

Ben stared at him with a glowing smile. "You're a day late." He said, blowing out the candle with a big puff of air. "But I'll forgive you."

Damon winked. "The best things are worth the wait."

Ben shoved a large forkful of pancake in his mouth and grinned, as he tasted the sweet recipe. "You make the same pancakes as Momma!"

As he started to clean up, Damon looked over his shoulder towards Ben. "Who do you think she got the recipe from?"

"Damon?" Ben asked tentatively, drawing circles on his plate with his fork. Damon looked at Ben, urging him to continue. "Do you know where my Daddy is?" He asked sadly, his voice shaky.

Damon sighed and circled around the counter to crouch in front of Ben. "What did your Momma tell you 'bout your Daddy?"

"That he can't come back and visit, but she said he loves me a lot and that she knows if he could come back for me, he would be here in a second." Ben told him, fidgeting with his fingers. "But if he loved me, why isn't he here?"

A lump formed in Damon's throat. How bizarre it was, to hear such a young boy talk with such insight. Hesitantly, he lifted the boy into his arms and placed him on his hips. "It's not always that simple, bud." Damon told him sadly, walking through to the lounge and relaxing back on the sofa. "I promise, you'll get the answers you want someday."

Damon relaxed back against the sofa cushions with Ben curled up on his chest, slowly drifting off to sleep.

"It'd be cool if you were my Daddy." Ben mumbled barely awake. Damon swallowed roughly with his eyes closed and blindly kissed Ben's messy black hair.

"I know."

* * *

As consciousness first began nudging Elena awake, she rolled over, burying her face in the soft pillows, reliving the memoires of the previous night. She stretched out her hand, shocking herself into awareness as the cool sheets beneath her touch.

Elena woke up slowly, blearily blinking in the sudden bright light, then she sat bolt upright, staring around the empty room. Her breath quickened as she stared around the deserted bedroom. She pulled her knees up to her chest, and wrapped her arms around herself as if she was attempting to hold herself together. She buried her face in her knees and tried to forget everything. She was so disorientated. Telling reality from dreamland was as impossible as telling up from down. She took deep calming breaths and pushed her face back from her face.

A soft knock on the door brought her inner turmoil to a screeching halt.

"'Len?" Care said softly, sticking her head.

"Caroline?" Elena whispered croakily.

"Hey." Caroline said soothing, concern written all over her features. She sat down next to her friend. "What's wrong?"

Elena took deep breaths, opening and closing her mouth several times, unsure of how to start.

"Come on, I left Ben downstairs. Change your shirt."

Caroline let her be. Talking to her when she woke this disorientated never did much good. Over the years Caroline had learned that and slowly come to understand that she couldn't help. With a kiss on the cheek and a stern look, she disappeared out the door, leaving Elena to her perplexed mindset.

Immediately, Elena glanced down at the soft black shirt she was wearing, smelling distinctly of Damon and home. Her heart was still racing and she buried her face in her hands.

Nearly every morning for over a decade she had woken up the same way. Panicked, disorientated, desperately confused as she tried to make heads or tails of her world, always the days when she knew Damon was halfway around the world, fighting beneath a different sky. This one morning it had been intensified. There were no words to describe the panic she felt in those brief seconds when she woke.

She let her hair hang loose and wavy around her shoulders as she hurriedly washed her face and pulled on a pair of shorts. She walked down stairs haltingly and slowly walking forward to stand with Caroline by the doorframe.

"You okay now?" Caroline asked simply. While she didn't understand the feeling of helplessness that overtook Elena, she knew about it and didn't question it. It was just a part of her and it no doubt always would be.

Elena nodded. "Where's Ben?" she replied.

Caroline smiled shyly and nodded in the direction of the living room. Elena glanced back at her friend in anticipation as she crept across the kitchen and looked into the living room, a wide smile unwillingly sliding onto her face at the sight before her.

Damon was lying on the sofa with his eyes closed, talking softly to her son, while Ben was curled up in complete confidence on his chest.

"It'd be cool if you were my daddy." Ben mumbled, half asleep into Damon's chest.

She saw Damon's closed eyes tighten as he pressed a soft kiss to Ben's hair.

"I know." He whispered sincerely to the sleeping boy. Elena padded into the room and sat down beside Damon.

"Hey." He whispered without opening his eyes. He gently unwound an arm from around Ben's body and wrapped it around her shoulder, kissing her temple slowly.

"He likes you." She noted quietly, tucking her feet underneath her.

"I made him food." He replied dryly.

"No, that's not it. I heard what he said." Elena said, stroking her son's hair out of his eyes. "He's never said anything like that to anyone else."

"I guess that's a good thing." He said slowly. He wanted an answer, a definite yes-no, he's your kid or he's not answer – the constant riddles and clues were driving him insane.

"'Lena?" Damon asked, shifting so he was sitting upright and looking her straight in the eyes. She looked at him, her eyes wide and deep and endless, full of the deep-rooted scars he'd left on her. "Is he mine?" he choked out.

Elena closed her eyes, swallowing past the lump in her throat. "His name is Salvatore."

"Elena cut it out." He snapped, his eyes blazing blue ice. "Is he my son?"

"Yes." She breathed shakily as though it was hard for her to say. Her heart pounded violently in her chest as he stared intently at her, his eyes as wide and as deep as the ocean, as endless and unreadable as the crashing waves.

"He's yours."


	7. Safe

_**A/N: Uh oh, smut alert.**_

* * *

_**Chapter Seven**_

"_See, you brought out the best of me"_

* * *

_**August 23**__**rd**_

_**2012**_

* * *

"So you just forgave him?" Bonnie asked skeptically as she put away dishes into a high cupboard above the sink. "After all this time."

"Oh _hush_, Bonbon." Caroline scolded like a little old lady as she wandered neatly into the kitchen, her bubbly voice wiping away any doubt before it could even begin to creep into Elena's mind. "You don't know Damon."

"Gladly." Bonnie muttered, drying a plate with a dishtowel. "He put you through so much 'Lena, and you're just going to forgive him?"

"Come on Bon, you _can't_ be serious." Elena said exasperated. Bonnie was a loyal, loyal friend, and when it came down to it, you wanted Bonnie on your side. "He's sitting right out there with our son asleep on his chest and your asking why I'm forgiving him? What's there to even forgive?"

"How about abandoning his pregnant girlfriend for six years while she thought he was dead?" Bonnie said acidly. "You didn't even tell me he was Damon's. It was little Miss let-me-know-by-text-message over there who told me." Bonnie reproached, her almond eyes narrowed accusingly. "I barely knew you were pregnant."

"Bon, you were in Texas for most of the time they were together, like together as in physically. There was no way you could even begin to understand what he's like." Caroline told her soothingly; gently taking the plate she was drying furiously off of her and placed it in its cupboard. She frowned slightly. "How many times have you even met Damon, including tonight?"

Bonnie scowled, trying not to let a small smile of defeat slip through. "Once."

"Exactly." Elena said triumphantly, kissing her friend's cheek. "His circumstances were always going to be there. I knew that and I accepted that. He didn't know I was pregnant and he couldn't exactly be getting letters from his American girlfriend if he's working undercover. Get real, Bon. I love you, and I know you're just looking out for me, but I'm _better_ now he's back."

"I still don't understand how you are doing this. I assumed this was a small thing. I thought it was only going to last a few months." She admitted quietly. "And now you've been with him for what-?"

"Twelve years." She said quietly, folding dishcloths away.

"You have a five year old son together, 'Lena and he's barely here!" she cried, exasperated. "How are you holding it together?"

"Bonnie!" Caroline hissed vehemently. "I get you're mad you've been out of the loop but what did you expect?" She threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "How could we even _begin_ to explain what it's like?"

"How am I holding it together?" Elena asked incredulously, speaking as though Caroline hadn't tried to reason. "Because he's _here_ Bon! He's alive and he's done with it all. _He's_ how I'm holding it together." She sighed, running her fingers through her hair in agitation as she piled away the last of the dishes and retreated to the lounge, leaving Caroline and Bonnie to argue in hushed whispers, the occasional phrase rising an octave or two – mostly from Caroline.

"Ben-ben, get up. Come on buddy, I need to go see your Momma." Damon was pleading with a stubborn five-year-old, who was currently curled up quite comfortably on Damon's chest dressed in his pajamas.

"Nope." Ben trilled mockingly. "I'm comfortable."

"Ben." Damon moaned. "Don't make me tickle you."

"You won't." Ben told him seriously, prodding his face. "'Cause then I'll move and you'll be cold."

Elena laughed as she sat heavily onto the sofa next to Damon and pulled Ben onto her lap, ruffling up his hair and wrapping her arms around him. "Momma, when auntie Bonnie and auntie Care fight, why does Auntie Care always win?" he asked innocently.

"I can answer than, Benny." Tyler said knowingly, from his place across the room, engrossed in conversation with Grayson. "You're auntie Care fights dirty." Ben wriggled out of Elena's lap and jumped off the sofa, running over to Tyler who grabbed him under the armpits and swung him into the air. "But she always, always wins. Remember that." He told the young boy as he set him on his feet.

"Auntie Care can't resist my adorable face. So _I'd_ win." Ben pointed out, putting his hands to his cheeks and squishing them together, just at the moment Caroline walked in.

"You don't count bud, no one could win against you."

"Speak of the devil." Damon muttered in Elena's ear as the blonde immediately charged his son and started tickling him to insanity. "He'll need therapy by the time he's twelve. I'm willing to bet money on that."

"You want to bet money on our son being insane?" she asked disbelievingly. "And don't worry, Tyler straightens her out." Elena pointed out reasonably, catching sight of Bonnie sitting awkwardly on the edge of an armchair on the outskirts of their group. She ran her fingers through Damon's hair and pulled him to meet her in a sweet kiss. "I need to talk to Bonnie." She told him quietly as she drew away. "She feels left out."

"I don't think she likes me." He said, pouting adorably, looking like an older, more rugged version of Ben.

"She doesn't." Elena replied, kissing him again and untangling herself from him. She walked over and plopped herself down in the chair Bonnie was sitting uncomfortably on. "Hey Bonbon, Caroline deafen you?"

Bonnie smiled weakly at her, turning around grateful to engage in the conversation. "Almost." She told her thoughtfully. "She gave me a lot to think about."

"Like?" she prompted uncertainly.

"Like, I don't know what any of this is like. Other than your Dad when we were kids, I didn't know what it was like for people." Bonnie shrugged. "I never assumed you and Damon would work out when I heard you met someone. I thought it would last a couple months then you'd figure out what you really wanted and move on." She sighed, twisting her hands together awkwardly. "Then months turned into years and I was in Texas and you were in New York and I never met the guy before today because every time I came back he was gone for months on end."

"He _had_ to, Bon." Elena pointed out sharply.

"I know, I know." She responded, appeasing Elena with her apologetic tone. "It just seemed like he wasn't here. Then you got pregnant and Caroline told me through text message and then she told me I had to get here for you so I jumped on the next flight here and the next thing I know, I'm comforting you over the death of your child's father as the same time I'm meeting that child." Bonnie finished in a rush of confusion. "That would break most people, and you were just sitting there with a new baby and a dead boyfriend. It was a lot 'Lena, I guess I don't understand how you and Car' do it. I don't understand how any of you do it." She added gesturing to the people around the room.

"He's easy to love." Elena said, smiling softly as she looked at Damon and her father talking animatedly, with wide arm gestures and loud laughs. "It's difficult to explain what it's like. You know when you come visit New York and you see me and Care? Even if it's been months since we saw each other we fall straight back into ourselves and nothing ever changes?" Bonnie nodded attentively. Elena could practically imagine the wheels turning in her mind. "Imagine you had to constantly worry about us dying, or worry about us being hurt or lost or captured. When you worry that much every minute of every day, the _only_ thing that makes that better is when he's back here and when he's _safe_."

"I guess." Bonnie admitted. "I still don't think I'll ever understand it the way you both do." She gestured to Caroline and Damon, currently bickering like siblings and play fighting as she chased him around the living room and Tyler, who suddenly tackled him to the ground, fighting him jokingly while Grayson looked on, doubled over with laughter. "You all love him a lot and he's such a big part of your life. Caroline was a wreck when she thought he was dead." Elena nodded solemnly. Those months had been excruciating, and without Caroline and even Tyler helping out she doubted she would make it though. In a way, their pain and sorrow at losing a brother, a lover and, a friend made it easier. They knew that no matter what time it was and no matter where they were, they had someone who understood.

"Bon, what's your point?" Elena asked finally through her smiles.

Bonnie shrugged absently, grinning as Ben charged towards her. "Hey bud, you come to bug your Momma while I'm talking to her?" Ben nodded enthusiastically, laughing his head off with his innocence so childlike and contagious, it just lit up the room. That was probably why Tyler and Caroline acted like kids all the time, they spent too much time around this one. "I just don't get how it all went back to normal so quickly."

* * *

_**August 18**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

_Elena stared at him. Memorizing every line, every contour of the dead man's face. She shifted slightly, leaning on her folded hands as she look in the new scars, the only marks, the faint line under his jaw where he'd cut himself shaving because she'd screamed so loud he'd thought she was being attacked. She used to tease him about it endlessly; he had cut himself shaving because of a spider. He'd grumbled and moaned, whining on and on after she had sheepishly pointed out the small bug in a corner of the room after he'd bolted out of the bathroom with blood pouring down his neck. _

_She reached out, tracing a line down his neck, across his Adam's apple and softly sweeping his collarbones. He shifted slightly, rolling towards her, breathing softly. His soft snoring and gentle breathing as he drifted in and out of slumber was enough to settle her; she was convinced he wouldn't disappear the second her eyes slid shut._

"_You're staring." He murmured, slowly opening his eyes to reveal his marine-like orbs to her. _

_She rolled her eyes, trailing her hand down his bare chest, over the tattoos lying there and began tracing the lines of his taut muscles. "I'm waiting for you to disappear." She admitted quietly, pulling her hand back slowly. He caught her hand before she pulled it away and held it firmly in his own, pressing their joined hands to his lips._

"_I'm not going anywhere." He murmured sadly, his blue eyes meeting her brown. Unable to bear the pain locked deep inside her chocolate orbs he reached out, erasing all boundaries she may have placed between them and pulled her tight against him. He dropped his head to her shoulder and placed a sweet kiss there. "I'm so in love with you." He told her in a whisper. At twenty-two years old he'd found the girl he was going to spend forever with and he hadn't even had to try that hard. They're relationship was hard, stunted and scarred by the absence of him in pictures during holidays or the constant layer of dust hovering on the guitar that stood in their study, but they were always working for it; always working towards the day when he could be done and they could be them._

_She palmed her way up his chest, trailing her fingernails over his back as he leant up and captured his mouth. "I love you too." She replied, kissing his jaw and trailing a hot path down his neck and across his shoulder. "But if you ever leave for that long again I will kill you." _

_He chortled, grabbing her thighs and rolling them over so she was on top of him, staring at him slyly. She let her head hang over him so her long hair dangled teasingly over him, letting it brush softly against his arms in the way that drove him crazy._

_Elena moved in, hovering just above his lips. "You're so disgusting. Your son is next door." She told him rationally, kissing his lips slowly, teasing him with her teeth and her lips and her tongue._

_Damon waggled his eyebrows. "How do you think we made him?"_

_Elena snorted. Leaving her legs on either side of him, she curled up on his chest, drawing patterns across the ink that was imbedded his skin, right across his heart and the skin surrounding it. The pictures trailed over his shoulder, thinning as they moved closer towards the elbow, inked memories making a path across his skin. "Immaculate conception."_

_Damon chuckled stroking her hair with one hand as the other one moved with aching slowness up the smooth skin of her thigh and across her waist, his scarred fingers dancing across her hipbones. He played with the waistband of the sleep shorts she wore for a moment before moving his attention elsewhere. He listened to the frantic beat of her heart as he moved up her stomach, his other hand tracing the outline of her jaw, moving across her arms and down, under her shirt, sending jolts of electricity through her body as they brushed over her sensitive breasts._

_Goosebumps erupted over her neck as his hot breath blew over her ear. "God, I missed you." He breathed, his voice rough and ragged. _

_She lost all restraint, holding his face tightly in her hands she kissed him deeply, fighting with him furiously as his rough hands moved over her bare back, sending aches of longing to every part of her. She captured his bottom lip between her teeth, smirking roguishly as she released it languidly, placing lazy kisses over his sternum, trailing at her own sweet-pace down his chest muscles. _

_Damon's hands slipped out of her shirt and immediately tangled in her hair and he rolled on top of her, settling between her legs as he pinned her to the mattress. She let out a low moan as he pressed into her hips. He moved from her mouth to her ear to that sweet spot on her neck, nipping the skin and driving her crazy with the attention and practiced hands of Damon Salvatore. She wrapped her legs tightly around his hips, pressing him closer to her._

_He groaned as he ripped her shirt over her head, tossing it haphazardly behind him, focusing his attention on her newly bared chest. Elena sank her head into the soft pillows, shivering as he mouth made contact, trailing lazily over her, sinking lower and lower as he kissed a path to her bellybutton. His hands palmed her hips slowly sliding her shorts off of her legs leaving her bare before his lustful gaze. As his sinful mouth reached her inner thighs, teasingly biting the skin there he moved upwards, giving her attention where she most needed it. She shuddered against him, repeating his name as she buried her trembling hands in his raven hair and he worked her skillfully, sending her tumbling over the edge before she knew what was happening and leaving her trembling beneath his tongue._

_She lay, slick with sweat and tangled in the white sheets as he laid a torturous trail of hot, burning kisses over her body, dipping his fingers inside of her as he finally reclaimed her mouth. "Damon." She finally gasped into his mouth, frantically pushing his sweats over his hipbones and sliding them down his legs. _

_He hissed in pleasure as he entered her in one fluid movement, groaning at the sense of completion he felt at finally being with her. "Elena." He bit out as her back arched against him, molding her warm, pliant body to him. He moved against her, finding a rhythm that was near impossible to lose. She was driving him crazy, as her long fingernails raked over the skin of his back leaving long red scratches. He tensed, burying his hands in her long hair and kissing her feverishly, reaching his edge as she reached hers and they both fell, leaving them breathing deeply against each other's sweat slick skin as they came back down to reality._

_Elena roused him from his state of bliss the same way she always did, with a small fingernail teasing the skin at the nape of his neck as her hands ran through his hair. He wrapped an arm around her, kissing her softly and letting his eyes fall shut._

"_I missed you." She murmured just as she fell asleep._

* * *

_**A/N: **__***blush**_

_**Just letting you know that while you lot in the U.S get your next TVD episode tomorrow, I have to wait until Monday. MONDAY. **_

_**Though I'll probably watch it online.**_

_**This show will kill me. Honestly.**_


	8. Recorded

_**Chapter Eight**_

"_A part of me I've never seen"_

* * *

_**August 23**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

Damon glanced silently at Elena talking happily with Bonnie. He stood up, stretching his muscles and walking quietly over to Grayson. "We need to talk." He said simply, staring intently at the older man.

Grayson exhaled loudly and stood up slowly, glancing at Elena, with her wide smile actually real this time and the light in her eyes was only ever put there by one person. "Go tell her we're getting a takeout."

Damon frowned slightly but did as he asked. He leaned over the armchair Elena was occupying; with one hand on the armrest and the other on her face he kissed her sweetly, stroking her cheek with the pad of his thumb. For a moment, she looked scared. She looked utterly terrified for a split-second before he kissed her again, wiping her fears away. "We're just going to get takeout." He gestured vaguely over his shoulder towards the corner where her father was standing. Elena's eyes slid over to her Dad, reading the signs and somewhere, deep in her mind she noted something was wrong between the two men.

"Okay." She said simply, kissing him gently, ignoring the looks Caroline was shooting at her.

Damon retreated from the room and silently let himself out of the house. Walking a little way down the road with Grayson at his side, it was a while before his rough voice cut through the silent mouth. "I know what this is about."

Damon whirled around. "You knew this _entire_ time!" he exploded suddenly, pointing an accusatory finger at the older man. "Did it not occur to you to tell her, maybe mention to my girlfriend thought I was dead?" Damon ran his fingers through his hair, glaring at Grayson. "Maybe point out to her that while she was grieving and raising a newborn, I'd actually be coming back?"

Grayson held up a silent hand, his face set in a grim line. "I served for twenty years Damon." He reminded him quietly. "I know what goes on behind closed doors." Damon scowled, motioning for him to continue. "The branch you were in, Tract, they send people undercover longer than any other branch does, sometimes even until the agent dies. Close relationships are like infection. They needed you free of obligations so they made you that."

"So they killed me." Damon scoffed, "They obviously didn't count on me coming back." Damon frowned for a second, kicking the rocks around his feet onto the road. "Why didn't you tell her?"

"I wasn't sure." Grayson replied truthfully. "Back then, all she needed was you to be alive and if I gave her that, only to have it torn away again, it would have killed her."

"Why did you tell me?"

"About Ben?" Grayson asked. Damon nodded slightly. He shrugged. "Because I knew without a doubt that he was yours. I just never expected-"

"That I'd get the letter?" he cut him off sharply. "I got the letter and I sent you letters back. I sent her letters. I sent Tyler letters. I sent everyone letters and the only one I ever got was a year after I left, saying that my girlfriend of seven years had just had a baby." Damon sighed, clasping his hands behind his head in aggravation. "So I did the math and I signed on undercover." He shrugged helplessly.

"Tract wanted you unattached, so they made you unattached." Grayson told him bluntly. "And if you want me to be honest, you're lucky they didn't kill them."

Damon blanched, "Kill them? They kill people? Just like that?" Grayson nodded regretfully.

"You get in the way of their operations, you die." The old soldier said simply, gazing at Damon with understanding. "And if they don't kill them, they kill you." Damon shook his head and turned on his heel, heading hurriedly back home. "Damon!" Grayson called out in irritation. "You can't say a word to her."

Damon spun around, his eyes cold and hard as he stared down Grayson. "You just told me they either kill me, or they kill them." Damon took a shaky breath, glancing frantically back towards the house. "Gray, they've already killed me." As Grayson's eyes widened suddenly in understanding, he motioned for him to return.

"I'll get the food." And he turned and walked down the street, leaving Damon alone in front of a family home, housing the typical family with 2.4 kids, and wondering when his life turned into a nightmare.

* * *

He rang the doorbell, grinning awkwardly as Elena opened the door to see him standing there. "I sort of forgot my keys." He explained, chuckled, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her sweetly.

"Where's my takeout?" she demanded, locking her hands around his neck.

"Your Dad's getting it, I just wanted to come home." He admitted shyly, running his fingers through her hair. "Am I forgiven?"

"Nope." She laughed, pulling away from him and wandering back into the living room, towing him by the hand. "I was really hungry. He bailed and didn't bring us food." She announced to room as she scooped a sleepy Ben into her arms. "Bed time, Ben-ben. We waited until Damon got back, now, you sleep." Elena told her son firmly, balancing him on her hips and stroking his black hair softly as his head rested on her shoulder.

"Night Benny." Caroline called, blowing him a kiss and waving cheekily to her favorite godson and situating herself firmly on Tyler's lap and kissing him lovingly. She deemed it age appropriate since there wasn't a conscious five-year old around anymore. Tyler chuckled and waved to Ben too, who was too out of it to notice. Elena laughed softly and kissed her son's hair, unwinding one arm from around his body to take Damon's hand softly. "You put him down." She told him. Damon stared at her incredulously, taking the young boy out of his mother's arms and holding him tight.

"You talk about him like he's an animal." He said jokingly, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly. Elena whacked him around the head gently and kissed him quickly, interrupted by a bright flash of light.

"Caroline!" Elena yelled in a whisper. "Not everything needs to be recorded in film!"

Caroline winked. "That did. It was cute. It's going on your Christmas card."

Damon left the girls bickering away and began climbing the soft carpeted stairs and padding softly into Ben's bedroom. He slowly peeled back the blue and green checked duvet and sat on the small bed, softly laying the young boy on the mattress. He pulled he duvet up to cover him and leant in kissing Ben's forehead gently.

"You're good with him." A familiar voice said from the shadows. He turned around, coming face to face with his brother for the first time in almost ten years.

* * *

_**May 14**__**th**_

_**2003**_

* * *

"_Hey. You're back." Stefan said casually, striding into the apartment he had made his home within over the last few years. "Is your tour done?" he asked curiously, clapping his hand to his brother's shoulder._

"_Hey." Damon replied, straightening upright and putting his pile of clothes on the kitchen counter. "Yeah, it's done. The next one starts in ten weeks. I'm doing a stint in the Drum."_

"_The drum?" Stefan asked, confused._

"_Fort Drum." Damon clarified. "They're retraining me for different situations." He said, vaguely, continuing to unpack. The silence stretched between them, a void of unspoken words between the brothers who had once been so close._

"_Oh." _

"_What's your issue, Stefan?" Damon bit out, whirling around to face his brother angrily. "You've had something you've wanted to say since my first tour, so get it over with before I kick you out."_

"_You're no good for her!" He snapped, folding his arms defiantly. "You're barely here and you refuse to let her go. What kind of life is that for her?"_

"_Stay out of it Stefan." Damon warned dangerously. "What happens between Elena and I is our business. If she isn't happy she can end it whenever she wants."_

"_But she's in love with you." Stefan said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "She can't end if because she loves you and she can't live with it because she loves you."_

"_I understand that." Damon retorted through clenched teeth. "Do you think I want to put her through that?" he shot out incredulously. "Don't you think I haven't tried to end it with her?"_

"Try harder." Stefan hissed. "You're only hurting her. You go away on tour after tour. You finish your service and you sign onto another; why?" He exploded loudly. "You just can't stick around! All you do is leave!"

_Damon stormed over to his brother, looking him dead in the eye. "I love her, Stefan." He said slowly as if he were talking to a young child. "If I'm hurting her, she tells me. If I'm signing on again, she knows. If I'm causing her more pain that it's worth, she'll end it. I love her Stefan, so help me god, if you try and ruin the best thing in my life I will hate you forever."_

_Stefan stared at the ground, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. He exhaled loudly, stomping over to the door where it lay open. He looked up, meeting his brother's eyes. "I loved her first."_

* * *

"Look who showed his face," Damon sneered bitterly. "I thought you never wanted to see me again because I stole your girl? He snapped, using air quotations mockingly.

"That was nine years ago, Damon." Stefan said quietly. "Elena sought me out after she thought you died."

"Did she now?" Damon said disbelievingly.

"Yeah, she did!" Stefan insisted. "She figured her son would need as much family as he could get."

"So you get to play Daddy to my son while I'm not here?" Damon said cuttingly, standing abruptly and waking out of the room, closing the door gently. "Bet you loved that."

Stefan's eyes narrowed. "You're my brother, Damon. My _brother_. And I was told you were dead. Maybe Elena and Caroline and Tyler can all go straight back to normal, but I _can't_."

"Normal?" Damon laughed humorlessly. "You think we're back to normal? The only reason those three can even begin to settle back to the way things were are because for the last twelve years they've been used to me coming and going."

"And I'm not." Stefan stressed. "I didn't come here to fight you."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I live here?" Stefan pointed out smugly. "Don't look at me like that." He said rolling his eyes. "This house is never empty. I know this is the only thing you used Dad's money for. You're the one who made sure it had enough rooms that there's always spares."

"Not the only thing." Damon said quietly. The large inheritance from his father had been largely untouched, only ever used to buy two things.

"Look, this is me making amends."

"Is it?" Damon shot out. "Pretty crappy apology if you ask me."

That was when Elena appeared working her way upstairs holding a large bag in her hands. "Bonnie is sleeping here tonight." She told them both explanatorily. "And where the hell have you been all night," she snapped at Stefan and her eyes slid between the two brothers. "And the past few days? Nice disappearing act, Stefan." She rolled her eyes and opened a door, placing the bag inside before retreating to her son's room for a few minutes.

"Nice one." Damon said smugly. "Pissing Elena off is never good."

"You would know, you've done it enough." Stefan snapped, folding his arms defiantly.

"Oh grow up." Elena hissed at both of them, glaring at the two men. "Stefan, we'll talk tomorrow, and you," she prodded Damon in the stomach, "have been back long enough for me to be mad at."

Damon raised an eyebrow and grabbed her around the waist, spinning her so she was pressed between his body and the wall. "You wouldn't be mad at me. Not today."

Elena smiled and kissed him fiercely. "I'm never mad at you for long."

"And don't I know it." He said laughing. "How come I've been here for almost a week and not noticed my brother living here?"

Elena scowled at him, wrapping her arms around his waist. "He disappeared. I know you always told me you and him don't get on, but Ben's his nephew and I did know him before I knew you."

"And he's my brother, and he has issues with me; a lot of issues. So many, I don't even think I could name them all."

"So I heard." Elena mused, brushing his hips with her hands. "Apparently to do with me."

"He had a crush on you." Damon shrugged. "He admitted it right after I got back from my second tour. Let's say I got pissed off."

Elena recoiled in horror. "He's like my _brother_." She shuddered, a disgusted look on her face. "That makes me feel so icky." She laughed suddenly, rolling her shoulders back as if she was trying to shake the feeling away. She pulled away from him, catching his lips softly with hers. "I'll be back."

Damon looked at her suspiciously. "You're going to go be disgusted with Caroline, aren't you?"

Elena set her face in the appropriate look of mock-offence. "No." she insisted. "I would never."

But nevertheless, two minutes later as he stood waiting at the top of the stairs, he heard the distinctive, high-pitched noise of the one and only Caroline.

_"EEEEW!"_

Damon roared with laughter and charged down the stairs, catching Elena from behind. "You liar." he accused, talking low into her ear before kissing behind it with his strong arms clasped in front of her stomach. She turned in his grip and draped her arms over his shoulders. He tugged her back upstairs, ignoring the sighs of protest from their friends and before they were even in the confines of their bedroom, his lips were attacking hers and her restless hands were shredding their clothes.

As their clothes became indistinguishable piles of cloth on the floor, Damon pushed them to the bed, pressing her to the mattress and worshipping her body with six years worth of love. She returned his affection, driving him closer to his edge with every touch laid upon him.

"I love you." He gasped in her ear as he came to, murmuring words of adoration in her ear as she trembled in his arms.

She pressed her lips to his shoulder blade, whispering into his scarred skin. "I love you too."

* * *

_**A/N: Warning, things will turn slightly darker in the next few chapters. Hope to see you on the other side.**_


	9. Darker

_**Chapter Nine**_

"_You took my soul and wiped it clean"_

* * *

_**August 25**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

"I can't believe you let slip my secret." Elena said shaking her head in disbelief as she started to rinse Ben's plate to put it in the dishwasher. "Five years I managed, and in a matter of hours, you blew it all out of the water." Damon took it gently from her and put it in place, closing the dishwasher as he straightened up.

He chuckled, high fiving Ben's small hand. "Hey, they were _my_ pancakes."

"Come on, Benny, you like my pancakes more don't you?" Elena asked her son, fluttering her eyelashes.

"It's the same recipe!" Damon exclaimed loudly, gulping down coffee as he leant against the counter.

Ben looked at the both, his bright blue eyes wide and calculating as he rested his chin in his hands. "Momma makes nicer pancakes." He concluded, shrugging his small shoulders.

"Ha!" she yelled happily, clapping her hands. "My pancakes are better."

"You're a traitor Benny." Damon told the young boy seriously. "Bros before hoes."

"Damon-!" Elena started to hiss loudly, but Ben's curious voice cut him off.

"What's a _hoe_?" he asked confused, his eyebrows furrowed deeply. Damon couldn't answer him; he was too busy bent double over the kitchen counter, spluttering uncontrollably with laughter and didn't seem to be ready to stop any time soon. Elena opened her mouth wordlessly and closed it dejectedly, a slight grin spread across her face. She bit her lip to stop herself smiling before her musical laughter erupted into the room.

"You're such a bad influence on my son." Elena said seriously, struggling to maintain a straight face.

Damon straightened up, his face open and happier than she had seen it in years. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, dropping a subtle kiss on her hair, invisible to the oblivious five year old that had run off into the hallway to greet Caroline as she let herself in. Damon tilted her chin upwards and pressed a lingering kiss onto her lips. "Damon!" Caroline called cheerfully from the front door.

Damon sighed as unwound his arms from Elena. He kissed her cheek and wandered through to the hallway. "What you screaming about now, Blondie?"

Caroline held out a blank envelope to him. "Mail."

Damon rolled his eyes and slid his finger under the flap, ripping it open. "Quite an over dramatic reaction to a letter isn't it?" He didn't even hear Caroline's response over the dull thudding of his heart in his chest as he took in the signature his eyes had been drawn to scrawled messily across the bottom of the page.

"Damon?" Caroline asked him quietly, rousing him from his daydream. "Who's the letter from?"

By this point Elena had appeared in the hallway, wiping her hands on her jeans. "Just-" Damon cleared his throat awkwardly, trying to speak past the dryness. "I need to go to the Fort." He kissed Elena's cheek quickly and ruffled Ben's hair. "Need to talk to Ric about something. I'll see you later." He called as he nearly ran out of the door, swinging it shut behind him.

"That was weird." Caroline noted. Elena was still staring at the door; her mind was working on overdrive; haunted by the sense of déjà vu settling into her bones. She prodded Ben in the back as she crouched down to talk to him. "Go get your stuff Ben-ben."

"Snap out of it 'Len." Caroline said briskly, shoving her coat into her hands just as Ben came charging down the stairs, a wide smile on her face. Elena crouched down and messed up his neat hair playfully. "I still don't get why you do that." Caroline admitted.

"Come on Care!" Elena said incredulously, gesturing at the small boy. "It's Ben. You don't see him looking all prim and proper, it's weird." She winced slightly, somehow Ben, her crazy, chaotic son, and the image of tidy didn't go well in her mind.

Caroline shook her head. "Come on." She said to Elena, motioning towards her car with her head.

Elena raised an eyebrow. "Why can't you just come by after you drop him off?" she sighed miserably, sliding on her jacket.

"You know I have to work, that's the only reason I drag my ass round here every morning to take him to school."

Elena leant against the doorframe. "Exactly, I'm not spending my day in your office. Last time you nearly got fired."

"That's because you went wandering about and burst in on a meeting!" Caroline reminded her loudly, not so gently reminding her friend about one of her memorable moments. "Fine, you sit here all by yourself waiting for your absentee boyfriend to reappear." Elena's smile faded on her face as she looked away from Caroline's eyes. "Ugh, I'm sorry." She muttered sadly, nudging Elena gently.

"I know." She said, shrugging lightly wrapping her arms around herself tightly. "I'll see you in a bit."

Caroline nodded, a sad smile on her face as she wandered out of the door, chasing a waiting Ben down the path in her five-inch heels. Elena closed the door slowly, leaning her head against the rough wood, trembling as wave after wave of remembrance crashed over her, drowning her in memories.

* * *

_**November 15**__**th**_

_**2006**_

* * *

"_Damon?" she said softly, leaning against the doorframe of the study as she watched him pluck slowly at the worn guitar, his eyes scanning over a sheet of paper over and over. He'd been reading the letter that had arrived three days ago at every possible moment, the same air of dread creeping into his features, sucking the life out of his eyes._

_He looked up, his bright blue eyes lifting slightly. "Hey." He said, putting the guitar down and standing up, wandering over to her and kissing her sweetly, winding his strong arms around him. "How's my least favorite blonde?"_

"_Stressed." Elena replied, rolling her eyes widely, resting comfortably in Damon's arms. "I had to stay over; her and Tyler were fighting again and she refused to stay here." She shrugged, moving her shoulder _

_Damon rested his chin on top of her head, rubbing her hand softly. "I'm glad we don't fight." He murmured into her hair._

_Elena snorted unattractively. "What's there to fight about?"_

_Damon pulled away, a shallow light in his eyes. He caught her lips with his, brushing her hair back from her head. He stooped, picking up the worn sheet of paper in his hand and folding it quickly into the pocket of his jeans. "I need to go to the Fort, Lay." He said, brushing past her and slipping on his leather jacket. "I need to talk to Ric about something. I'll see you later."_

_Elena caught his arm, her face open and scared, her eyes telling her story. "What's that?" she asked, motioning to the white sheet of paper sticking slightly out of his jeans pocket._

_Damon shrugged, kissing her forehead sweetly and disappearing out of the door with a soft touch to her cheek. Her gaze was drawn to the white envelope carelessly left on the floor; she squatted, picking it up and reading the sender's address over and over again until it sunk into her mind, registering slowly and leaving nothing but fear behind. Her breathing began to come in deep shuddering breaths as her mind furiously tried to ignore all inevitable signs pointing to the fact that he was leaving her again._

* * *

"Hey." Damon whispered to her, crouching in front of the couch several hours later. "Is Ben asleep?"

Elena nodded sleepily, shifting slightly so she was staring deep into his bright eyes. "Everything okay?"

"Yep." He replied, slightly too quickly. "Just a misunderstanding." He added, shrugging carelessly, running a hand through his hair, a tell tale sign that he was stressed.

"A misunderstanding." She echoed skeptically, eyeing him doubtfully. She closed her eyes, trying to reign in her pounding heart. If Damon noticed, he didn't say a word. He just straightened up and sat on the sofa with her, lying down behind her and pulling her tight against his chest. He held her like his world was going to end.

"What's wrong?" she murmured, threading her hand through his.

'Nothing's wrong 'Lay." He replied quietly with a faint edge of worry in his tone as his lips moved against her hair. "Sleep, angel." He urged sweetly, kissing her temple softly. "I love you."

Elena hesitated for a moment, a spark of unease shooting up her spine. "Love you." She murmured softly, holding his hand tighter with her own. Finally, her weariness outlasted her worry, and her eyes dropped shut sending her to a land with no worries or troubles, only the everlasting joy of a dream filled slumber.

* * *

The next few days were much the same; the same unspoken distance permeating their touches, the same secrets hovering around the edges of conversation, the same hint of something darker skulking at the edges off her consciousness. And as the days stretched into weeks, she grew weary of the never-ending weight in her chest. The nights he disappeared to the Fort, on the excuse of follow-up work, she curled up with Ben, muttering excuses into his innocent ears as to why she was so sad.

Tonight was such a night. Damon had been exceptionally anxious today, kissing her hard in the morning, muttering a restless "I love you" before he held her tightly in his arms for a long minute and disappeared from the house, climbing into his car and driving away. Her curiosity won out and she stood on the doorstep, trying to watch Ben run around like a maniac, playing with a ball but all she saw was Damon's old Camaro turning right at the end of the street, taking the road leading away from the Fort. It only added to her nervous energy, something which Caroline and Tyler both continuously commented on.

"Momma?" Ben whispered, tapping her arms gently as he lay curled up on her chest in the velvety darkness. "Why doesn't Damon come here anymore?" he asked, his blue eyes so wide and vulnerable her heart almost broke. Elena knew her son had grown attached to Damon and it pained her that she still withheld their relation from him, but her unease at his situation had prevented her from spilling her secrets to her child only to have his heart broken by circumstances beyond either of their control.

"He's working a lot, baby." She murmured soothingly, kissing his hair.

"I miss him." He said, clutching her tightly. "I want him _here_."

Elena held him tighter in her arms, squeezing her eyes shut to stop the tears from falling. "I know, Ben-ben. I miss him too. I want him here too." She admitted, stroking her son's hair gently.

"Then make him come back." Ben said as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Five years old and an untainted view of the world allowed him to see things the way they were, the way they should be and the way to fix them.

"It's not that simple, baby." She whispered quietly.

"Don't you love him, Momma?" he questioned in shock, hugging her neck tightly. "I love him."

"I do." She told him, leaning her chin on Ben's head and his tired lids veiled his blue eyes as she felt him relax in her arms.

"And he loves you." He muttered sleepily, nestling comfortably into his mother's chest. "So everything will be okay."

"Yeah." She whispered, hearing a car in the driveway and the soft noise of the door opening and closing. She eased Ben out of her arms and settled him in the pillows, pulling his blankets up around him. "Everything will be okay." She dropped a kiss to his forehead and padded out of the room, shutting the wooden door softly behind her.

She leant against the wall, waiting for Damon to come up the stairs with the same dead expression in his eyes. She didn't have to wait long before she heard the familiar creak of his foot on the third stair as he made his way up stairs. His blue eyes met hers as his eye line broke past the landing.

"Why are you still up?" he asked softly, walking across the landing and winding his warm arms around her and kissing her shoulder sleepily.

She gestured slightly towards Ben's closed door. "He misses you." She told him in a quiet voice.

Damon's eyes saddened unbearably as he held her tighter. "I miss him too." He whispered looking into her eyes.

"_I_ miss you." She added for good measure, running her fingers through his hair.

"I'm right here." He said smiling ruefully. His handed ghosted down her arm and threaded with hers and he gently towed her towards their bedroom. Elea followed reluctantly, sitting tiredly on the edge of the bed and leaning her head in her arms. He sat down heavily beside her, one hand gently moving in warm circles across her lower back.

"You know what I mean." She said, slightly irritated and she held herself together with her own arms. She sighed in defeat, meeting his eyes with desperation. "What's going on, Damon?"

Damon looked at her with sad eyes. "I've never kept anything from you." He started, stroking her cheek with his finger. "But this is too big, 'Lena. I can't."

"Damon." She breathed, kissing his lips once softly. "Don't hide from me." She whispered. Damon felt her hot breath against his lips.

He sighed, and wound his arms around her body, pulling her tightly against him. "I'm right here." He repeated quietly, trailing kisses across he exposed collarbones, leaving a burning path from her shoulder to her jaw, peppering kisses over her neck until he claimed her lips with a desperate urgency. She responded in kind, allowing him to press her back into the mattress, molding his lips to her with a bruising force.

He wasted no time peeling off her small tank top and throwing it to the floor where his swiftly joined it. She moaned into his mouth as he worshipped every inch of her newly exposed skin, laving her sensitive skin with unnecessary care. She yanked his head up to meet her lips, catching them with a crushing kiss and letting her hands trail down his sculpted abs, unbuttoning his jeans and sliding them off his legs, leaving him in his black boxers.

She squealed as he flipped them over, leaving her on top of him, her bare olive skin glistening in the moonlight. His hands palmed over her sides, sliding down to brush over her hips. He slid his hands inside her small sleep shorts, slowly easing them off of her long tanned legs.

His mouth found her breasts as she moved to kiss his neck, kissing his way down the valley between them, listening to the delicious sounds she made as his mouth moved closer and closer to her stomach. He flipped them over, pressing her to the mattress and he danced his fingers across her skin, watching as goose bumps erupted over her body. Elena moaned as he dipped a finger inside of her, torturing her slowly as he pressed slow, tender kisses to her neck. Her small hands slid between them urgently pushing his boxers down his legs as she wrapped a hand around him, stroking him tenderly, matching her speed to his.

He groaned into her ear, biting teasingly on her ear lobe. He pulled her hand away, threading his fingers through her and holding them other side of her head as he pushed inside of her, groaning in pleasure and letting his head fall into the crook of her shoulder. He moved slowly, the tenderness of their position suffusing love with every movement. He kissed her fiercely, leaning his forehead against hers, keeping his eyes locked with hers. Her long legs locked around his hips as she clenched around him. She kissed him suddenly, her moans muffled by his lips, as hers muffled his as they fell head first over the edge, crashing to the ground in a haze of sweat.

He lay there for a long time listening to the steady breathing of Elena sleeping in his arms. He treasured her and these moments he had with her because that letter, the one that lay creased and crumpled in his abandoned jeans, the one that held his future held his future, a future he might not survive this time. It was an inevitable outcome that those he had spied on would come looking for him when he suddenly disappeared after five years, but he had counted upon a letter from a friend arriving through his mailbox so soon.

* * *

_Captain Damon Salvatore, _

_You have fifteen years active duty under the United States Military; you're a father of one; a homeowner. You even have a girlfriend. I had my suspicions, my friend but a soldier however; a spy sent from the government to befriend and infiltrate our ranks was beyond even my suspicions._

_You my friend, have some explaining to do. _

Then scrawled messily across the bottom in his best friend of over half a decade's familiar handwriting was the signature of the man he had befriended, betrayed and spied on for nearly six years.

_Klaus_


	10. Hurricane

_**Chapter Ten**_

"_Our love was made for movie screens"_

* * *

_**September 9**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

"No." Damon said furiously, his blue eyes had darkened to the shadowy grey of a raging storm cloud. "I come down here and you tell me _that_?"

Ric sighed rubbing his hands over his face, finally looking his age as the wear he'd suffered settled in he creases of his skin. "I told you not to go back to her, Salvatore," he snapped, "and you didn't listen."

"Explain _that_." Damon hissed, throwing the crumpled sheet of paper viciously at the older man. "If I hadn't been there who knows what could have happened. You know what he's like! He doesn't do confrontations; he plays sick, _twisted_ mind games!"

Ric read the letter with wary eyes, scanning over the lines of print at a furious pace. Damon saw when he reached the last line, because his eyes tightened and his mouth set itself in a grim line as his grey eyes lifted to meet his blue ones. "He found you."

"He never lost me." Damon grumbled snatching the letter back and folding it back within the pocket of his leather jacket. "Great job you did with that by the way."

Alaric's eyes went hard, going from understanding to cold in less than a heartbeat. "We kept you safe. We got you home. Understanding that outside this Fort, there are six billion people is another thing." Alaric was angry now, a dull rage suffusing through his voice. "Be pissed all you like _Captain_," he sneered derisively. "But if they found you it's because you were careless and now you have to deal with the consequences."

"Careless?" Damon snorted. "I went home. To a family, and a child." He sighed, his eyes dropping to the floor. "She thought I was dead, Ric. Even if I intended it to be a short visit, how could I do that to her?" he asked in defeat. "Drop in after six years and yell 'Hey! I'm alive! Bye!' and walk out on her again?" His eyes met Alaric's once more. "Could you have done it?"

To his credit, Ric didn't even flinch at the defeated tone of Damon's voice. "They sent Elena a letter?" Ric said quietly, finally dropping all formality that had always obligatory between himself and Damon. "I never expected it to happen to you."

Damon's head jerked up. "It happened to you." It wasn't a question.

"Read about my own death in the Christmas bulletin that comes in from my home town. Said I was a hero, died too young, yada yada yada. Still got a section on me nowadays. I don't think they had the heart to stop sending it here." He said softly, running a hand across his stubble as if it provided him with some measure of comfort.

"Why don't you tell them?"

Ric snorted. "I love my Christmas Bulletin, Damon. How else would I keep up with small town gossip?"

Damon rolled his eyes, shooting Ric a look. "Why don't you tell them you're alive?"

Alaric raised one, steady eyebrow, his gaze disbelieving. "Look what happened to you. I stay dead; Tract stays happy; family stays alive. _That's_ what matters. Nothing else."

"What do you know about Tract?" he asked suddenly, his voice sharp and short. He was done, just _done_, with endless evasive questions.

Ric's jaw clenched. "I know that I can't help you." He said shortly, not meeting Damon's eyes. "Where Tract are involved, I stay out of it. They're finally done with me," he looked at Damon with sorrowful eyes. "But that doesn't mean I can control them. If they have a claim on you, that's it: you're there's. You belong to them."

"I've always belonged to them! Even before all of this!" Damon exploded, his anger rushing out in hot tides of fury. "They sent me to London before I even signed on officially! Origin was _their_ operation. They sent a solider in as a spy just because they could! Because they had me unattached and unaware my family thought I was _dead_!"

"And you fucked up Origin!" Ric yelled furiously. "Don't give me that look, _Captain_! Origin was created to take _down_ the criminals in London and the place is going stronger than ever!"

Damon's mouth opened in protest, his eyes wide in outrage. "You took down the Fells within ten months with the information I collected! Donovan was down within two years! I took them all down, one by one." He snarled through gritted teeth.

"You were undercover for nearly six years Damon. Nearly every mediocre to high power criminal organization was down inside four. What does that tell you?"

"It tells me nothing." He bit out, glaring at his friend. "I did my job. I met my objectives."

"The _Mikaelson's_ were the prime objectives, you idiot! The _only_ objective that mattered and the only one you failed to meet!" Ric roared, slamming his palm on the desk. "Origin was created to destroy the very substance of London's underworld! And what do you do? You make Klaus your new best friend!"

Damon's eyes tightened. Tract had sent a soldier to do spy's job; a solider, mostly if that solider is him, lives to see the good in people. He had looked for the redeemable qualities inside his main target and so what, he'd seen a fucking lot of them. Klaus Mikaelson – whether he was as cruel or as heartless or as evil as the world painted him – had become a friend.

"It doesn't matter now. Origin is dead. Send in new operatives." Damon shrugged, running his hands through his hair distraughtly. "They found me, Ric. And now they're after her." Ric looked up at him, his face etched with regret as his clear eyes lost some of their spark. "Don't say it." Damon pleaded weakly, running both of his tattooed hands through his mussed up black locks. He took a deep breath, his tormented gaze meeting his friend's. "I know what I have to do."

Alaric nodded once, his eyes flickering towards the door as a shadow of a man flitted past the frosted glass. "Glad you understand, Captain."

Damon grew somber, deep shadows etched onto his face. "Look after them, Ric."

He nodded again, meeting Damon's eyes with utter sincerity. "For as long as you're not here."

* * *

As Damon crept into the silent house that night, he didn't immediately wander up to Ben's room with the faint hope that he might still be awake. He didn't look in on Ben's sleeping form before sighing in defeat and dropping himself onto Elena's bed and pulling her close to him as they whispered words into the shadowed night. Instead, he took a right at the front door and sat down heavily in the study, trailing a finger softly over the thick layer of dust that had settled over his possessions; his old guitar lay untouched in the corner, a camera probably still loaded with ancient pictures, broken phones, abandoned picture frames. Everything was covered in the fog of time. He bent down slightly, opening up a drawer to pull out a white sheet of paper and place it softly in front of him. Somehow, his favorite pen found its way into his hand. Twirling it around his fingers, the aching blankness of the white sheet seemed to haunt him.

He took a deep breath ignoring the soft rustling and murmurings coming from above. He pressed pen to paper and he began to write.

The words spilled out as sharp black ink on white paper. He wanted to think it was perfect: written in flawless calligraphy with heart-wrenching words and the like but it simply wasn't. It was chaos if you asked him, a bit like he was. Messy, hectic, all over the place. It was smudged in places where his hand had raced frantically over the paper, desperate to get his words in ink.

"What you doing?" Caroline asked softly, sitting down softly in the armchair in the corner of the study.

Damon glanced at Caroline briefly. If he had paid more attention he might have noticed the limp texture of her hair, the lackluster smile and the half-hearted charade she was still trying to keep up. He'd noticed it within days of being back – no matter how loyal he was to Tyler, Caroline was like an exceptionally annoying little sister, and his friend had given up his duty in the army for her. Surely that made him a hell of a lot better that him, right? But no, Tyler still hadn't put a ring on her finger no matter how many promises he made her. He saw it from their first fight years ago, when Caroline turned up in floods of tears during one of the few months a year Damon had with Elena, and they had opened their arms to her, waiting for years after that night for the relationship to finally crumble. With the practiced way Elena had enveloped Caroline in her arms, told him this wasn't a one-time thing.

"What are _you_ doing, Caro?" he replied ambiguously, fixing the girl with a stern look. She smiled sadly, leaning her chin on her hands. The world was fine, but the people were broken.

"Is that a letter?"

"Yeah." He sighed, his eyes scanning over the lines of chaotic print.

"Why-" Caroline asked in a small voice, her green eyes burning furiously into him.

"Don't." He interrupted, running a hand across his stubble.

Caroline shrugged, her shoulders slumping in resignation. "What does it say?" she asked curiously, a dull knot of tension growing in her chest.

Damon let out a rough noise, halfway between a laugh and a sigh. "Everything."

Caroline's face didn't change. Her mouth stayed curved in a small, sad smile. There was no raise of her eyebrow or twinkle of her eye as she scoffed and mocked him for it. She just looked at him, as if even she knew it was a lost cause to argue with him. And then the words, the ink he'd placed so recently on the paper in his hands came pouring out of his mouth like a torrent of water. For the past six years, who had he to confide in but a man he had been sent to betray?

He'd fucked up. Ric was right, like he always was, the smug bastard, when he'd said he shouldn't have befriended his target. Perhaps that was his first mistake. Or maybe his first mistake was ever getting mixed up with Tract in the first place. Or perhaps it was refusing them in the way he had: when an organization like Tract wants you, they _get_ you. There is no middle ground, no 'maybe' option on the cards. You said yes, or they come like a fire, burning you to the ground.

Either way, he managed to drill some emotion back into he blonde. Her hand clapped over her mouth in shock, her eyes wide like glistening emeralds in the dim lighting. "Everything." He repeated, shrugging slightly as he looked down for a moment. "That's what's in the letter."

"You don't have to go." She said silently, staring at him dumbstruck. "You could stay here. Try explain-"

"I do, Care. I really do." He sighed, running both hands through his hair, leaving his raven locks in a disheveled state. "I need to. Origin," he trailed off, fixing his gaze on a far off point on the wall. "Origin was my fault. I fucked it up. I care too much, all those pesky little emotions getting in the way-"

Caroline swiftly cut him off with a sharp glare. "How can you care _too_ much?"

Damon raised an eyebrow, giving her a look that said her questions were better left unanswered. How _do_ you care too much? Your target becomes like a brother to you, so much so that in the end, your failed your duty. _That's_ how you cared too much. Caroline stood up and flung her arms around his neck.

"You're a dick, Damon." She griped exasperatedly, pulling away and glaring at him with her favorite 'death by Caroline Forbes' look. "Elena can't deal with all this by herself. God, Damon. She _needs_ you."

"What she _needs_ is to stay safe." He growled, pulling away in a sharp movement. They were like siblings; he loved the girl, but there were times when he would happily throw her head first off the Empire State building. Twice actually, if the first time happened to fail.

"What she needs is you!" Caroline hissed, dropping her voice for once. "You-" she growled, prodding his chest furiously as she stepped towards him. "Put her through _hell_. She loved a dead man for six years, raised a child for five! You were _gone_. You walking back through that door?" she scoffed incredulously. "Nothing short of a miracle. You leave again Damon she won't make it through this time." she yelled, her voice rising dangerously.

Damon dropped to his chair, burying his head in his hands. He finally looked Caroline in her flaming eyes, his jaw clenching with regret. "Caroline." She shot him a fierce look.

Caroline looked at him with glistening eyes. "If you leave she'll crumble."

"Stop." He said breathing heavily. "I will stop them, Care." He vowed, his eyes bright and determined. "But until I do I either disappear, go on a couple missions, try to not let Tract murder me or Elena, Ben, you, everyone I care about are going to get hurt." He whispered, standing up and giving her a tight hug. He pulled away, resting his hands on her shoulder.

"Where will you go?" she breathed quietly, her eyes threatening tears as she readied herself to watched Damon walk away, and once again, her best friend would be gone and god knows when she would see him again.

"I'm a solider, Care." He said shrugging. "I go wherever they send me."

Caroline shot him a steely look. "Where are you going _first_?"

Damon gave her a helpless look. "I don't know." Caroline glared at him unamused. "Will you give this to her?" He asked urgently ignoring Caroline's question. He was holding out the folded sheet with trembling hands.

"Damon…" she began slowly, looking reluctantly between her friend and the ominous white envelope.

"_Please_." He said desperately, his eyes on fire. "Just-" he broke off burying his face in his hands. "Please."

Caroline looked at him with anguished eyes. Damon Salvatore was like her brother, like the only sibling she'd ever had in her entire life. He was part of the only family she'd ever know. "You're really leaving again aren't you?" Damon looked away from her, his face finding refuge in his tattooed hands. She sighed, standing up and walking towards the door. "Are you ever coming back?"

* * *

"Mom, why is Damon never here?" Ben asked sleepily as Elena pulled up his covers, dropping a quick kiss to his forehead.

"He's working, baby." She answered simply, her heart constricting in her chest. "He'll be home soon."

"Promise?" his muffled voice asked hopefully from beneath the covers. Elena swallowed roughly, leaning her forehead against the bump in the duvet where his shoulder lay.

"I love you Ben-ben." She whispered, standing up and brushing a strand of hair away from his peaceful face.

"Love you." He mumbled, half asleep. Elena padded out of the room, closing the door shut behind her and burying her face in her hands.

In ways, the constant disappearances she was enduring were worse than the years he spent serving abroad. Each night, maybe every few days while she was curled up alone in her bed, his heavy weight would drop onto the bed, shifting her in just the right way as his strong tattooed arms would wrap around her back and hold her close to him. With each tour, Elena knew the dates, exact moment in time when she would have him close to her; and now, all she had was a dull ache in her heart as she pretended to sleep every night, waiting for her soldier to come home. This was how it always started. She pressed her face into the pillow more firmly, hugging it tightly to her face to dry the silent tear tracks trailing down her face. How many times had he left her? She wondered silently, great shuddering breaths wracking through her body.

The mattress creaked and shifted beneath her and Damon's heavy weight dropped suddenly onto the bed next to her. She jolted violently, her eyes snapping to his worried gaze.

"What's wrong?" he asked, brushing a thumb across her cheekbone. She let out a sharp breath.

"You're kidding right?" she snapped at him, staring at the ceiling.

Damon rolled onto his back and tried to calm his racing thoughts.

* * *

_**February 27th **_

_**2001**_

* * *

_Elena's teeth grazed teasingly over his shoulder, biting down lightly. He suppressed a groan, rolling over so he was pinning her to the bed. He glared at her, rolling his eyes at her mischievous grin._

"_Now you're just being mean." He griped, frowning at her. "You know we can't."_

"_I know." She sighed, wrapping her arms around his waist, shoving him off her to nuzzle her face in the crook of his shoulder. "I'll just miss you." She admitted shyly, her face hidden from view. _

_He kissed her hair, a surprisingly sweet gesture. It had been barely two months since he'd met Elena Gilbert and the thought of leaving her ripped ragged through his heart. "I'll miss you too." He murmured into her chestnut hair. "A lot."_

_She held him tighter, her fingers dancing lightly over the tattoos spread across his arms. "Promise me you'll stay safe."_

"_Promise." He told her, playing with the ends of her hair absently._

"_Is it bad that I don't want you to go?" she asked quietly, her gaze finally meeting his. "I've known you less than two months." She said incredulously, "I can't say something like that."_

"_Does that really matter? Two months or two years, I don't want to go either. For once, I actually want to stay here." He admitted to her. "I blame you." He teased playfully, kissing her temple. "Disrupting my sense of duty."_

_She chuckled, her laughter vibrating through him like a warm wind. "If it keeps you here then I'm all for it." She paused, biting her lip. "What-" she broke off, her eyes dropping downwards._

"_What are we gonna do?" he finished gently, tilting her chin up to look at him. He sighed, kissing her gently and leaning her forehead against his cheek. "I'm gonna fight. Like you know I have to."_

"_Then?" she whispered, her voice tight and unusually subdued._

_He shrugged, holding her rightly against him. "Then I'll come back to you. And hope to God some other guy hasn't stolen you away."_

_She smiled slightly, pressing a kiss to his bare chest. "Better hurry back then. I won't be able to resist long." She laughed lightly, her fingers running through his hair._

"_You shouldn't have to." He said stiffly, laying one arm behind his head. "You shouldn't have to resist other guys. We should just stop this." _

_Elena frowned and sat up, her long hair cascading in waves over her shoulder. "What the hell?"_

"_What?" he asked, turning his head to look at her. "It's not fair to you. Why should you wait for a guy who might not even come back?"_

_Elena's expression went from irritated to downright angry in under three seconds. "Don't say that. Don't _ever_ say that." She warned in a low voice, moving away from him slightly and wrapping her arms around her knees. _

"_Don't say the truth?" he scoffed, sitting up and rolling his eyes. "Be realistic, Elena. Are you really gonna wait around four years for some random guy you hooked up with on New Year's Eve?"_

_Elena flinched, her eyes losing their fire as she became more and more hurt. "That's what this whole fucking thing was? A random hook up?" she echoed, her voice foreign to her own mind. _

_Damon shrugged slightly. "You've known me two months." He pointed out reasonably, ignoring everything in him telling him to shut up. "You won't wait four years."_

"_Vacations." she pointed out quietly as she ran a shaky hand through her hair._

"_Fine. Let's say I get a weekend to spend here, over Christmas. That's ten months away, that'd be nearly a _year_ since we met." He swallowed trying to stop his voice from shaking. "You can't expect this to work." He added, closing his eyes for a moment as a heavy weight settled in his chest._

"_You know what? Fuck you." She snapped, leaving the bed and walking to the door as tears spilled down her cheeks._

_Damon was frozen for a second; unsure of how he was suddenly watching Elena's form walking away from him. And then, as if something suddenly 'clicked' or whatever, he was out of the bed and following Elena into his messy apartment hallway. He grabbed her wrist pulling her towards him, caging her to his chest. She tried to pull away, angry fire burning behind her watery eyes. _

_He let go off her wrists only to catch her face between his hands. "Stop." He snapped. "Please." he added pleadingly staring her straight in the eyes. He wiped away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. "'Lena, I love you. Call me insane, but I do." He murmured to her. "But how can I expect you to wait for me 'Lena? I'm _your_ random New Year's hook up, not the guy you're going to wait four years for. You're not mine to ask that of," he whispered brokenly._

_Elena stared at him in shock; her beautiful brown eyes open with undisguised disbelief. "I wouldn't wait for some random guy I met on New Year's." she agreed, nodding lightly, wrapping her fingers around his. "So why am I here with you?"_

_Damon raised an eyebrow. "What?"_

"_I'm already here, you idiot." She muttered, rolling her eyes. "So you can leave and come back for Christmas and I'll _still_ be here."_

"_But I can't ask you to do that!" Damon said tortured, pulling away from her. "How can you tell me that?" he whispered, his voice shaking._

"'_Cause it's true." She shrugged, winding her arms around his neck. "So we'll make a deal. I'll wait for you, ten months, four years, whatever and you come back. Like you promised. I know what it's like, Damon; my dad was in the army. Whether you're back for ten hours or ten years it's all the same."_

"_What if I don't come back?"_

_Elena froze, meeting his gaze with fearful eyes. "Don't say that."_

_Damon wrapped her in his arms and kissed her hair softly. "I really do love you, you know."_

"_I know." She whispered against his chest. She pulled away, taking his hands and pulling him back to bed. She laid her head against his chest, her fingers dancing over his muscles. "I love you too."_

* * *

Elena sighed loudly and laid her head on his bare chest in defeat. "Sorry."

"S'okay." He murmured, smoothing his palm against her hair gently, though he knew the action had always soothed him more than her.

"It's not though." She frowned against his warm skin. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." He persisted adamantly. "I was undercover, 'Lena. Of course coming back to the States has been a bit shaky. That's all."

"You've been undercover before."

"Not like this." He told her, running his calloused palms over her soft arms. "You know I can't talk about it. National security, blah blah _blah_." He joked pointlessly.

Elena's grip tightened around his waist. "That's not what we need to talk about. Stop avoiding the question."

"Being a mom suits you, you went all diplomatic on my ass." He grinned ruefully, vainly attempting to lighten the situation.

"It helps that you have the mental capacity of a five year old!" she griped irritably. "Do I need to dumb it down for you? I know something's going on, you always act like this."

"Act like what? When do I act like this?" he groaned, rolling onto his side to face her.

"Like everything's okay! You act like this when you're hiding things from me!"

"Everything _is_ okay!" he stressed, raging in hushed tones as to not wake their son.

"It's not!" she cried, tears spilling over her eyes and down her cheeks. "It's _not_."

"C'mere." He murmured, enveloping her small body in his arms as her tears made warm tracks across his chest. His palm moved in slow circled across her back. "Everything'll be okay."

"It won't." she whispered, so quietly he might have missed it. "Because you're le-" Before he could reply or she could finish her sentence, the door crept open to reveal as worried Ben.

"Are you fighting?" he asked in a small voice, his thumbnail being gnawed to a stump by the looks of it.

Damon was out of the bed before she could ever blink and crouching in front of Ben, ruffling his hair. "Nah. Did you know your crazy momma steals blankets and yells when you take them away?"

Ben didn't look convinced. He gazed between his mother and Damon hesitantly. "Probably wasn't yelling about that." The young boy murmured sleepily. He swallowed and looked at Damon with his identical blue eyes. "I miss you." He added in a small, shaky voice.

Damon dropped his gaze to the floor, his eyes filled with pain. He waited a moment before slowly winding his arms around his son's body. Ben's arms went willingly around his neck, holding him tightly. "I missed you too, kid."

He wandered through to Ben's room, sitting gently on the bed and reclining against the headboard. Ben shifted slightly, pressing his face more firmly against Damon's chest. "Will you stay now?"

Damon sighed and swallowed roughly, his head leaning heavily against the headboard. "Ben-ben, I love you like crazy."

He felt Ben smile softly against his chest and hug him that little bit tighter. "Love you too. You're almost my daddy, but not. So that's pretty cool." The young boy was mumbling away in his sleepy state. He sighed contentedly. "I've never had a proper daddy before. If you left-"

Damon kissed his son's head. "If I leave-"

Suddenly Ben wasn't sleepy anymore. He shot up, staring at Damon in shock. "You're leaving?" he said, his wide eyes brimming with tears, not realized he'd only been trying to answer Ben's sleepy words. The sight broke Damon's heart in a way it'd never broken before.

"If I do, wanna know why you'll be okay?" he prompted, shifting Ben in his arms so he was resting against the pillows. Ben nodded against the fabric, looking up at him anxiously. Damon crawled out of bed, and kissed the boy's head fiercely. He took a deep breath. "'Cause I'll always, always come back. It might take a while but I will, okay?"

"Okay." Ben replied, nuzzling into his pillows and began drifting off into a deep sleep.

"Just don't forget me Ben-ben."

"Never." Damon cupped his cheek lightly before pushing himself off his knees, turning off the light and closing the door with a soft thud. He padded back to his room, crawling onto the bed and wrapping his strong arms around Elena so her back was pressed tight to his chest.

"I'm sorry." He whispered anguished to her sleeping form, his rough voice barely rousing her from her sleep. He pulled her closer to him, his lips brushing against her ear. "I'm so, so sorry." His hoarse voice fell on deaf ears as his desperate apologies washed over her sleeping form.

And he was gone by the time the dawn light touched the cool, white walls. A soft whisper breezing through their lives as wild as a hurricane, like a ghost that they couldn't quite let themselves forget.


	11. Gone

**A/N: **_Not happy with this chapter at all. But then again, you guys aren't too happy with how this story's going considering the really rude PMs I've gotten. Thanks for that guys, _really_._

_Okay, I'm feeling pretty bad but I gotta say I'm issuing an official angst warning. This fic will not be all unicorns and rainbows. They won't be back together in the next five chapters. They aren't going to be in contact. Things will not be good with them. But they _will_ get a happy ending. Eventually. I meant it when I said things were going to turn darker, and I also meant it when I said I hoped to see you on the other side._

_This chapter is mediocre, I wasn't sure where to go after Damon left and while I have an outline, not exactly sure how to continue._

_~E_

* * *

_**Chapter Eleven**_

"_But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?"_

* * *

_**September 10**__**th**_

_**2012**_

* * *

Caroline woke to a dark room, an empty bed and a shrieking cell phone. She fumbled blindly in the darkness, glancing at her friend's name flashing across the screen without much thought. She supposed it wasn't that early – it wasn't unusual to receive a phone call at five fifty-seven a.m., right? Elena hadn't always been an early riser; she'd had to adapt when her obnoxiously early bird of a son was born and decided to run riot before dawn even broke.

"'Lena?" she grumbled groggily, sitting up on one elbow and rubbing her eyes with her free hand.

"Care?" Elena's shaking voice filtered through the phone and sliced through her remaining dregs of sleep. "Care?" she repeated desperately. Caroline sat up and clenched her phone with a desperate grip. "Caroline?" her best friend sobbed through the line.

"Give me ten minutes 'Len, okay? Ten minutes." She whispered hoarsely though the phone as she heard the defining 'click' as the connection ended. She flew out of bed, throwing on a hoodie and a pair of converse as she grabbed her keys and drove like a maniac towards her best friends house.

The early hour had no effect on the late riser as she tore through the dim streets, urging her car faster as the minutes ticked by. It seemed like a long time before she was in front of Elena's house, her heart clenching at the sight of the empty spot beside Elena's black car. Slamming the car door shut, she ran up the driveway, fumbling with the keys and letting herself inside.

"'Lena?" she called softly, slowing her steps as she padded up the silent stairs. "'Len?"

And then she found her best friend, huddled in the center of an empty bed with silent sobs wracking her body and she pressed her face into the mattress. Caroline had seen Elena so broken only once before, when, to her, Damon Salvatore died. So she climbed onto the bed, wound her own shaking arms around Elena's shaking frame as her own tears tracked down her bare face. It might have been minutes or it might have been hours before her voice shattered the dawn light spell.

"He left." She gasped out through her breaths. She pressed her face deeper into the mattress and let the sobs overtake her body.

"'Lena." Caroline whispered in anguish, rocking her best friend back and forth and offering the only comfort she could, and the only comfort she'd ever been able to give. "You'll be okay. It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

"Stop telling me that!" Elena yelled hoarsely, her voice coming out a broken scream. "Everybody's got to stop telling me it'll be okay." She sobbed desperately.

Caroline gave her a weak, watery smile. "It's always been okay."

Elena shook her head violently; bringing her knees up to her chest, she bit back her sobs. Caroline squeezed her shoulder and kissed her on the cheek lightly. She pulled the blankets over her friend and brushed her hair back from her face.

"Just sleep." She ordered softly, turning off the bedside lamp and closing the wooden blinds. "I'll get Ben, and Bon, and Stefan and it'll be okay." She promised softly, but Elena was already passed out against the plush white pillows with damp tear tracks still trailing down her cheeks.

She opened the door softly to find a small, five-year-old boy clutching his blanket around him like a protective shield as his blue eyes shone with unshed tears. His mouth was hanging slightly agape as he sat with his legs pulled into his chest and his back against a wall. Caroline dropped down beside her godson and pulled the boy into her lap, smoothing his chocolate hair against his head.

"S'okay Ben-ben." She murmured into his hair through the lump in her throat, blinking back her tears.

"S'not." He replied quietly, his small hands like claws as he held his blankets securely around him.

Caroline tilted his chin up so her baby blues could meet his ice like eyes in a determined stare. "It is." She stressed.

"Why's Momma sad?" he asked in despair. "Why's Damon not here? Why can't he make it better, Auntie Care?" Two fat tears leaked from his left eyes and trailed softly across his cheek. Caroline picked him up gently and carried him back to his bedroom. She sat down softly on his bed and leant her chin against his head.

"Remember your momma told you 'bout Grandpa?"

"Nope." He said stubbornly, his small arms clutching her neck tighter. She managed a small chuckled and tickled his ribs softly.

"Come on Benny! What did he do when he was younger?" she pressed on, setting back against the headboard.

A ghost of a smile flickered across Ben's small face. "He was a solider. I want to be a soldier, Auntie Care."

"I know you do, kid. Must be in your genes." She told him, shushing his question about 'genes'. "So, remember your grandpa was always going away? And he tells you about his trips?"

"And the lions." Ben murmured sleepily as his eyes began to drop. "And the jungle where it always rains."

"Always the lions." Caroline grinned. The boy had always been neutral about animals, never one to love dogs or cats or even fish, but Grayson had sat him down and told him stories of the African plains and the lions and the zebras and the giraffes and the wild jungle of the Amazon and all of a sudden, you couldn't get him to stop talking about it. The burning sun of the desert and the roar of a lion was all Ben had talked about for days a few months ago, and she was positive the thought wouldn't leave his brain for many, many years.

"Care?" Ben asked quietly, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Is-" he paused, uncertainty creeping into his voice. "Is he going to Africa?"

"Huh?" Caroline said, caught off guard.

"Damon!" he said impatiently. "Is he like Grandpa?"

"You're smart, Ben-ben. How do you not rule the world?"

"I'm five." He said unsurely, looking at Caroline like she was insane. "But he'll come back, right? Damon?"

Caroline sighed and climbed out of bed, stretching her arms over her head and looking consciously at the time. Ben had to be in school soon and she had to figure out a way to get him there. She wouldn't leave Elena, not the state she was in. Caroline knew that if she left her right now she would never get another chance to talk to her about everything. She'd close up again, and that would be it.

"I hope so, baby. You get ready then come find me and I'll get you fed, yeah?" she asked him, handing him clothes from his dresser.

Ben's face split a mile wide as he nodded enthusiastically. Caroline rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at her godson as she walked away from the room and pulled her phone from her pocket and called Tyler. She cursed under her breath as she was sent to voicemail. She scowled and tried again, frowning deeply as her boyfriend sent her repeatedly to voicemail. She cursed again, boiling anger simmering beneath her usually pleasant tone.

"Care?" Stefan muttered drowsily from his doorway. He was standing in a pair of sweats and a wife beater, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "What you getting so wound up about?"

Staring at him with sympathy, Caroline looked at Damon's little brother and felt her heart break a little.

"It's Damon." She began, her voice more unsteady than it should have been. "He left."

* * *

"I called Bonnie." Caroline announced several hours later as she returned to Elena's room and opened the blinds slowly to let some light filter across the walls. The wooden slats cast slanted shadows across Elena's face. She sat upright with her back against the wall and her head titled towards the ceiling. "She'll be here in the morning. Prepare yourself for some serious explanation 'Lena, she's not gonna be as cool with this as she was last time."

"Which _last time_ are we talking about here?" Elena questioned almost playfully as a shadow of her old smile whispered behind her eyes.

"_Last time_ was when Ben was born." She said quietly, examining the curtains intently. "_God_. Will you get new curtains already? These are hideous."

"I can't be bothered. It's so much _effort_." Elena moaned, burying her face in the pillow. "And Bonnie wasn't 'cool' about it last time."

"She was. She was way cool about it. There were hardly any judgmental questions."

"Hardly any." Elena echoed doubtfully.

"Yeah. 'Cause Bonnie wouldn't be Bonnie without them." Caroline fixed her with a stern look, concern flooding her blue eyes. "She just wants you to be okay."

Elena turned her head to look at her best friend. "Are _you_ okay, Care?"

Caroline raised an eyebrow and came to sit beside Elena on the bed. "What you on, crazy girl? How are _you_ doing? You capable of conversation now?"

A weak smile appeared on Elena's face and her empty brown eyes focused on a blank patch of wall. "He's practically your brother, Caroline. And last time, I never asked what it did to you but I know it hurt you too. You were hurting as much as I was. It's not just me in all this."

"It's not." Caroline agreed quietly leaning her head on her shoulder and taking her hand and squeezing it. "But it hurts you the most."

But Elena persisted, looking at Caroline stubbornly. "I know you and Tyler are on the outs." A small crease appeared between her eyebrows. "Does he even know?"

Caroline chuckled and pressed down on Elena's forehead gently. "You're gonna give yourself wrinkles 'Len. And no, he doesn't. He wouldn't answer his phone."

"I will not get wrinkles!" she cried aghast, her eyebrows shooting up.

"Stop frowning then."

"Caroline!" Elena said loudly right in her face. "Come on Caro, how are you doing?"

Tears began to build up behind her eyes and the familiar burning sensation spread across the bridge of her nose. "Awful." She whispered.

"Me too."

* * *

"Uncle Stefan!" Ben shouted gleefully as he raced towards his uncle after school. "Where's auntie Care?" he questioned after taking Stefan's hand and letting himself be led towards Stefan's small red sports car.

"Probably shopping." Stefan teased cheerfully, sliding into the driver's seat. "So I got roped into collecting _you_."

Ben grinned widely, showing his teeth and sticking his tongue out. "Why would she go shopping? Shopping's _boring_."

Stefan chuckled lightly and pulled away from the curb. "Kid, you're asking questions we don't know the answer too."

"That's why I asked. Because I don't know the answer." Ben said confused, his small eyebrows furrowing together.

"Yeah, we don't know the answer." Stefan told the young boy again, missing the confusion in his voice.

"I know we don't. That's why I asked."

"Ben-ben. You're crazy irritating." Stefan told him, grinning widely as he drove along the New York streets.

"You love me though, right? Even though I'm crazy?"

Stefan raised an eyebrow and glanced at his nephew quickly. He looked like he was about to cry. He had known so much sadness without realizing it. He'd never really lived amongst the truly happy. "Course I do, Benny."

Ben let out a soft, inaudible sigh of relief. "That's what love is right? Putting up with people's craziness?"

Stefan smiled again, his lips quirking up in delight. "Yeah. I guess it is."

"Uncle Stefan?" Ben said quietly, his wide eyes staring sadly into Stefan's green ones. "Do you think Damon will come back?"

His grip tightened on the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. "Can I tell you a secret? You won't tell anyone, not even your momma if I tell you?"

Ben shook his head seriously. "Pinky swear." He said, holding out his pinky and waving it in Stefan's face.

"I'll get that pinky swear out of you later, Benny. I don't wanna crash the car."

"That might hurt a bit."

"Just a bit."

Ben was silent for a moment, picking restlessly at the leather of the seats. "What was the secret?"

Stefan took a deep breath as he pulled into Elena's street and parked in the driveway of his home. He smiled sadly at the young boy in the seat next to him. He was so bright and pure and innocent; so untainted by sadness and loss that his smile made the world a brighter place. "I'm going to find him, Ben-ben. And probably yell at him a bit. Then I'll try and bring him back."

"What if he doesn't want to come back?" Ben asked in a small voice, playing anxiously with the laces of his shoes.

Stefan smiled sadly and reached one hand over to ruffle the boy's hair. "I don't care."

* * *

Elena sat curled up on the couch with Ben asleep in her lap and Caroline and Stefan on either side of her. A movie was playing quietly on the TV, one of those animated ones that had _nothing_ on the Lion King and gave Disney a bad name, or so Caroline had complained under her breath for the entirety of the film.

"God, it's over." Stefan muttered in relief as the final credits rolled onto the screen.

Elena smirked, leaning her chin on the crown of Ben's head. "It wasn't that bad," she protested reasonably.

Stefan rolled his eyes and gaped at her. "You've got to be kidding me! It was-"

"Sleeping kid, Steffie. Indoor voices." Caroline chastised playfully, swatting Stefan's hair.

"Ben needs to be woken up and reminded this is a load of crap," Stefan retorted stubbornly, his eyebrows furrowing together. "Jungle Book was better."

"No way!" Elena said loudly, glaring at Stefan in disbelief. "Lion King!"

"You're seriously having this conversation?" Caroline said incredulously. "Cinderella." She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world as she examined her long, manicured nails.

Stefan and Elena both looked at her skeptically. "We all know you're a princess, Care." Elena said, smiling as she stood and gathered Ben in her arms. "You'd be more like Snow White – when have you ever done a hard days work in your life?"

"Yeah Care-bear. Or Rapunzel." Stefan quipped, sending a wink in Caroline's direction.

Caroline flopped down on the couch and shoved her feet in Stefan's face. "Shut up with the Care-bear. It was one time! My dad is _never_ coming into town again." She said irritably, a scowl appearing on her pretty face. "And Elena, I drive Ben to school every day. _That's_ hard work."

Elena grinned widely and hugged Ben tighter in her arms. He shifted, winding his arms around her neck and pressing his face into his hair. "Yeah, I'm sure it's a real trial."

"He's a devil."

"You love him."

Caroline sighed and let a small smile slip through her stony mask. "I want one." She pouted, looking at Stefan subconsciously as Elena disappeared upstairs to put Ben to bed.

Stefan held up his hands in surrender, his green eyes wide with panic. "Don't look at me, go get Tyler to knock you up!"

The blonde burst out laughing, and still hadn't stopped giggling by the time Elena reappeared and collapsed between her two friends with her head on Caroline's shoulder and her feet in Stefan's lap. They stayed like that for a long time, with the credits still rolling silently across the screen and the tears trailing occasionally down her cheeks. It wasn't until the first sign of the new days touched the horizon that Stefan finally moved, squeezing both girls' shoulders and kissing Elena's cheek before he headed upstairs to finally get his time to miss his brother.

"Are you gonna shut me out again?" Caroline asked quietly, leaning her head against her best friend's.

"Probably." Elena said truthfully, hugging one of the throw cushions to her chest.

"Or you could talk to me." She suggested half-heartedly, shrugging her shoulders. "It might help."

"How's it going to help, Caroline?" she snapped cuttingly, sitting upright and staring blankly at a wall. "He left, like he always fucking leaves. He couldn't handle everything that's changed. He couldn't handle that he can't just waltz back here about almost six years and accept the changes that happened."

"I think there's more going on here that you think, Elena." Caroline said coolly, folding her arms. "When has he ever left you other than to serve? When has he ever shown anything other than being utterly in love with you!"

"When has he ever just up and left in the middle of the night?" Elena hissed, tears welling behind her eyes. She blinked them back furiously and shook her head. "What's the point? Damon's gone, Care. He's gone and he's not coming back."


	12. Time

**_A/N: Okay, ignore my curiosity and perhaps my ignorance, but do any of you call New Year's 'Hogmanay' like I do? I know it's a Scottish thing, but the world isn't so separated anymore and I just want to satisfy my curiosity for other things. _**

**_P.S. Don't hurt me when you get to the end. Pls._**

* * *

**_Chapter Twelve_**

"_Take my body, take my body."_

* * *

_**January 4th**_

_**2013**_

* * *

_**Chicago**_

* * *

Time is a strange thing if you really sit down and set your mind to work. The way the seconds add up to minutes and the minutes to hours. The way the hours slowly turn to weeks, and the months drag on. With only 86,400 seconds in one day – how long could you sit, counting the seconds as you took a new breath and letting the days pass by? It was all a rather strange concept. Everything and everybody that made up the entire population of this planet relied on the timing of things; the bus times, the train times, that split second time snap that you could make all your decisions during. Based on the certain tilt of the earth to the sun, the perception of light rays as the world rotated and the way seasons changed, it all comes down to a measure of time on a clock.

As he jolted impatiently onto his back, Damon let out a short, harsh sigh as his emotionless blue eyes focused on the second hand turning in a reliable circle around his cheap, metal clock. He was due on base in an hour, and as the new day dawned in Chicago, he awoke from another sleepless night. With memories of Elena and Ben and a life he'd had to abandon dancing through his mind, sleep didn't come easily these days and when it did, it didn't bring good things.

He kicked his legs free of the tangled sheets and swung irritably out of bed. Stalking towards the bathroom, he flipped on the shower and leant his head against the smooth, cold tiles. He took deep breaths and pushed off gently from the tiles. It had been getting worse as the New Year rolled around and brought back all his 'pre-Elena' mind-sets. There was no _point_ celebrating the coming of a new year and the passing of the old – he had nothing to return to, nothing to fight for and he was slowly losing his fire.

2013, he thought bitterly as he stripped off his clothes and stepped under the lukewarm spray; his cheap accommodation was the only fool proof way for Stefan to not search for him, credit card tracking and all those lovely sneaky ways to track your absentee brother down. It looked like thirteen really wasn't a lucky number. For as long as he cared to remember, Elena had been by his side as an everlasting thing of beauty during the darkest hours reminding him why he had been fighting, why he was _still_ fighting.

God, he missed her. He really fucking missed her.

* * *

_**New York**_

* * *

"'Elena?" Stefan yelled through the house as he walked through the front door. "'Lena!"

Caroline smacked his arm and gave him a sharp look. "Don't call her 'Lena'." She scolded automatically.

Stefan rolled his eyes and closed the door behind him. "Where is she anyway?" he asked the blonde as they trailed into the kitchen and began unloading groceries.

"She took Ben to meet up with a kid from his class. Think they were going to catch a film or something." Caroline said with a slight grin as she looked up and caught Stefan's eye. "I reckon it's a girl and little Ben-ben's got a crush."

"Course he does. You gotta admit the kid's got good taste." Stefan commented cheerfully as he helped Caroline shove food away. "Remind me why we went to get food?" he asked, staring at the pasta box in his hand.

"You promised us dinner, Stef." She said accusingly, pointing a finger at him. "We expect dinner."

Stefan chuckled and leant against the work surfaces. "Go call Elena and find out when she's getting home or she's eating frozen pizza."

"Hey, I don't care as long as _I_ get fed." Caroline said with a devilish grin as she pulled out her phone and called Elena's cell. She frowned slightly and put her phone down. "Voicemail."

"She went to the cinema, Care." Stefan reminded her quietly, his eyes flashing restlessly. "Her phone will be off."

"She doesn't answer anymore anyway." Caroline pointed out, leaning over the breakfast island and resting her chin in her hands. She took a deep breath a looked away from his curious gaze. A razor-sharp silence grew between them, a whisper of unspoken questions and a slight hint of the tension that was slowly stretching to breaking point. "So. Have you talked to him?" she whispered after a long pause.

Stefan shook his imperceptibly, pain filling his sad green eyes. "Why would he call me?"

Caroline shrugged helplessly. "I don't know! It's the New Year, he hated it – Elena was the one who actually gave him-"

"I didn't know he hated New Year." Stefan interrupted roughly, his hands clenching the edge of the work surfaces tightly.

"Despised it." She said softly, running a hand through her hair. "Why would he celebrate new year if he didn't know if he would live through it?"

* * *

_**December 31**__**st**_

_**2000**_

_**Hogmanay**_

* * *

"_Why would I celebrate a new year if I don't know if I'll live through it?" he said scornfully to the beautiful brown-eyed girl sitting next to him. _

_Elena giggled and shook her head at him. She cocked her head to the side and looked at him intently. "You don't celebrate what's coming, you celebrate what's past. Celebrate the fact that you're still alive."_

_Damon scoffed, a small smile breaking through his scowl as he took a drink. "Cheers to that."_

"_Cheers." Elena laughed musically, clinking her glass against his. "You know, Hogmanay isn't all about resolutions, or hopes or dreams or any of that crap."_

"_Did I find myself a pessimist, huh? On New Year's too, how very appropriate of you. This whole fucking day is essentially a bunch of lies people tell themselves," he said with a smirk, raising an eyebrow at her. "People make themselves a load of resolutions knowing they'll break them within a month."_

_She glared at him playfully. "I'm a realist." She corrected cheerfully. "Yours might be like that but mine's about getting really drunk and having conversations with really hot soldiers in bars while your friend has sex in the toilets."_

"_You really think they're having sex?" he asked with a sly grin, his eyes flickering towards the bathroom door._

"_You don't know Caroline." She said with a smile. "She probably had him drooling within five seconds."_

"_He was drooling way before that." Damon said wearily. "So 'Lena, I've told you why I hate New Year."_

"_Yes, you have." Elena confirmed, nodding seriously and attempting to act way more sober than she was._

_Damon jumped off the bar stool and held out an expectant hand to her. She took his gladly and let him pull her up and close to his chest. His icy eyes flashed mischievously as he glanced at the clock as it drew closer and closer to midnight. As the bells tolled and the ball dropped, Damon cupped her cheeks with his calloused hands and brought her lips to his in a searing kiss amid a chorus of cheers and laughter. Surprising him, she wound her arms around his neck and let him bend her dramatically into a low dip. He pulled back, letting his piercing blue eyes sparkle as he held her tightly in his arms._

"_Happy New Year 'Lena." He said, pulling her back up and brushing hair away from his face._

_She laughed happily, a beautiful wonder suffused through the melody of her voice. She grasped the collar of his leather jacket and, in an action she would blame entirely on alcohol later, pressed her lips sweetly to his. "Did I change your mind? About New Year?" she asked hopefully, her eyes wide and innocent as his arms locked around her waist._

_He couldn't help himself, he bent and kissed her again, smiling as she giggled and laughed and smiled like she was way drunker than she was. "You're starting too." He admitted ruefully, an easy smile spreading across his lips._

"_I have an answer to your question." She announced seriously, running her hands through his hair. Damon looked at her in confusion. She shrugged. "About why you should celebrate a new year."_

_He raised an eyebrow and clenched his jaw. "Go on then."_

_She shrugged and tilted her head back to stare at the fairy lights strung across the ceiling. "It just seems like you've got a lot to live for."_

_He looked at her oddly for a moment, a brief confusion clouding his features. He sighed almost invisibly before nodding once to her. "You're right. I suppose it do."_

* * *

_**January 4**__**th**_

_**2013**_

* * *

"She just texted," Caroline announced sounding relieved as she flashed her hone screen at Stefan. "She says she'll be back in like an hour."

"So I've got at _least_ an hour until I gotta start cooking. You know that right?" Stefan said, sitting down and relaxing against the breakfast stool with his feet on the counter.

The blonde sighed and swatted his feet. "You're disgusting." She scolded with a weary smile. "And I expect dinner on the table in an hour, no exceptions!"

"When has Elena, in the history of the whole however many years you've known her, ever arrived when she says she will, Care-bear?" Stefan asked with a grin as she reluctantly moved his feet off the counter.

"There's a first time for everything." Caroline argued laughing brightly, shaking her blonde curls. "I mean it, Stefan. You have one hour."

"You're scary when you get serious." He deadpanned, only cracking as Caroline made a face and stuck her tongue out about him. "How you doing anyway?"

"Probably not as bad as you," Caroline said quietly, the raw guilt nestling in her chest as she once again noted that only she knew why Damon had had to go, and once again, all she wanted to do was go home. "He was your brother."

"You were closer to him than I was." Stefan pointed out sadly, leaning against the counter. "He was more your brother than mine."

"I'm about the same as we all are. Ask anybody else who knows him."

"And what about everything else?" Caroline looked up at him in confusion as the front door opened and closed faintly. "I know you and Tyler are fighting. I either hear you either arguing with him or it's completely silent. What kind of relationship is that Care-bear? You don't talk, or smile or even spend time with him." He shot he a sharp look as she began to protest. "And it's not just me; Elena's worried about you too but she won't say anything because she's known you a long time."

Caroline cocked her head to the side. "She knows me how?" she echoed curiously.

"She knows if she questions your relationship; you'll question hers." Stefan clarified, pacing about the kitchen in his usual restless circles.

"It's different with Damon. When people are meant to be together, they find a way. And when they aren't, they don't fight to keep it."

Stefan looked at her oddly just as Tyler appeared through the door.

"Did I miss something?" he asked playfully, glancing between the two people in the room. "Where's Elena?"

The silent pause held for just a second too long. "Nah, nothing." Caroline said quickly, composing herself and smiling warmly at Tyler.

Tyler sighed heavily as he sat down next to Caroline at the breakfast island in Elena's kitchen and kissed her softly. His girlfriend had been acting odd ever since Damon had upped and left again and he was on the verge of snapping with frustration. Damon would be back; he always came back eventually. It was one thing Tyler, Elena, Stefan; _everyone _had to hold on to. It was one thing they had left to count on.

"What's going on with you?" he asked in a low voice and the room cleared immediately. Even Stefan, the least tactful person within the state of New York could practically feel like distance between them.

Caroline's eyes shot up panicked as she bit her lip. "Nothing."

Tyler sighed loudly and shoved away from the counter. "_Nothing_, Care?" he yelled in a hushed voice. "You're telling me nothing is going on here." He said in a quieter voice, his tone clouded with disbelief as he gestured between them.

Caroline's head dropped into her hands as she blocked out Tyler's voice from her raw ears. Months of this treatment, of the burning, scalding anger pouring out of Tyler had her nerves were burned to the point of exploding with the heat. "Yes I am." she said loudly, exasperation spilling into her voice. "Damon was one of the _only_ people I had left to call family! And now he's gone! You just expect me to snap back into action? This isn't like the other times Tyler, I don't _know_ if he's ever coming back! So stop, okay? Just _stop_." she yelled as tears welled up in her eyes. Standing up and skirting around her boyfriend, she stormed out of the door without another word. "Leave me alone!" she yelled behind her, stopping Tyler dead in his tracks.

"Care." Stefan said, standing abruptly as the blonde stormed past and ran upstairs.

"Leave her alone, man." Tyler said roughly, gazing hoarsely after her.

Stefan stared at Tyler incredulously as he shook his head slowly and walked towards the door. "I heard what she said. She doesn't _want_ to be alone right now."

"She just asked to leave her alone!" he argued, gesturing wildly towards the empty doorframe.

"She wants _you_ to leave her alone." Stefan told him quietly just as he reached the door. "But I'm her friend, and she's not okay right now."

"Then let me talk to her."

Stefan stopped and looked him straight in his dark brown eyes, so clouded wit confusion and hurt he felt a sharp pang of pity for the man stuck in the mess their lives had become. Maybe he'd loved Damon like a brother, and maybe they had been closer than blood once, but time goes on, and people change and move and evolve, and friendships don't last; not the ones that don't really matter anyway.

"No."

* * *

"What do you mean she's crying?" Elena yelled loudly as Tyler explained what had happened, ignoring the puzzled look her sleepy son gave her. "What did you say to her?" she demanded angrily.

"Uncle Ty, you made momma mad." Ben said as he leant his head against his mother's shoulder. "Momma, why did he upset Auntie Care?"

Elena shot Tyler a withering glare, setting Ben on the floor and crouching in front of him. She brushed her hand through his dark hair, and kissed his head. "How about you go see if Auntie Care is okay?" she suggested, giving her son a sharp look.

Ben sighed and rolled his eyes, wandering up the stairs with reluctant stairs. "I can still hear bad words from upstairs!" he shouted, his voice muffled by the distance.

Elena didn't laugh. She set her hands firmly on her hips and glared angrily at Tyler. "Why is Caroline upset?"

"I only asked her what was going on!" he defended frantically. "And she freaked!"

She sighed loudly and moved forward, prodding Tyler sharply in the middle of his chest. "You're a fucking _idiot_ if you can't see what's going on!" she cursed in a hushed voice, molten anger pouring from ever part of her body. "Have you not noticed the gaping hole in all of our lives? Or did it not affect you?" she shouted as quietly as she could.

"Why is everyone so set on thinking he won't come back? Why is it different this time?"

Elena opened her mouth, a furious response resting on the tip of her tongue. She sighed and closed her eyes, letting her lips falls together again. She shook her head, the familiar burning sensation spreading across her nose and the tightness in her chest building swiftly. "It just is."

"Talk to me, 'Lens." Tyler said softly, shrugging. "I know it's hard, but you're strong. You'll get through this."

Elena waved away his words with a quick brush of her hands. "You should go, Ty. Care will still be here in the morning, she'll stay here, I'll talk to her and maybe tomorrow she'll be ready to talk. Just give her some space, okay?"

Tyler paused hesitantly, before nodding in resignation and walking quietly out of the house. It wasn't until she heard the familiar rumble of his car start up and fade away as he drove down the street that she finally let herself fall to the floor and wrap her shaking arms around her knees. It wasn't until she was finally alone, that Elena crumbled and let the tears fall.

It might have been hours before she wiped away her tears and stood up again. She turned off the kitchen lights, and blew out the remaining candles left burning and she padded up the soft carpeted stairs and into her bedroom to see a sight that made her heart break and soar and crumble all within a second. Her best friend, her son, and her other best friend were draped across her queen sized bed, with wide smiles across their faces and a real light in their eyes.

"Mom!" Ben squealed happily as he charged to the end of the bed to hug his mother forcefully around the neck as she climbed towards her friends to sit between Stefan and Caroline.

"Hey 'Lena." Caroline said warmly, leaning her head back against the soft pillows and pulling the covers up to her chin.

"You okay?" Stefan asked softly in her ear. Having lived with her for the past year and having known her for years even before that, he knew when she put on a brave face and a strong smile to shield everyone else from the hurt she was feeling.

She nodded tightly, mouthing a small thank you at her friends and folding Ben up in her arms. "How come you're not asleep, baby?"

"They won't shut up!" Ben cried, squealing as Stefan hoisted him out of Elena's arms and tickling him mercilessly. "And he keeps tickling me!" he laughed breathlessly, with Caroline and Elena sat and watched as they chuckled.

"Come on, Ben-ben. Get sleeping." Caroline ordered, mussing up the young boy's hair.

Ben nestled between the three adults and rested his head on Elena's shoulder and wound his small hand through her long chocolate hair, a habit he had kept since he was a newborn still screaming the nights away.

"Stop tickling me and I'll think about it." He muttered, his eyes growing heavy as he steadily drifted into a gentle sleep.

"He's so _cute_ when he's asleep." Caroline said giggling and ruffling his hair, leaning her chin in one hand.

"You know he hates it when you call him cute!" Stefan said, shaking his head in exasperation.

"He is cute!" Elena and Caroline said loudly in unison, spluttering with laughter, giggling lightly as they nestled under the covers.

Stefan groaned lightly and closed his eyes. "I'm going to sleep. Shut up."

"You shut up." Caroline retorted, sticking her tongue out.

"_You_ shut up." Stefan said, a slight smirk pulling at the corners of his lips.

Elena abruptly shut the dim light off and turned on her side and let her eyes float closed.

"Looks like we're shutting up."

"Care!"

She sighed loudly, and threw a pillow at them. "Do you guys ever stop arguing?"

"Sometimes." Stefan said with a grin, closing his eyes again. "Night."

"Night." Caroline muttered sleepily, barely noticing the suggestive way her sleep-deprived body was draped over Stefan, or the way his hand was gently resting in her hair. And then there was Elena, who was hugging her son gently, and letting the darkness smother her once more, but this time, she could actually begin to breath.

* * *

His phone vibrating softly on the bedside table woke Stefan sharply. He reached for it groggily, rubbing his eyes against the filtered dawn light. He glanced at the name, hoping for once, that he'd get good news from the person on the end of the phone. He padded across the room and into the hallway, answering the phone and holding it to his ear.

"Hey." He said quietly, yawing widely and leaning heavily against a wall.

"Stefan." The familiar voice said on the other end of the phone. "I found him."

"Where?" he asked roughly, running a hand through his wild hair impatiently.

"Chicago. He's got some shitty apartment, been paying it with cash but you know what he was like before, he always slips up sometimes."

Stefan breathed out a heavy sigh of relief. "Keep tracks on him?"

"Always have." The voice said smoothly, a short pause interrupting their conversation. "Stefan, you don't know what you're getting into. I'd stay out of this one."

"He's my brother." He argued wearily, rubbing his hand across his face. "This is my family."

"It's dangerous. You shouldn't do this." The voice said, pleading slightly with him.

"I have to get him back. You don't understand. These people are my family, and if Damon leaving means that they are breaking, then I'll do anything to get him back."

The speaker sighed loudly, pausing again. He could almost hear the wheel whirring around their head through the line. "I think I do. Are you going after him?"

"Yes." He said stubbornly, closing his eyes wearily. "Keep in touch, Kat. Keep safe." He whispered as the distinctive click echoed through the disconnected line.

Contrary to popular belief, he loved his brother. Not much, but they were family and some things don't compare to the companionship of your blood. They were the same like that, in their own ways. Family means the world, but the world is nothing without family, so Stefan shoved some clothes hastily in a bag, left a scribbled note in Damon's old study and booked a flight to Chicago all before light split across the clouds.

Then he was gone too; much like his brother, he had disappeared by the time dawn broke across the cold skies and before the mist settled across the empty streets.


	13. Numbers

_**Chapter Thirteen**_

"_All I want is, and all I need is, to find somebody."_

* * *

_**January 14**__**th**_

_**2013**_

* * *

_**Chicago**_

* * *

Damon blinked suddenly. Rolling over once more as his alarm went off, he simply moved from staring at the wall to staring at the ceiling. Over the long hours he lay away, he now noticed even the slight subtleties that these walls hid. Faint indents of old memories people had hung on the whitewash walls, smudges made by messy children with endless energy and rough patches of a sloppy painter who was too lazy to be neat around the edges. Sleeping now was like chasing a memory that didn't want to be found, or perhaps didn't even exist. He hadn't slept soundly in months, plagued by worries and hopes and his deepest fears. It was a futile effort, he had decided a few weeks ago, and even the pills the base's medic had provided him with lay untouched in his shitty bathroom cabinet. He blinked once more, took a deep breath and got up to face another day.

No matter where the military stationed him officially, whether it was Russia, Germany or Iraq, Tract always brought him back somehow, gouging their hold on him deeper and scarring his skin. Then there was Klaus, the man who had once been his closest ally, and in a second, became his worst nightmare. He had been called back from London and being stupid and naïve with thoughts of Elena clouding his judgment, he had gone back to her and to a child he wasn't sure was his. He should have seen it coming. Had Klaus disappeared after six years of contact and five of friendship, Damon would have been searching for him too, so perhaps he couldn't hold anyone at fault but himself. Every day, except a half day off every second Tuesday, had him in a base, far away from the main military core of Chicago, being blackmailed, molded and coerced into something entirely new with four hundred and seventeen other misfortunate sods. It heartened him slightly to know he wasn't the only one. Once again he was just another number on a sheet of metal, ones inked into his skin this time on the soft underside of his arm. He wasn't just a soldier. No, not any more. He was sleek, black and dangerous and was being trained to take a man's life away, both literally and figuratively.

He hated every goddamned second of it.

But it was strange how fast the time went sometimes. Letting himself back into his shabby apartment, he stopped short, instinctively pulling his gun from his waistband and aiming it at the figure who was cloaked with shadows standing by his window watching the raindrops chase each other down the pane. His fingers moved to the trigger, adrenaline pulsing through him as the safety nudged off and he sighted his target. The man started suddenly, stepping forwards slightly into the light of the moon and casting his profile into sharp definitions.

"No need to shoot me, mate, I'm not here to kill you." the familiar voice cut through the darkness like a hot knife through butter. A hand reached over and lights flickered suddenly, illuminating the small apartment, leaving the two men staring each other down. "Lower the gun."

Damon breathed in a deep breath, closing his eyes for a long second. Reluctantly he lowered his gun, using his thumb to push the safety on before returning it to the waistband of his pants.

"What are you doing here?" Damon questioned through gritted teeth, regret coursing through his veins.

"I'm here to figure out why the fuck you lied to me for going on six years. Six years, Damon!" Klaus exploded loudly, glaring at his former friend. "You lying little rat. You befriended me all for what? Your country? Your pride? Bullshit." He spat viciously. "You betrayed me for nothing if it wasn't for _yourself_."

"Out with it, Klaus." Damon said wearily, rubbing one hand over his face as he dropped heavily onto the threadbare sofa.

Klaus' eyes relaxed, shining a gentle blue even in the dim lighting. The innocence portrayed by that color, the simplicity of the soft morning sky was twisted and warped by the sinister smirk that played across his lips. He smacked a folder onto the worn coffee table, leaning smugly against the grey walls. Damon reached forwards, carelessly flipping open the front cover, his breath catching in his throat as his eyes scanned over the information typed onto the white sheet. He shifted the front sheet, catching sight of a bundle of pictures clipped together with an obnoxious purple paperclip, and with that, his world crashed down around his ears.

"Where did you get these?" he said in a silent, deadly whisper as anger burned behind his eyes. "Where did you get these?" he bellowed, standing up and advancing towards Klaus. "_Where_?" he roared, exploding with a furious fire.

"Oh, I've been watching your family for months, Damon." Klaus said casually, his eyes glinting as dark and cruel as a snake. "One wrong move, one _single_ thing that pisses me off and they're gone. As of right now, I own you. You have no control anymore. You lost that right the second you turned your back on a friendship that at one point, may have been real."

Damon retreated furiously, stalking backwards with his eyes fixed on Klaus' steady figure, arms clasped behind him, head held high. He flung the file back across the room, landing irritatingly still intact on the floor by Klaus' feet.

"I'll be in touch." Klaus said cheerfully, a sickening smirk playing at the edges of his lips as he stalked out the dim apartment.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

Damon took a deep steady breath, concentrating on the inhalation of the life force that kept him alive.

Seven.

Six. Five. Four. He felt the uncontrollable rage build up inside him, swirling around like a hurricane inside his mind. Three. His breathing picked up, his heart was thudding rapidly in his chest. Two. His eyes snapped open. One.

His fist made contact with the wall before he could even take in tenth breath.

* * *

_**January 15**__**th**_

_**2013**_

* * *

Stefan sighed heavily, hoisting the strap of his hurriedly packed bag higher onto his shoulder. As he stared at the shabby white door, with the peeling paint and the tarnished gold numbers on the door forming the figures 506, he couldn't ignore the bitter voice in the back of his head that told him he as wasting his time. Who knew if Damon even stayed here? It wouldn't be the first time he'd laid a false trail, given him a pointless trail of breadcrumbs sweeping all over the country. Of course, this place ticked all the boxes: inconspicuous building, Stefan had had to ask several people for directions after stepping out of the taxi on the main road it was situated near; it was cheap as dirt, it would barely make a dent in a Damon's inheritance if he ever thought to use it. It wasn't like he could trace a checkbook cross-country. A credit card however, a credit card was easier, which was how he had even found this little piece of suburbia. He was furiously thanking his lucky stars for giving him Katherine, who as sly as she was, as cold as she might be, the girl knew how to manipulate people into tracing credit cards and strangely enough, had always had some misunderstood link to himself and to his brother. Stefan didn't even want to think about it.

So here he was, still standing staring at the tarnished gold numbers, one of which was slightly off-center, and the flaking paint. He groaned inwardly. He'd been staring at the same fleck of paint for the last twenty minutes, slowly trying to build up the courage to raise his arms and simply knock the door. Having been in this position a thousand times before, you'd figure that he would be used to family confrontations but it seemed like each and everyone was just that little bit harder. Maybe people just didn't change as much as they pretended to. Once a cheater, always a cheater; once a liar, always a liar; and he guessed that once you run away from something, you just keep running after that.

* * *

_**January 12**__**th**_

_**1996**_

* * *

_Stefan scowled as he stormed up the gravel path towards the shabby motel door. How many times had his brother stormed out on their father in the last month alone? More than he could care to count. He kicked the stones angrily, pounding roughly on the door he'd manage to trace to his brother. Not that it took much searching. The old Chevrolet outside the motel was only a year older than his brother and a dead give away of his hideout, the familiar faded blue of Damon's baby and the faint beat of rock music was a sure sign than Damon Salvatore had checked into a motel and out of reality. The pounding beat stopped suddenly, and Stefan could hear the faint moving of feet across carpeted floor. The door was yanked open to reveal his older brother, in all his hung over glory._

"_What?" he growled, narrowing his eyes in distaste. _

"_You made your point. Come back." Stefan snapped stonily, glaring at his brother only three years his elder. It wasn't his job to drag his brother's ass home every night. He shouldn't have that sort of responsibility._

"_Go home, Stefan." Damon groaned, running a hand through his shaggy hair. "This isn't your fight."_

"_Dad's dying." Stefan said in a quiet voice. "And you acting like this will only kill him faster."_

"_He's not my father." Damon spat viciously. "He stopped being my father a long time ago."_

"_This isn't my job!" Stefan yelled furiously, his eyes blazing. He was fifteen years old, just a kid. He shouldn't be up for all hours, chasing an older brother that was wasting away just like his father was. "I shouldn't be running around checking you're still alive! I shouldn't have to make sure you're not halfway across the country!"_

"_No one said you had to!" Damon roared back. "Go home Stefan. Stay away from me, and stay out of this. This is between our father and myself. You are not to be involved in this."_

"_I'm already involved." Stefan bit out threw gritted teeth. "I was involved the second Dad got ill and _I_ needed to start hauling your ass home every night."_

"_You're fifteen years old, Stefan." Damon snorted contemptuously. "You're my little brother. Trust me, me not being there is better for you than anything."_

"_And what about when Dad dies and I'm left alone because you're lying dead in a ditch somewhere?" he asked quietly, not meeting his brother's eyes. "He doesn't know you want to enlist. How do you think he'd feel if he never saw you again?"_

"_I'm damn sure he'd be happy if he never saw my face again." A short silence stretched between them. "I'm not even sure I want to leave yet."_

"_You can't enlist just because you're fighting with Dad, Damon. This isn't something you can quit the second it gets tough."_

"_Don't patronize me." Damon snapped viciously. "I've thought about this a long time, Stefan. I will enlist, and I will spend however many years fighting for things I believe in because I do have that right, no matter what your precious daddy tells you. The only thing keeping me here was you."_

"_I'm not saying you have to stay." Stefan said coldly, his voice like ice even in the southern sun._

"_I have to look out for you. You're my brother."_

"_You're only looking out for yourself." Stefan said, shaking his head in defeat. "Look at you. You're killing yourself, Damon."_

"_I'm having fun." His elder brother groaned rolling his eyes and rubbing his neck irritably. "Give me a break."_

"_This isn't how it's supposed to be." Stefan pleaded, his hands shaking violently. His mother was long since dead, his father was dying and his brother was turning to a life of alcohol and misery and he couldn't help any of them. It was him all alone is a antique house with an unknown uncle he barely knew, and when he was left alone, he'd be okay._

"_This is how it is. I'm sorry." Damon said quietly, a whisper of pain sweeping across his face. "I'm sorry."_

_It was then that Stefan realised that his brother wasn't some superhero. He couldn't stay in a house with a father who wouldn't look at him. he couldn't keep existing in a life where he wasn't wanted. Perhaps had their roles been switched, he would be searching for escape in anyway, no matter how damaging that temporary escape form reality might be. So Stefan looked up, holding his head high. His green eyes met his brother's blue as his lips set into a grim line. "Do it." He said shortly, staring unblinkingly at his brother. "Fight for what you believe in. It won't be easy Damon; even you have to realize that. But you can do it. You can get out of here without worrying about me. I guess I'll see you around."_

_Damon clapped his hand on his baby brother's shoulder, pulling him into a rough hug, the faint smell of bourbon clinging to his clothes. "I'll be back." He took a deep breath, closing his eyes to keep his inner most thoughts to himself. He disappeared back into the motel room, returning moments later clutching a crumpled letter. "And if it comes to it, and Dad decides I wasn't the colossal waste of breath he saw me as… Just – just give him this, okay?" _

_Footsteps interrupted whatever breakthrough he was making with Damon. Tyler Lockwood, a family friend and one of Damon's actual friends stood before him, a duffle bag hung carelessly over his shoulder._

"_You ready to go?" he asked his brother quietly, his dark eyes avoiding Stefan like nothing else._

_Damon nodded. "Just give me a minute." He leant back into the room and pulled on a t-shirt and light jacket, hoisting his own bag over his shoulder. _

_Stefan's eyes narrowed. "You were just going to leave? Would you have even told me?" he spat angrily as Damon pulled the motel door shut behind him and shoved the key into his pocket. _

"_You're smart, you would have figured it out."_

_"So all that shit about not leaving because you wanted to look out for me? What the hell was that?" he shouted, his temper swelling rapidly._

"_I can look out for you by not being there. Dad doesn't want me around. I'll leave him with his golden son." Damon said, rubbing his face wearily. "I was going to call you tonight."_

"_Right." Stefan retorted derisively. _

"_You'll do good, Stef. You mean the world to Dad, it's not your fault I'm such a fuck up."_

"_He loves you."_

"_Enough to want me gone."_

"_I need you." Stefan admitted quietly, almost too quiet for Damon too hear._

"_And I need you to stay here and forget that your brother was so selfish that he left you here without anyone to rely on."_

"_I can't forget that. How can you expect me to forget that?"_

"_It'll be better for you without me here." Damon took a deep breath and looked his brother straight in the eye. "Dad's getting worse. When he goes, it won't affect me as much as it'll affect you. You know why he stopped working, don't you?"_

_Stefan nodded curtly. "Stress."_

"_If I'm not around then he won't have anything to stress about. If I have to leave to keep Dad around longer, then I'll do it Stef, I'll do it for you. You know I'll do whatever it takes to look out for you."_

_Stefan hugged him then, roughly clapping him across the back as he hoped to God that his brother would live to see the year through._

"_Damon we've got to go." Tyler called firmly, his arms folded across his chest as he leant gently across the hood of the Camaro._

"_Don't lean on my car like that!" Damon bellowed furiously, causing Tyler to stand up straight, holding his hands up in surrender. "Give me a minute."_

"_Hurry your ass up." Tyler shouted back smirking a little, chucking his bag into the bag and sliding into the passenger seat._

"_Go on, I'll walk home."_

_Damon hesitated, torn between leaving his kid brother in a dusty car lot and driving him home to a house that had become his personal hell. "Be good."_

_"Yes mom."_

_Damon scowled and shoved his shoulder playfully. "I'll see you soon." He said, smiling sadly ads he turned to walk away._

_Suddenly, all that hidden panic crashed down onto Stefan in one single wave. "What am I supposed to tell Dad?" he yelled after his older brother. He might have been an idiot, and the least responsible person in the entire world when it came to anything else but he was his brother and when push came to shove it was Damon who gave him dinner and bitched at him when he got home too late. It was him who had raised him, even as he had been raising himself._

_Damon turned round, his eyes glinting like shard of ice in the bright morning sun. "Just give him that letter when he's ready to read it." He turned around, looking back at his baby brother and walked back wearily, giving him one last tight hug. "You'll be okay."_

_Those were the last words that came out of his mouth before his ducked back into his baby blue Camaro, and zoomed away with a sad wave just visible beneath the cloud of smoke. Stefan was left alone in the dusty lot outside some shabby motel not quite sure what to do anymore._

* * *

_**January 15**__**th**_

_**2013**_

* * *

_**Chicago**_

* * *

Damon awoke the next morning with pain splitting across his bruised knuckles. He looked down; grimacing as he saw the dried blood creating a sinister beauty across already inked tattooed forearms. He got up, running his good hand through his hair as he walked towards the kitchen. He held his hand under the cool water, gritting his teeth at the ice seared across his burning wounds. The medic at base was going to have a field day. He just loved psycho analyzing his patients as Damon had discovered in the short while he'd been stationed in Chicago, and this wouldn't be the first time he would be turning up with a bloody fist. He walked back into the bathroom, rummaging around the cupboard with one hand until he found a roll of old bandage. He tore it open with his mouth, unsuccessfully attempting to wrap his hand with one new wound, and a barely healed one on the other hand. A loud knocking at the door relieved him thankfully from the task at hand.

Cursing angrily, he stalked towards the door and threw it open with one hand. The anger burnt out in an instant, replaced with cold numbness as he took in his brother's figure standing by the door.


	14. Seasons

_A/N: People, I am ordering you__ right now__ to listen to the song that inspired me to right this story. It is called __**'All I Want' by Kodaline**__ and I believe it was also in Grey's Anatomy but I haven't watched much of the new season so I'm not sure. I __need__ you to listen to it. It is a beautiful song, it holds so much emotion and I'm sure it means something different to every person. I recently went to a gig in Glasgow and someone did a phenomenal cover of this song that sparked me to finish this chapter. I really hope you like it. I do not like it as much as the previous chapter, but I'm back with a vengeance and hopefully these two poor characters will be reunited soon.__ In the meantime, I do love me some brotherly Defan._

_On a totally unconnected note to this story __*wink* __who do you ship Caroline with? Do we want Forwood? Steroline? Or even Klaroline if we're talking a different story? _

* * *

_**Chapter Fourteen**_

"_I'll find somebody."_

* * *

_**January 15**__**th**_

_**2013**_

* * *

_**Chicago**_

"What did you do to your hand?" Stefan asked indifferently, brushing past his brother and walking casually into his apartment. Damon stared at him, stretched for words. His eyes followed his younger brother mutely as Stefan flopped down onto the threadbare sofa and propped his feet up on the worn coffee table.

"Kat sends her love," Stefan said after a while, his green eyes carefully appraising Damon.

Damon slammed the door shut in one swift motion, whirling around with fury written all over his face. "Kat?" he queried, looking at his brother. He paused, a look of horror passing over his gaunt features. "As in Katherine?" he bit out in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me. You called _Katherine_?" He was at a loss for words, an odd mix of emotions swarming around his stormy mind, his head full of the image of cruel black eyes, full of secrets and mystery and barren of any warmth.

* * *

_**July 28**__**th**_

_**1994**_

"_Stefan!" their father hollered through the dusty sun faded halls. His brash voice carried through the dry heat like a bucket of cold water, shattering the peaceful illusion the brothers had woven as they sprawled across the summer lawn. "Get your brother and come up here! Now!"_

_Damon rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, pushing himself up off the dry grass and sauntered away in the opposite direction of their father's voice._

"_Damon!" Stefan called anxiously. He was only twelve, nearing thirteen right enough, but still only twelve. He was still young, still oblivious to the turbulent relationship between his remaining family members. He was uncharacteristically small after missing out on a growth spurt and still terrified he would lose his brother if Damon wasn't careful around their father. "Dad wants us!"_

"_I know Stefan. I heard." His older brother said calmly, looking his brother straight in the eye. He was sixteen and he was ready to see the world. Really see it, through the dusty windows of his old Camaro. He was ready to escape the confinement hell this house had become. The old dry oak and the creaky staircases sucked the summer out of the air, leaving him and his family in a perpetual winter. The more he separated from Stefan the better. His brother relied too much on him and being honest with himself, if there was one thing he wouldn't be able to stand, it would be hurting his baby brother when he finally left to see the sky. "Just tell Dad I'm not outside. Tell him I went out."_

"_But he saw you." Stefan said uneasily, wringing his hands together restlessly._

"_Come on Stef-" Damon started wearing, running his hand over his face in irritation. "It's fine. Just go in."_

"_But he'll know!" Stefan whined, pleading desperately with his brother._

_"Why are you worried?" Damon asked gently, crouching down beside him to look his baby brother in the eye. It was easy to forget sometimes just how young Stefan was. Twelve years old was young, it was so young. He wasn't even a teenager yet. He laid a gentle hand on his brother's shoulder. "Why do you want me there?"_

_Stefan looked down; his huge green eyes were darker than they had been in days. "You might leave if I'm not around." He whispered so quietly it was almost impossible to pick up._

_Damon swallowed roughly, hanging his head in defeat. "That's why you won't leave me alone." Nodding slightly, he looked down at his feet sheepishly. Damon pushed himself off the ground again and sighed heavily. "Come on, squirt. Let's go."_

_Stefan instantly brightened, a mile wide grin splitting across his face. He went charging across the lawn, the remnants of a long summer crackling beneath his feet. Damon followed behind him, trailing into the dull broken house with heavy steps and a heavier heart. He could still remember the days when the windows shone and sparkled, the days where the floorboards were so polished he would slide around in his socks, even the days when the house wasn't so shrouded with shadows. He remembered the days when the house wasn't so empty, he remembered the days when things were good and his father had warmth and his mother was alive._

"_Damon." His father said stiffly, cutting off his thoughts abruptly. Damon nodded in greeting, his teeth clenched tightly together. "This is Joseph Pierce and his daughter, Katerina."_

"_Katherine." A striking dark haired girl snapped irritably, her black eyes cold and dark and cryptic. Damon cocked his head to the side, scanning over the girl's figure in undisguised curiosity. She was his age by his best guess, maybe a year or so older judging by the way she carried herself with the utmost confidence and self-assurance. She held herself high, her head on those strong shoulders like she already owned half of the word. Her long dark curls oozed seduction and her eyes burned fire. She was entrancing in the worst way. _

"_Katherine." Giuseppe corrected tersely. "This is Stefan." He said with a slight kindheartedness flickering across his weathered face. "And my eldest, Damon."_

_It was Katherine who cocked her head to the side this time, her black eyes as endless and as terrifying as an ocean storm. "Boys, take Katherine into the garden. Try and be civil Damon." He ordered harshly, rolling his eyes at Katherine's father. _

_Damon bit his tongue to stop his retort bursting out. "Yes Father." He answered stiffly, gesturing lightly to a wide-eyed Stefan. He gripped his little brother on the shoulder and gently led him out the door with Katherine following behind. He could feel her inky eyes burning into his back. Stefan charged ahead, laughing in the innocence he still possessed, unaffected by the darkness that consumed the old house. But then again, he was never really known the light. He flopped onto the grass, glancing at Katherine curiously._

"_Why are you here?" he asked quietly, squinting his eyes and he braced his weight against his elbows._

_Katherine rolled her head back to the sky, shut her eyes and absorbed the summer sun and for a second Damon felt a fierce jolt on longing for this beautiful girl, but then her eyes opened and the summer faded from her face and he'd always had a particular hatred for winter. "Let's not ask questions just yet." She said with a sly grin, fixing those eyes on Damon's. She lay completely back on the sun-dried grass with one hand under her head. "I think we'll know each other a long time._

* * *

Stefan shrugged. "I did,"

"Why?" Damon said incredulously, gesturing wildly form the door with his uninjured hand. "I have a phone you know. I mean, I don't exactly answer it anymore, God knows Caroline's been calling enough but _Katherine_?"

"Do you really have to say her name like that?" Stefan said wearily, cracking a small smile.

"It's _Katherine_!" Damon exclaimed, a tiny grin slipping onto his face and he sat down opposite Stefan on the other mismatched sofa. He took a deep breath, lifting his eyes to meet his brother's. "What are you doing here, Stef?"

Stefan sighed, running his hands across his face and resting his elbows on his knees. "I don't know." He admitted quietly, staring at the dull blue carpet. "I mean, I asked her to find you but I never really expected her to find you. Not really,"

"You never expected Katherine Pierce to find me?" Damon repeated dubiously. "This is the same girl we're talking about? I didn't know you kept in touch. I got her out my life the second I could."

"It was so long ago. We don't keep touch." Stefan said, shrugging absently. "But she keeps tracks on you,"

Damon narrowed his eyes dangerously as he registered Stefan's last words. "Why does she keep tracks on me?"

Stefan smirked, looking sheepishly at the ground. "'Cause I asked her too."

"Stefan!" Damon groaned miserably, burying his face in her hands. "What happens if she turns up on Elena's doorstep?" Stefan's face turned stony. Damon kept his head buried in his hands.

"Elena doesn't deserve half the shit you put her through, Damon."

And just like that, everything suddenly crashed back down to reality. "Stefan-" he started softly, refusing to meet his brother's eyes.

Stefan waved his hand dismissively. "Later." He decided firmly. He was silent for a while, long enough for the sun to fully set leaving them in a shadowy darkness. Damon automatically leaned over and switched on the light on the end table, flooding the room in a soft glow. "Chicago suits you." He said finally.

"It's nice." He said glancing around the shabby apartment. "A change of scenery is always welcome."

"You been stationed other places?"

"Was back in Texas. Germany. New Orleans." Damon took a deep breath and locked eyes with Stefan. "I should be getting deployed into danger zones soon."

Stefan's eyes hardened and his face closed off, aging him ten years in less than ten seconds. "What does that mean, Damon?" he said wearily.

"It means exactly what you think it means. It's not hard to figure out what 'danger zone' means, Stefan. Come on."

Stefan sucked in a deep breath, leaning back and collapsing against the sofa cushions. "Where are you going?"

He shrugged casually, barely even mustering the energy to lift his shoulders more than an inch. "I go wherever they need me."

"Don't you have a choice?"

"It's not a choice for me, Stefan. This is my life." Damon said, struggling to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I'll keep doing it as long as I have to."

"Is that why you left Elena?" Stefan said angrily, his voice rising dangerously. "Why you left your son? Do you understand what they've been through in the last six years?"

"Of course I do!" Damon said loudly, gesturing wildly. "I've been spending every day counting the _seconds_ until I can go home I just don't know when that it yet!"

"You never had to sign on!"

"Yes I did!" he finally exploded, standing up heatedly. "This is what I am, Stefan. I'm a soldier. I've risked my life! I've fought in every war zone possible, I've saved so many lives and I've come home again every time and lived another year! Elena was the only thing keeping me sane all these years! I'm about to lose my mind Stefan, so God help me, drop it before I do something I'll regret."

"Ben has grown up without his father!" Stefan roared, standing up and waving his hands furiously in the air. "My nephew lost his father, Elena lost the most important person in her life and I lost my brother! While you were off fighting, doing something good and making a difference in the world, your family thought you were _dead_! Do you know what that does to a person, Damon? To lose the person that you're supposed to be able to count on no matter what? A part of them died with you!"

"I'm not dead!"

"You might as well be!"

A long silence followed Stefan's last statement.

"She's better off without you." The younger brother said finally, sitting heavily on the couch and holding his head in his hands.

"I know."

"No! You don't!" he stormed agitatedly, his eyes burning straight through Damon. "You've done nothing but bring her pain and anger and heart ache in the last twelve years. All you've done is hurt her, hurt your son and you don't even realize it. This is a job, Damon. A _job_. You've done your service, served this country in a hundred thousands ways and paid whatever debt you thought you had to pay all those years ago. You've proved your worth, proved Dad wrong so come _home_. You have a whole life waiting for you; do you have any idea what most people would do to have what you have without even realizing it? You have a son; you have _Elena_ for god's sake. Caroline is like your little sister, Grayson might as well be your father. You can still come back. This isn't worth losing them over. Trust me, I know. Things aren't easy with all of us, Elena and I fight like nothing else and Tyler makes me want to punch him and Caroline is just Caroline, but I'd never leave them."

Damon shook his head and looked up at his little brother with icy blue eyes that were completely and utterly cold. "But you did, brother. You left them and I'd bet you my next objective they don't know where you are."

"It's different with you. You're family."

Damon shrugged and looked at Stefan with eyes so broken his little brother had to look away.

* * *

"How long are you here for?"

Stefan jolted awake, blinking blearily at Damon who was sitting in the same pose as earlier, his face cast in shadows. He grunted incoherently, sitting up in his seat and rubbing his eyes.

"How long are you here for?" Damon repeated irritably.

Stefan yawned and rubbed his temples. He squinted at his brother. "What time is it?"

"Like four a.m." Damon said dismissively, waving his hand carelessly. "You need to go home, Stefan."

Stefan laughed humorlessly and stared at his brother. "You need to come home."

"I can't." Damon bit out through gritted teeth. "So you need to walk out of that door, get on a plane and go home. I need you to look after my family because I can't do it right."

Stefan leaned away from his brother in confusion. In all their years, especially since meeting Elena there had always been a slight underlying tension between the two brothers. Even as children, if Damon had a better toy, or a bigger slice of cake, or the bouncier football, Stefan wanted it and Damon would hold on to it with everything he had. Such was always the way with brothers, or at least with them. Once Stefan had grown up and their father had died and Damon felt as though he could cope without him constantly looking out with him their relationship became more and more strained until it became the way it was today.

"Can't or won't?" he said quietly.

Damon closed his eyes and walked to the fading front door and opened placed his hand on the handle. "Can't," he clarified, holding his shoulders in a strong stance. "And you can take that in whatever way you may."

Stefan picked up his duffle bag and slung it over his shoulder. Stalking towards his brother, his thoughts were running laps around his troubled mind. Damon clapped a hand on his brother's shoulder, sending a jolt of nostalgia through Stefan and acting on impulse Stefan pulled his brother into a rough, fleeting, slightly awkward hug. In seconds it was over and the door was being opened for him and he was facing a faded carpet and water-stained walls.

"They're not just your family you know." Stefan said quietly, staring pointedly down the hallway. "They're mine too."

Damon shrugged. "I love them more."

Stefan bit back his retort and blinked at Damon. "I'm not so sure," he paused hesitantly, meeting his brother's icy eyes. "I don't think they are either."

Then all he saw was flaking paint and the tarnished once-gold numbers of 506 against the shabby white backdrop. He leant his head against the wall and breathed a deep sigh for the brother he had lost. All the while, Damon sat on the ground on the other side of the wall with his head in his hands and that same heavy heart that had never quite left him.

* * *

_**New York**_

It was quiet again. There was the rustling, breathy sound of the trees in the January wind and the metallic clanking sounds of the old washing machine. There were the familiar pacing footsteps of her father as he talked on the phone for the eighth time that day. There was the heart-warming sound of her son giggling as her best friends chased him around the garden in that rare late-winter sun. But under it all, the sounds, the people and the laughter there was nothing but silence, the loud, deafening oxymoron of old dreams and fading memories. It was the silence that came with the loss of someone who was not yet dead.

Somewhere outside, she heard a car pull up and her heart couldn't even bring its self to jump with hope anymore so it stayed still and silent in her chest. Tyler's deep voice brought a smile to her face and Caroline's high heels clacking along the rough paving stones filled the quiet and masked the sounds of the rustling trees. Elena walked to the front door, pulling open the old wood to see an unfamiliar car parked haphazardly in the driveway. She saw Tyler talking softly to a shell-shocked Caroline; he was whispering gentle words in her ear while they watched her son embrace a familiar face.

It just wasn't the face she wanted.

Stefan disentangled himself from Ben and walked sadly towards her, his shoulders slumped and his eyes downturned.

"You went to find him." Elena said quietly.

"Yes." Stefan nodded curtly, just a brief affirmative dip of his chin.

"Did you?"

The young man nodded his head again in the same manor as before. "Yes."

Elena's heart dropped in her chest. Everything in her suddenly came to a stand still. The silence fell across the hushed air as if the wind itself stopped to hear his answer. "What?"

Stefan shook his head again, his green eyes sadder that anything she'd ever seen in this world. "He's not coming home, Elena." Elena shook her head in denial, furiously blinking back tears.

"No." she gasped as the last shreds of her strength shattered within her. "He's lying."

Stefan couldn't help but wind his arms around her shaking shoulders. "Elena." He said roughly, squeezing her tight. "He's not coming back. He's never coming home."

And Elena did the only thing that she could. She buried her head into Stefan's soft jacket and cried for old memories, empty picture frames and untouched doors. With those four words, every bit of herself snapped like an elastic stretched too tight and once the tears started to fall there was nothing stopping the salty tracks that trailed down her cheeks.


	15. Fight

_**Chapter Fifteen**_

* * *

_**New York**_

_**February 2**__**nd**_

_**2013**_

* * *

"Elena is _where_?" Caroline screamed in horror, recoiling from Bonnie suddenly. "You did _what_?" she screeched distraught, causing Ben to look up and stare at his favorite aunt in mild confusion.

"Care?" he asked brightly, happily kicking a soft ball against the previously unmarred walls. His mother was nowhere to be found and his aunt was oblivious to how much this irritated her.

"Ben-ben?" she replied, calming down slightly to address the young boy.

"Where's momma?" Caroline shot a withering look at Bonnie, who shrugged nonchalantly and flopped onto the armchair and glared straight back at her life-long best friend.

"She went out for dinner, kiddo. And I can't cook so it looks like you're starving tonight Benny."

Ben stuck his tongue out and continued to kick the ball back and forth. "Uncle Stefan said he'd take me for pizza."

Bonnie scoffed quietly from her chair in the corner. Ben laughed gleefully as Caroline finally snatched the ball from the space by his feet and launched it irritably at Bonnie's head. Bonnie ducked, chuckling hysterically and launching it straight back. Ben squealed at Caroline threw it gently to him.

"Bring me pizza!" Caroline cried to his retreating form as Ben charged out of the room to find Stefan.

"What did you expect her to do?" Bonnie asked bluntly, leaning her chin on her hand. "Sit in here and rot?"

"She has never once gone on a date!" Caroline cried in disgust glowering at her friend. "Elena does not want to date. She has been in love with one man for over ten years and you're pushing her into going out!"

Bonnie rolled her eyes. "It's _Matt_, Caroline, not some stranger. Don't overreact. We've known him since high school. Just because we only met up with him again a few years ago does not mean he turned serial killer, god."

"Why the hell is Matt even going out with her? He knows Elena! All through high school, all through everything he never made a move because he knew how she felt about him and it wasn't the same way he felt about her. What the hell did you say to him?"

"I just gave him some gentle encouragement!" Bonnie said defensively. "Elena needs to have some fun for once."

"For god's sake Bonnie, you're in Texas ninety percent of the time, you don't get to saunter in here one weekend every other month and send Elena out on dates because you're judging her state of mind on a visit once in a blue moon." Caroline said exasperatedly.

"Damon isn't coming back! Stefan saw him, he _talked_ to him!"

"I don't believe him!"

"Why not?" Bonnie said wearily. "Why are you so intent on believing that he's going to come back? He's not coming back Caroline! Elena knows that, that's why she went out with Matt tonight!"

"Elena went out with Matt because you're barely here and she wants to please you. She never saw Matt in that way when she thought Damon was _dead_, why would she see him that way now?"

"Because _she_ knows Damon isn't coming back! I know it, Stefan knows it and Tyler probably knows it even though you two do nothing but argue. Even Ben has probably figured it out by now. Why are you the only one that thinks he's going to come back?"

"Because I know him better than you do. I know him better than Stefan does. He is the closest thing I've ever had to a brother and if you think I'm going to give up on him and force the woman he loves to date other people then you're very much mistaken." Caroline's eyes blazed furiously as she scowled at Bonnie.

"Elena needs to move on!" Bonnie argued desperately. "This isn't about Damon! This is about what loving him is doing to her!"

"She loves him. She won't wake up one day and not love him any more. Her son is a walking replica of him, she can't move on. She doesn't want to!"

"She went on a few dates when Ben was younger." Bonnie pointed out reasonably.

Caroline scoffed scathingly. "You made her go on those dates."

"She went willingly!"

"She was trying to please you because that's what Elena does! She tries to please everybody and she forgets to do what _she_ wants."

"What she wants is to be happy!"

"What she wants is Damon." Caroline said softly, sitting down defeated. "Matt adores Elena, he always has. Whatever you told him is only going to hurt him in the long run."

"Matt understands." Bonnie said calmly, standing up and coming to sit by her friend.

"How can Matt possibly understand?" Caroline said dejectedly, burying her face in his hands. "He can't understand what it's like. He's like you, he doesn't get it."

"He just wants her to be happy, Care. That's all anyone wants."

"She _will_ be happy." She said stubbornly, leaning her head back to stare at the ceiling. "She will."

"Damon isn't coming back, Care." Bonnie said softly, rubbing Caroline's shoulder gently.

Caroline glanced at Bonnie, her green eyes sad and worn. "He is."

Bonnie cocked her head to the side, her eyes narrowing warily. "Caroline." She said warningly staring at her friend suspiciously. "What do you know?"

"I know the truth. Or part of the truth. At least some small fragment of the whole story. I don't really know what I know, okay? It's a whole mess of lies and manipulation and secrecy." Caroline rambled desperately. "But I know that he loves her more than his own life and I know he'll do his very best to come home to her. And I also know that I won't send her out on dates and have her start to move on and leave Damon heartbroken because _I_ let her believe he was really gone."

"He can't stop her from moving on." Bonnie said incredulously. "You want to stop her being happy and leave her pining over a ghost for the rest of her life?"

"He didn't _choose_ to leave, Bon. Do you honestly think she'll ever be happy if she doesn't know whether he's alive or dead?"

Bonnie glared at her. "I won't give her false hope." She stated bluntly, reclining dejectedly into the sofa.

"Neither will I." Caroline retorted firmly, folding her arms petulantly across her chest.

"Either way," Bonnie shrugged. "It'll be nice to see her smile."

* * *

Elena repressed a sigh as she walked back to the car with Matt by her side. She kept her mouth shut as he held the door of the restaurant open for her, closed her eyes tightly for a split second as he opened the car door for her. She kept her heart locked down and her emotions in check as he drove with one hand resting lazily on the steering wheel and the other hovering by the gearshift. She ignored all these small actions the best she could but in the lingering silence in the dark cab of Matt's truck all she could picture was the way _his_ hand would have been pressed gently to the small of her back as they left, holding her close to him. She could feel the teasing kiss that would have been placed on her cheek as he opened the door for her and she was still waiting for a hand to creep from the steering wheel and entwine itself with hers. She could feel these things as if they were actually happening, because she was waiting for a man who had performed them a thousand and one times over the past twelve years and she was waiting for him to come home.

"Why did you come tonight?" Matt asked absently, his eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead.

Elena sighed and dragged her gaze from the window. "Honestly?" she asked quietly. Matt nodded. "Bonnie made me."

Matt laughed loudly, the warm sound brining a little bit of light back into the truck cab. He'd always had a great laugh, Matt. It was like a breath of fresh air and it made you want to laugh too. She hadn't heard it much recently; he hadn't been in the laughing mood for a long time but she loved it all the same.

"Bonnie made me too."

"She's a meddler that one. The must do it differently in Texas."

"Texas." Matt said in disbelief. "I still can't believe _Bonnie_ lives in Texas of all places." He looked at her sadly. "And let her meddle, Bonnie means well. She just wants to see you smile." Matt said softly.

Elena looked down, her bright grin fading from her face to a small smile that still made her glow. "I know she does. I just wish she let me do it in my own time."

The drove on in silence for a short while, they had gone into the city for dinner. A change of scene was always welcome, and suburban New York didn't hold the same thrill as Manhattan did. The lights of the never sleeping city faded behind them, leaving the dull glow on the skyline as the only reminder.

Elena asked softly. "Tyler was going to stay, it's his day off tomorrow. He and Stefan were talking about taking Ben to a game or something. Something masculine and athletic and boring. Go with them, they need your quarterback experience. "

"You know Stefan played for a high school team, and Tyler… I don't know – did Tyler play?"

"Apparently. He says he was the school superstar." Elena smirked lightly. "But Ben can beat him."

"Ben beats everyone, no one can bear to see him lose. I can't stay." He said sadly, shaking his head.

"Come on Matty," Matt pulled a face at her old nickname. "It's family night!"

Matt scoffed and rolled his eyes at her. "You have no idea how great lounging around all day sounds. But no, I've got work. I've got nothing but work right now." He sighed deeply.

"Can I give you my opinion where it is not needed nor wanted?" Matt asked with a half-hearted smile after a small moment of peaceful silence.

"You always do."

"I think Damon will come back to you." He said, his voice strangely sure as it resonated around the small cab. "All I've heard about since we got back in touch is Damon Salvatore. I know Stefan saw him, and I know Stefan said he wasn't coming back but he's still in the states, and 'Len a man who survives war zones just to come home to you wouldn't let anything stand in the way of coming home." He paused quietly. "He would come home to you if he could. You have to hold on to that."

"I'm trying to, Matty."

Matt pulled her into a strong one-armed hug and kissed her head fleetingly, the way he always did when she was upset and the way he always would. He turned his ignition key, his old truck sparking into life. "Bye 'Len."

"Bye." She replied softly, climbing out of the truck and watching him drive away, the headlights fading into the horizon.

She wandered dolefully towards her house, climbing the familiar grey steps and silently unlocking the door. As the door crept silently open, she had a fleeting fit of sadness remembering her teenage years, and how she hadn't _had_ to creep in.

"Well, this is familiar. I'm reminiscing about ages past."

Elena whirled around, clutching a hand to her chest. "Are you trying to kill me? And you can't be reminiscing, you never caught me sneaking in. You weren't around, old man." She added mildly.

Grayson smirked and set down the book he was reading and slipped his glasses off his face. "I'm making up for lost time. You do realize, bearing in mind that you are my fully grown daughter, that you are sneaking into your own house?" He questioned, his eyes sparkling.

Elena smiled and hung her bag and jacket inside the closet off the hall and wandered through the archway into the living room and sat next to her father on the sofa. "I thought you weren't coming until the weekend." She pointed out as she slipped off her boots and tucked them beneath her.

Grayson let his temple on his fist, yawned wearily. "It is the weekend." His mouth crept into a tired smile. "I just miss you 'Lena, you know Jer still won't talk to me." His smile fell and his eyes old brown eyes sad, sad and defeated in the way she'd never seen.

"He was so young, Dad, he barely remembers you."

Grayson closed his eyes, swallowing roughly. "I did what I had to do. I was going to come back, I promise you I was."

Elena smiled weakly, her heart aching in her chest. "I know. But it's always the same – you never really came back. You came home and Jer thought it was the last time you'd go away but it never was. People like you… you don't just quit. You were never a quitter."

"Neither are you, kid." He said, grinning, his eyes sparkling. "You're the one thing I did right by. Jeremy can't look at me, your mom… I messed a lot up, but not you, I did good by you. Don't you dare quit now."

Elena smiled, leaning her head against the large cushions lining the back of the sofa. "You did good, Da." Her smile faded. "Quitting is just easier sometimes. It hurts less, it's quick and clean and sometimes when enough is enough it's all you can do."

Grayson cupped his daughter's cheek gently for a quick second. "Damon is going to come back to you. Don't give up on him. Don't _quit, _Elena."

Elena sighed touchily. "People keep telling me that but I can't keep loving a ghost, Dad. I can't keep holding onto someone who died five years ago."

"He didn't die. He was here in this room; he was holding your son in his arms! He is a living, breathing person that you know and have known through a hell of a lot. He loves you like nothing I've ever seen. If I can get back to my family alive, he can come back to his."

Her eyes dropped downwards, tears building in her eyes so similar to her father's. "He's gone. He's gone and I don't know _why_." She brushed her falling tears away with furious hands. "Any certainty I ever had is _destroyed_. It's gone, just like him! I have nothing but old memories and dates, pictures and half forgotten words, I don't have anything because I'm in love with a ghost!" Her tears fell fast and hot, rolling down her cheeks in perfect teardrops. "I don't have anything."

Grayson wrapped his arms around his daughter and leant his cheek against her soft hair as he whispered incoherent comfort to her. He rubbed her back in soft circles and soothed his only real family as if she was still his baby girl, screaming the nights away while his wife slept through the small hurricane in the next room. Elena sobbed into his shoulder, her arms locked around his waist. Her shoulders shook uncontrollably.

"Don't give up on his, 'Lena. Please don't give up on him." He murmured into her hair. "He loves you like crazy, kiddo. You can't give up on him."

"I have to." She gasped through her tears, holding her father's shirt tightly. "I can't do it anymore. I can't keep hoping he's going to write, or call or come home. I can't keep hoping to god he's still alive. I can't do it anymore."

Grayson kissed her daughter's hair, his heart breaking in half as her own twisted storybook tragedy. "Okay," he said quietly, tightening his arms around her. "Okay."

* * *

_**Arizona**_

_**Camp Navajo**_

* * *

Damon scowled furiously as he surveyed the training camps. Tract has sent him on an unnecessarily and frustratingly pointless three-day intensive crash course because Tract could do whatever the bloody liked. He glared at the eighteen men who had accompanied him, each in a similar situation. It pained him that he wasn't an isolates case. It pained him that each of those eighteen other men might also have families they'd never see again. It made him vow to take down Tract and its corrupted ways if he had to die to do it. He sighed and ran his hand over his hair, missing the old weight off it beneath his fingers.

"Salvatore. You didn't report this morning." A voice barked furiously from behind him.

Damon made a face and turned to his superior. "And why wouldn't I report, sir?"

"Because you're an uncooperative little swine, that's why." John Sommers spat furiously. "When I say jump, you _jump_, Salvatore."

"Of course I do, sir." Damon drawled mockingly, reclined against the old tree at the edge of the grounds. "I was an excellent soldier, but you know that."

John narrowed his eyes furiously. "You opted to serve your county, you don't pick and choose when to obey my commands, Salvatore. Bear that in mind."

"Like I said, sir," he said bitterly. "I'm an excellent solider. That's why you recruited me into this division right?"

John smiled wickedly, his thin lips twisting darkly on his worn face, the scars across the left side giving him a lopsided and unnerving grimace. "I don't know what you're talking about Salvatore." He replied quietly, his eyes glinting maliciously.

Damon rolled his eyes wildly and pushed off the tree to glower at John Sommers with unmistakable hatred. "I know who you are and why you're here, sir." He said mockingly, glaring into John's cold, dark eyes. "Because you arrived when we did."

"Supervising the course, Salvatore." John said stiffly. "You would do well not to question you're superiors."

"What are the numbers now? Five hundred? Five twenty?" Damon shook his head in disgust. "There were four hundred and seventeen of us when you drafted me and every day new soldiers come swarming into base, and that's in Chicago alone!" He took a step back, looking at John in utter loathing. "And you're always there, sir. Always _supervising_. So _you_ would do well to remember that there are now over five hundred men who have fought wars and killed men and we will not hesitate to take down Tract if we get the chance."

John moved closer to Damon, grabbing his t-shirt by the neck and yanking him closer to him and breathing into his ear in fury. "Those thoughts are the things that have gotten families killed." He hissed furiously. He released his shirt and smirked twistedly. "You know, Grayson Gilbert was like you. He fought the enlistment, fought the rules that you are _very_ clear on. Tract does not exist. You are a soldier, you are nothing more than anyone else in this camp."

"Everyone else in this camp is here voluntarily!" Damon said loudly, ignoring the furtive glances they were attracting from all sides. "We are not! Our families think us dead, or wish we were. We have nothing left to live for."

"Show some respect!" John bellowed, finally casting aside his reservations. "Did your girlfriend ever tell you how her mother died?"

"No, sir." Damon bit out through a clenched jaw.

"It was around the time Grayson was rebelling. She died, just like that. Mugging gone wrong I think it was put down to. Tragic, so tragic." John smirked evilly, backing away from Damon. "And Elena will go the same way if you don't drop into line."

Damon dropped his hands dejectedly, slouching against the tree in defeat and holding his head in his hand.

It was over, it was all over – it had to be because to resist, to speak out, to have a voice in the midst of the corruption was to rebel, and rebelling was the thing that caused Grayson to become a pawn in Tract's game. If he didn't step back into the line along with the others and become another pawn, his family and everything he'd ever loved would be dead and gone, killed by a faceless terror and this he knew with such chilling certainty that he got back on his feet, slid on his US military issue jacket and dropped into line.

* * *

_**Chicago**_

* * *

Long hours of travelling later, Damon trailed wearily back into his apartment and dumped his duffle on the floor by the kitchen counter. He was just shrugging out of his jacket and going about unlacing his boots when a voice cleared their throat.

"Where the hell have you been the past three days?" Klaus spat angrily, his eyes dark in the dim lighting, the irritation his voice nearly completely covering the slight concern that simmered beneath the surface.

Damon sighed and rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. "Camp Navajo. Surely you're many spies and resources could have told you that."

"I had one American ally I trusted and that bastard betrayed me, so no, one of my many spies could not have told me that. I do my own research, my own threats because you can't trust anyone these days." Klaus smiled mockingly and clasped his hands together mysteriously.

"And you're here why?" Damon asked wearily, sitting down on the sofa.

"You haven't signed up for another tour yet." Klaus pointed out.

"No."

"Don't." Klaus's mouth was in a cold thin line. "Leave, forfeit your love and lands, discard your honor etcetera etcetera. Because you were my brother, Damon, and you betrayed your family. So I'm here telling you to give up what made you betray me."

"I can't just leave." Damon spat furiously.

"Honor, integrity, extraordinary circumstances. I know." Klaus rolled his eyes and waved his gun at his old friend. "That or I can shoot you; that's option two. I mean, I won't kill you and I'm not expert but if I shot you in the leg enough amputation had got to be on the cards, right?"

Damon almost cracked a smile at Klaus's typical and somehow tolerable twister humor.

"Or I kill your family."

Damon's head shot up faster than anyone would have thought possible. "Don't touch them." He said in a dangerously low voice. "They don't have anything to do with me anymore."

Klaus chortled menacingly. "Are you threatening me, Damon? _Me_? While I have your family being watched and ready to die at a single text message?"

"You'd kill them yourself." Damon snapped. "I know you, Klaus. You wouldn't let someone else kill my family."

"Quit your responsibilities, discard whatever honor you think you have and I let them live, Damon. The choice is yours."

"The choice was _never_ mine! Never!" Damon bellowed distraught. "My family has two separate, completely opposing forces watching them, waiting for a chance to take their lives away and they have no idea! If I somehow managed to escape from this bloody division, they die. If I stay – which is my only option because this isn't _voluntary_, Klaus – then you kill them! Either way they die and if they had to die, if there was no other option, I'd rather it was you than them because I know you'd make it fast, Nick. I know you'd make it painless."

Klaus stared at him speechless. "What did you just say?" he asked, his voice dangerously even.

Damon scoffed. "You know exactly what I said."

"What do you mean it wasn't voluntary?" Klaus yelled loudly, getting to his feet. "What do you _mean_?"

"I mean exactly what I said!" Damon retorted furiously. "You think I wanted to spy on you? What, you thought my prime goal for over five years was to screw you over? That first assignment was supposed to be a six-month gig and then I was supposed to come _home_! I was there for six years doing everything to keep your family afloat by sinking the others, you idiot!" he bellowed. "The Fells, Donovan; they sank because of the information _you_ supplied me! That objective escalated so far that my family was sent a letter confirming my death because the bloody corrupted parts of the US can do that now! They wanted them to think I was dead and they wanted me to have no home to go to so I would reenlist to go back to London and go back to taking down the criminals there!"

"You had enough information to sink us inside a year." Klaus said quietly. "You had enough to start to take us down inside those first sixth months."

"Five years, Nick. Five years of my life with you as my _friend_."

"Why didn't you take us down?" Klaus shouted aggravated. "Why did you stay in London?"

"Because I had no family! I had no friends! I had nothing but a new start in a new division so I took it. I took it and I went to London for a undefined tour and then, I decided that I was going to befriend my fucking objective." Damon laughed humorlessly. "I didn't take you down because you and your family were real people with real lives and I was a part of that. I wasn't a spy when I was in London, I wasn't a soldier, I was your friend."

"Why are we still standing, Damon? Why are the Fells and Donovan turned to dust and we're still going strong? Why is Branson falling to pieces as we speak and my family is not?"

"I was sent to infiltrate you. That was my choice. I was making a fresh start; fresh career and you were my first target. I was to find information and feed it back to the US and take you down." Damon shrugged half-heartedly. "But my choice was also to pass over the incriminating parts of your history and lie to my superiors."

Klaus narrowed his eyes, clasping his hands behind his head. "This division you're in, they what? Blackmailed you? Bribed you? Sold their soul to the devil in exchange for your servitude?"

"Tract." He corrected absently as he fought back a smile. "They're called Tract, and I'm theirs, Nick. They have Elena on watch, Ben, Caroline…" he closed his eyes tightly, clenching his jaw shut. "I won't let them be hurt because I didn't listen."

Klaus gritted his teeth together thinking hard. "I could keep an eye on them, keep them safe." He said quietly, as if he was almost unsure of himself. Damon started backwards, looking at his old friend suspiciously. He shrugged. "Believe me, don't believe me; it's your call – but my family is still walking free and I guess it's owed to you. I don't know whether you were a double agent, incredibly loyal or incredibly stupid, but you were my friend for five years, you were like a brother I actually liked." Klaus smirked, chuckling to himself for a second. "And you are still my friend, even now."

Damon looked at Klaus intently, scanning his face for any signs of deceit or manipulation and seeing none. "Look out for them."

Klaus nodded, "I will." He said sincerely, brushing past Damon and clapping his shoulder on his way out into the shabby hallway. It was a long time before he moved from his place by the old wooden door, and when he did move it wasn't far – only to the small sofa he'd grown to love just a little bit, where he sat down wearily and buried his head in his hands.

Hours after the light had faded from the apartment and the silence had long since nestled into the smallest cracks of the walls, Damon lifted his head from his hands and reached for the phone. He held it in his hands, staring at the blank screen for what felt like a lifetime before, without really meaning to, he unlocked the screen and keyed in a number he had etched into his mind long ago. His hand shook as he lifted it to his ear, praying for once the phone would ring onto voicemail.

"Don't pick up. Don't pick up." He prayed desperately to himself, tapping his free hand anxiously onto the fraying arm of the sofa. He sighed in relief as the voice he knew so well repeated the prerecorded messaged he had heard a thousand times before. He swallowed roughly, his heart pounding so hard in his chest it nearly hurt

"Hey 'Len." He murmured hoarsely into the answering machine, the phone unsteady in his trembling hands. "It's me."


End file.
